Sunday, September 9, 2012

Weather = Flashbacks

All week I've been complaining about the weather.  When you work in schools without air conditioning, you watch the weather closely.  And when you see days of almost 90 plus 80% humidity, you want to cry.  It's awful!

That was pretty much this entire work week for me.  Except Tuesday, that day the building I work in is air conditioned.  Let me tell you, it makes a huge difference in how you feel at the end of the day.  The heat drains you and makes you feel dirty and gross.  Honestly, I am not sure why I bother to shower before work on those hot days.  Thursday, when I walked in the building, it was so hot I wanted to turn around and go back home.  I wasn't sure I would make it a whole day in that heat.  I guess my body got used to it, because I did, but there were moments when I felt sick.

There are two very pregnant teachers in my building.  Interestingly enough, one is due around Adelyn's birthday and the other around Coen's.  Seeing them is kind of taking me back, as I have been pregnant this time of year for the past two years.  It's sort of strange to not be, and sometimes I get sad about it.  Crazy, right - being how hot it is?

I do feel so bad for the pregnant teachers, as I  know just how awful it is.  It was this hot when I was pregnant with Adelyn, and I worked past my due date!  But, it wasn't until another teacher brought up how awful it must be and how bad she felt for them, that it bothered me.  The teacher that made the comment is the sweetest person - in fact, she had even asked me the day before how I was doing, since this is a difficult month for me.  So I know it has nothing to do with her.

I just started thinking - and getting angry.  What about me?  I went through the same exact thing two years ago, and my baby died.  All that for a dead baby.  At least their babies probably won't die.  But I did it, went through the same thing, for nothing.  I couldn't stop being mad about it.  I'm having a very hard time sympathizing with anyone lately.  I don't like that.

Today, the heat finally broke.  Figures, it's a Saturday!  But with the cooler weather, came rain.  I could feel a bad day coming, and the rain always makes it harder to stay upbeat.  I was at the computer, listening to a song from someone's blog that really hit my emotions, and I looked over and saw Coen sort of dancing.  It made me smile - and it was one of those very bittersweet moments.  My heart was hurting so badly for Adelyn, but at the same time it was bursting with love and joy for Coen.

And then I looked out the window, and saw the rain.  In that moment, it was October 2010 again.  I could vividly remember laying in my bed, on a dreary morning, and hearing car doors shutting, little kids talking, parents happily dropping their kids off at my neighbor's house.  Their lives went on like nothing happened, but mine would never be the same. 

After that, my day was never the same.  I was useless, and wanted to mope the rest of the day.  I had a lump in my throat all day, and the Adelyn-sized hole in my heart felt a lot bigger than usual.

Silly me for thinking I could sail right through September this year.  Silly, silly me.  This month is just so bittersweet.  I thought it would be less bittersweet than last year, but it's not.  It's like my heart is being pulled in two totally opposite directions. First we have the anniversary of the saddest day of my life.  Then 11 short days later, the anniversary of probably the best day of my life, the happiest I had ever been since that saddest day happened.

It's a lot to handle, even after another year has passed.  I guess I better get used to it. 


Zarah said...

I know what you mean I feel the same way, like I should be 9 months pregnant...its strange not to be. Your in my thoughts and prayers this month!

Melissa said...

I feel you on this post. I hate those moments when I get irrationally angry and bitter towards people who don't deserve it, or especially when memories of moments from after Charlotte died come screaming back.

Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? It's a movie that includes a memory eraser for specific memories/events. I wish I could erase all memories associated with her death. Not her, just those memories that haunt me.

Lisa said...

Melissa, that's exactly it. I just wrote that in trying to explain how I feel to someone. I so wish I could forget all the painful memories of losing her, but not forget her.

Post a Comment