Sunday, September 30, 2012

September 29, 2012

Written on Adelyn's 2nd birthday in heaven:

Today marks two years since our baby girl was born and two years since she went to heaven.  So hard to believe it has been two years.  It seems like yesterday, yet it seems so long ago.  I never thought I would survive it, the pain was just too great.  That pain still resurfaces from time to time, and when it does it hurts just as much as it did then.  Back then the pain was there every second of every day.

Today didn't go exactly as planned, but these days when does it ever?  Sierra had dance class this morning, so I took her.  My stomach started bothering me while I was there.  I recognized the feeling - I call it "grief stomach."  I can't explain it, but I do know it's exactly how my stomach felt two years ago, for weeks.  I had to force myself to eat.

After dance we stopped at the post office to mail a package to my cousin-in-law who shares a birthday with Adelyn.  I feel bad that it will be late, considering I've had it since Easter!  I planned on taking it Thursday but after my meltdown Wednesday night I never got it ready.  Then I thought I would go Thursday but it rained all day and I just didn't get out.  There is a grocery store right next to it so we got a balloon, more pink icing, and sprinkles at Sierra's request.  The check out lady asked Sierra if it was her birthday.  I cringed thinking I was going to have to tell the story but Sierra just answered no.  I feel bad saying this, but I was relieved.  It's not that I don't want to share her story, but not with a stranger at the store. 

By the time we got home it was time for lunch and my stomach was still feeling yucky.  I was just not in a good mood by then.  So much I wanted to do, so little time.  Sierra and I baked a cake:

She went a little crazy with the sprinkles.  Next year I will buy pink because you can carely see the pink icing!  What a sad looking cake but it sure tasted good and that's what matters!  And that we had fun baking it.

We sent off 2 sky lanterns tonight:
It's sort of ironic to be sending  Happy Birthday and In Memory of at the same time. Such is life when you have a baby in heaven.

The only thing I didn't get to was messing with her garden.  Hopefully the rain stops so we can do it tomorrow before the plants suffer.   It's hard to decide where to put everything, and hubby isn't much help with decisions so my dad is hopefully going to come help tomorrow.

I had a vision of a nice picture of them in front of the new flag a special friend sent for Adelyn's Garden.  This is the best I got.  The shirts were made using parts of an outfit I had bought for Adelyn.  I thought it was a nice way to inclue her.

The grief feeling in my gut was there all day.  I thought about Adelyn a lot today, like I do every day, but I just couldn't allow myself to go back to this day two years ago or look through her memory box.  Too painful right now.

I had a few friends (or so I thought they were friends?) who disappointed me and didn't even mention anything at all.  Now, I certainly don't expect people to remember the exact date, because heck I can hardly remember everyone I know's birthdays.  But there were a few people who were really there for me when Adelyn died, and last year as well on her birthday, who didn't say a thing.  If you are my friend on Facebook, surely you couldn't possibly forget.  All I wanted was a "thinking of you" or something to show me you didn't forget her.  Or when I say something about September being a difficult month, at least validate my feelings, acknowledge the fact that I had a daughter who died.  Instead some change the subject.  Maybe it's me being extra sensitive, but it hurt my feelings.  That being said, I am thankful for the great friends who aren't afraid to ask how I'm doing all month long and who always listen and say the right thing.   

I have to admit I am glad the day is over with.  Hopefully things will go back to our "new normal" now as we move into October.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!  I hope you saw the lanterns we sent up and felt our love today.  We miss you and love you so much.


KrystalK said...

(((((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))
We are also approaching 2 years. I get that "grief stomach" A LOT. Or my heart feels like its being squeezed and tugged on. That usually comes along with the tummy problems.
I hope you are having some better days. Have you seen the Carly Marie "capture your grief" project yet? I decided to join in, hoping it will make this month a little easier to get through. those lanterns are pretty awesome! Where did you get them?? I would love to get some more for Stella's Bday too.
Hope you have a good day momma <3

Melissa said...

Happy Birthday Adelyn <3

Valerie said...

Obviously sad, but also a very beautiful day.

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