Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Traces of Adelyn

Two posts in one day - what is going on?  For one, I finally feel somewhat "human" again, adjusting to life with a newborn and without sleep.  But also tonight was "one of those nights" - I need to write about it while it is fresh in my head.

So Sierra is LOVING every second of having a baby in this house.  She has this step stool and she will carry it around from the bathroom, where it is supposed to be so she can reach the potty and sink, to the baby's room so she can watch me change his diaper or reach his crib, to our bathroom so she can watch us give him a bath in his baby tub on the counter.

Tonight she was carrying the stool down the hall.  Trevor said to her "Wow you are really strong carrying that.  How did you get so strong?"  Sierra answered with "Adelyn made me strong."  I kind of stopped what I was doing to make sure I heard that right - and then I smiled, thinking she must have heard people talk about being strong and Adelyn?  I don't know - random. 

So later I was laying in her bed with Coen in between us, reading a book.  I asked her how she got so strong and again she answered from Adelyn.  But then the questions came.

Sierra: "Mommy, when is Adelyn going to come back down to our house?"
Me: "Remember how I told you that once you go to Heaven, you can't come back."
Sierra: "But why?"
Me: "I don't know, it's just the way it is.  But someday we are all going to go to Heaven.  We don't know when though."
Sierra: "But how are we going to get there?"
Me: "I don't know.  We won't know until we get there.  But hopefully it's not for a really long time."  (hmm, do I really mean that one?  I'm torn between Heaven and Earth now)
Sierra: "I know, I have my green wings from my Tinkerbell costume so I can fly up to the sky.  But you and Daddy don't have any wings.  How are you going to get there?  Maybe someday we can go to the store and buy you some wings too.  But for now I can hold one of you on each arm and lift you up with me."

If only it was that easy.  After this conversation, I had a huge lump in my throat.  I went to rock Coen to sleep and for the first time, it hit me.  I sat there and held his warm little body next to mine, all cozy.  I stared into his sweet face.  I love this little boy more than I thought I ever could.  But in that moment, I realized how much I still miss HER.  I never got to do any of these things with Adelyn.  I looked around the room and saw the traces of Adelyn I purposefully left in the room - her tutu outfit still hanging on the closet door.  I just couldn't bring myself to move it.  As a friend put it, Coen is sharing a room with Adelyn.  I like thinking of it that way.  I still have her memory box from the hospital, the box I keep all the cards we got, and the photo storage box I was going to use to keep her hospital hat and memories like I have for Sierra - all of those things are in the closet because for now, there is room in there and I needed them to stay there.

One of the things in the nursery that was given to us after Adelyn died.  It says "Children's footprints remain forever in their mother's heart." I actually only finally hung it up a few days before Coen was born because I wasn't sure what to do with it.  I think it's perfect where it is on his wall.  Even if it is pink :)

This I found at Michael's and was instantly drawn to it.  Better yet, it was on clearance for $3!  In case you can't read it, it says "HOPE From the wings of a darkened night, small lights of hope are born. They shine of faith and beliefs and in their hands are the hidden seeds of new beginnings."  How perfect is that?  From the darkness of losing Adelyn, comes the new beginning of her baby brother.

The other thing I have in the nursery is a little figure my aunt gave me - it has a little angel being held in two hands and it sits next to the rocking chair on the table I use to set books and a clock.

And so, tonight I sat in the chair, cuddling my sweet boy and looking around his room at all the traces of his big sister.  The tears just streamed down my face for the first time really since he was born.  OK, there were some tears of frustration in between, but those don't count. These tears were happy and sad at the same time, which I imagine is going to happen quite often now.  Happy because Coen lived, because we have a baby in our house again to bring joy and hope, because we love this little boy.  Sad because I still miss Adelyn, maybe even more now.  I knew what we were missing out on when she died, because we had already done all those things with Sierra.  But sometimes I forget just how wonderful it all is - it has been over 3 years since Sierra was a baby after all.  Having a new baby just reminded me of all that we missed out on with Adelyn.

And I end with this quote, so true for our circumstances right now:
"The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes."  ~Thomas Hardy


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