Saturday, October 8, 2011

Too Much

The title of this post has more than one meaning.  First, I always try to do too much.  Especially right now.  I needed to go return stuff and get some last minute things this morning.  Instead, I went to my neighbor's house and learned how to make bows.  I made Sierra a special rainbow one to wear when she meets rainbow baby:
Isn't it pretty?  They aren't really that hard!  It was a nice morning, chatting with other moms while the kids played.  We are so fortunate that there are so many kids around the same age.  Today there was a 4.5 year old boy, a 4 year old boy, Sierra who is 3.5 and another girl who is 2.5.  They played so nicely.  It was another beautiful day.  Sierra has been super sweet and loving lately.  Days like these, I would give anything to be able to stay home all the time.  But that is not to say every day is like this when you are a stay at home mom.  Certainly I have days that are so difficult, I wish I was at work.  It won't be too long, and I will be :(

Sierra randomly asked multiple times today if Adelyn could wear some of the pretty bows we made.  Sigh.

Today was parent observation day at Sierra's dance class.  She was so cute - even asking the teacher 100 why questions and getting a chuckle out of many of the other parents.  But she kept running over and sitting next to me, giving me hugs, instead of hanging out with the other girls.  Maybe it was because her best buddy wasn't there this week?  Or she knows her time as the one and only center of my universe is diminishing quickly?

I had planned on running my errands when my husband got home from golfing, but then he informed me he may have found a used Ipad on craigslist.  He had to meet the guy at 9, but he couldn't call him until 8:30.  So I couldn't go, and when he called the guy, he didn't answer.  I guess he sold it - which I figured would happen.  And I still didn't get my errands done.

I did finish washing blankets (why do we have like 100 of them?) and the crib sheet and changing table cover.  I was putting them away in the nursery when both Trevor and Sierra came in.  I completely forgot that last year all cribs with the drop rails were recalled and we had received a part to immobolize ours, but never installed it.  I told him this, and he got all weird and said that I had said not to worry about it last year.  I know I never said that, he did.  But that was then.  He made a point that Sierra slept in it and was fine.  Right - but Sierra went through labor and delivery and was fine.  Adelyn went through the same, and was NOT fine.  Just because one baby escapes unharmed, doesn't guarantee another will.  We know that too well.  I was annoyed.

So I tried organzing other stuff and stood there by the closet, looking at Adelyn's coming home outfit.  It is still hanging on the outside of her closet, as it has been for just about the past year.  Except when I put it on our Molly Bear for a bit.  I know I need to move it, so I picked it up.  But where to?  I stood there, holding it, feeling it, not knowing what to do with it, and it just hit me.  The tears came.  I feel like if I put it away, it means I am "forgetting" her.  Which I know could never happen, but still.  I'm not ready to put it in her box, but I can't keep it hanging there either.  Sigh.

On to the other meaning of the title of this post:  This just all feels like too much right now.  Too much, too soon.  I'm not ready to put Adelyn's memory boxes away or her dress.  That is "her" room, I'm not ready for a different baby to take it over.  I thought I was 9 months ago, but it seems the closer I get to it, the less ready I am.  It's just so, so hard right now.  If one more person asks me if I am excited or ready, I may harm them.  No,  I'm not either.

Even my husband doesn't get it.  He talked about installing the car seat Sunday morning.  I told him NO way, he can wait until after.  And he seems to be itching to put the pack and play out.  I don't want it out, not because I think this baby isn't coming home.  Empty baby gear just reminds me - of last year, staring at it.  Then he makes comments that he has no idea how much they bother me.  Usually it happens in front of Sierra or others, so I can't really say much in the moment.

So, I guess tomorrow I will be running my errands before we are off to a wedding.  No resting in this house.

Almost forgot - here's a picture of the pumpkin I bought for Adelyn because it makes me happy and this post needs to end in a happier place.


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