September 29, 2011

I was up late the night before, working on the video I made for Adelyn.  Probably it was around 11:30 or 12 when I finally got up from the computer.  I went downstairs, thinking I could decompress and watch a little TV.  Even though it was late, I needed to unwind. I only made it halfway through Grey's Anatomy before nodding off.  So I went back upstairs to get ready for bed.  I usually brush my teeth in the office or extra bathroom so I don't wake Trevor up.  So I came in the office and saw something moving around outside.  I looked closer and saw that someone had put ballooons on our mailbox.  It made me smile - someone remembered.  I couldn't figure out who did it, because I knew it had to be sometime fairly late at night.  Here's a picture from the next day:

It was nice because when Sierra woke up, she asked why there were balloons on the mailbox and I got to tell her because it was Adelyn's birthday. We had talked about it before, but she needed a reminder.  It was really windy that day, and as the day went on the balloons somehow blew off.  I like to think they went to heaven to see Adelyn.

The morning was uneventful. Trevor worked from home and the only place he can hook up  his computer is in the family room, which is where all Sierra's toys are.  So she kept interrupting him and it was windy and sort of rainy out, so we could not go outside.  I decided to run a few errands for later that day and take her with me.  It felt good to get out, took my mind off of things and kept me busy.  I still find it hard to stay home all day most of the time.  So we went to Target to print some picture for Adelyn's scrapbook, then to Lowe's to buy flowers to plant (we bought pink mums - I thought this was perfect since they are a fall flower and fall is Adelyn's season).  I also decided to buy the garden sculpture I have been wanting.  Then we went to buy 3 balloons to release to Adelyn, one from each of us, at the Dollar Store.  I was excited when I saw they had pink hearts - perfect.  But their helium tank wasn't working - boo.  So we bought lots of stuff for Halloween but nothing we went in for!  Then we went to the grocery store to buy a cake and got plain pink balloons.  I also saw mini rose bushes and they had one that was a different shade of pink than the one in her garden.  They do really well there so I decided to buy it, since we bought one last year as well for her.

Then we came home and had lunch and Sierra gave us trouble about napping.  Trevor worked his magic and got her to sleep.  A little while later, the UPS truck came by and I figured it was for our neighbor since I knew I hadn't ordered anything.  But it was for us- flowers.  I was trying to figure out who could have sent them before I opened the card, but couldn't. So when I opened the card and saw it was from Trevor's cousin who shares a birthday with Adelyn, the emotions started hitting me.  Then at that exact moment, I realized that Trevor had the TV on (as usual) and City of Angels the movie was on. The song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan was playing right as we were opening the flowers.  This is one of the songs that we played at Adelyn's funeral.  Then I really started feeling emotional and my eyes welled up with tears.  I think I got the chills, and I just felt Adelyn's presence in that moment.  Wow.

Trevor decided to run out for a bit and I was left with a napping Sierra and quiet house.  It was hard, I started thinking about last year at that time.  All the neighbors were outside and I could hear the kids playing.  Everyone going about their usual day, everyone but us.  It reminded me of hearing car doors and seeing the parents drop their kids off last year, while I laid in bed without my baby girl. 

When Trevor finally got home, we ate a quick dinner and headed outside because we wanted to release the balloons around the time she was born.

We watched the balloons float up to the sky and then planted her rose bush.

I love the soft shade of pink on the roses and the little girl holding a butterfly sort of makes me think of Sierra and her sister.  Or that the girl is Adelyn playing with butterflies in Heaven.  Either thought is a beautiful one.

Then we decided to take our dog on a walk and put up some more Halloween decorations.  In the process, we chatted with some neighbors.  I figured out it was one of them who put the balloons on our mailbox - I figured since I know the one is probably the only other person on our street up that late!  It was such a sweet thing to do though, I am so grateful that she thought of us.  I definitely got a ton of texts and Facebook messages that day as well.  Some people who are not even on Facebook remembered - not sure how they remembered the exact date, but it was nice.  I loved seeing the pictures of people wearing  pink or lighting their candles for Adelyn.

Finally we came inside and had ice cream cake. Sierra sang  happy birthday to Adelyn and blew out her candle.

Then we gave Sierra a present from Adelyn - big sister/little sister dolls.  I had wanted to get them for her last year, but never did.  Then after Adelyn died, I couldn't even look at them without feeling sad.  Until one day - and they were on sale so I got them.  I never want her to forget that she is a big sister to a little sister, no matter what gender rainbow baby is.

Probably not the best idea to give Sierra a new doll right before bed, because she wanted to play instead of sleep.  Trevor tucked her all in and I went in to give her a good night hug and kiss to this:

I sometimes have to wonder if Sierra ends up being twice as spoiled because we shower her with love and gifts meant for two little girls.

Here is our candle burning for Adelyn all day on her birthday:

I still can't believe it has been one whole year.  Yet, it really seems like it was yesterday in so many ways.  I'm not sure if it's the weather, the dates, or knowing I am going back to that same hospital to have a different baby - but I miss my baby girl more than ever right now.