One Year

It's been one year since I held her, felt her, touched her.  What I wouldn't give for just one more moment with her in my arms.


This picture was taken at the funeral home.  We did not have a viewing or anything, but I decided that I needed to see her one more time.  That was the best decision I ever made.  Because we chose to have an autopsy performed, the hospital would not/could not remove the breathing tube from her mouth.  It was so hard to see her like that.  All I wanted was to see her without the tube, to have a picture of her in my head and maybe even on my camera of her.  We had gone in to make arrangements, decide on an urn, etc. and at some point I asked if it was possible to see her again, hoping the tube would be gone.  The person helping us (what is the correct term for that?) said she would see if she was "viewable" since she had an autopsy and get back to us.  She quickly called back and said yes we could see her the next day.

I vividly remember that morning, exactly one year ago today.  I was SO nervous, I felt sick to my stomach.  I was afraid of what she was going to look like, yet I needed to see her without the tube. I was worried since we didn't have a viewing or get a casket we would have to go see her where they kept all the bodies or something. I remember them taking us into a room and there she was, dressed all in pink, wrapped in this soft, fuzzy blanket, no tube in her mouth.  She took my breath away, she was so beautiful and peaceful.  I truly believe seeing her like that was a major turning point for me.  I needed that.  I think that I will forever be grateful to the funeral home for doing something the hospital failed to do - making her look peaceful, dressing her in regular clothes, treating her with respect.  While she did look different since it had been 4 days and an autopsy, the pictures I took are one of my most cherished possessions.