Saturday, October 1, 2011

Mixed Emotions

I'm not sure I can really even put into words how I am feeling today, but I am going to try in hopes it will help me feel better.

It was rainy and cool today - exactly the same kind of weather last year when we came home from the hospital without our baby girl.  Dreary weather always seems to get me down, but it's worse right now.  It is just sending me back to last year and making me very, very sad.  I just miss her so much.

Some comments from people are really getting to me.  Innocent, well meaning ones.  But when I am in a "missing Adelyn" mood, they bother me.  For example, tonight we were at my brother's house because my nephew is getting baptized tomorrow and family from out of town were there.  It just felt weird, that they have 2 kids in their house before us.  Like we are asking them stuff now - it's just strange.  Plus seeing all the baby gear and remembering how you can never sit down to eat dinner with a newborn.  Then my dad said something to my husband about being ready to go back to that stage and he said, well I guess I don't have a choice, jokingly of course.  But it just bothered me, why I don't know.  I was SO ready a year ago.  And now I'm not so sure - am I really ready?  The only thing I wanted more the past year than having Adelyn back, was another baby to hold and love.  And now we are just over a week away from it, and I'm not sure I want it any more.  Like I just got used to life as it is and feel somewhat happy with it, content, accepting.  And now it's going to change again.  It's scary.

And then there is the physical discomfort.  I can't bend over for the life of me, which makes taking care of a 3 year old interesting.  I'm exhausted, because I stay up late and then I wake up at 7 no matter when I finally go to bed.  It's not that I can't sleep, I just stay up to watch TV or blog or work on the video for Adelyn, etc.  I sleep but not long enough, and that isn't going to get any better.  The past few days I've been having major heartburn - it's very annoying and uncomfortable.  I switched prenatal vitamins because the one I was one isn't available anymore.  Not sure if that is it or not?  But I can't take much more of it - my throat is on fire most of the time, and I'm hungry but eating  makes it worse.  I just want this to be over with, yet at the same time I am so scared.  As strange as it sounds, I am more scared of actually bringing a baby home this time than I am of NOT.  I don't get it.


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