Friday, September 21, 2012

11 Days

11 days.

Just 11 days separate two dates that represent opposite moments in my life.

September 29, 2010 - the worst day of my life.

October 10, 2011 - one of the best days of my life, if not THE best.

How can this be?  How am I supposed to go from the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life, to first anniversary of the best?  That's a whole lot of emotion to cover in just 11 days.

I didn't realize it would be this hard to have their birthdays so close together.  When we thought about trying again, the only thing I cared about was that our next baby was born  after Adelyn's 1st birthday, and not in September.

I actually really wanted an October baby, for many reasons.  I wanted a baby ASAP, and October is obviously the first month after her first birthday.  But also, for work reasons - I knew I couldn't handle working while pregnant.  I work with kids, who don't understand what happened with Adelyn, and I couldn't bear having to explain should something go wrong again.  I also couldn't handle people making a big fuss over me and asking me if I was excited.  Nope - just terrified and guilty.  I figured I could hide being pregnant until the end of the school year then not go back until after the baby was born.  That's exactly what I did, somehow - not sure how people didn't suspect.  October does have my favorite birthstone too (not that boys care about that, but it's an excuse to have someone buy me opals).

I thought having another baby so close to Adelyn's birthday would be helpful. I thought it would make this time of year happier.  I thought still getting to plan a fall birthday would be helpful, even though it wasn't for the baby I thought it would be 2 years ago.

I was wrong.  So, so wrong.  Having their birthday just 11 days apart is SO hard.  I feel rushed, like I have to push aside my grief in remembering Adelyn so I can plan Coen's birthday.  I feel like as soon as hers is over, I have to turn my emotions in a completely opposite direction in order to celebrate the miracle of his birth, the greatest day, when joy was restored to our lives.  I feel like I am jipping Coen, because his birthday is always going to be a little overshadowed with Adelyn's.  There will always be some sadness this time of year.  I just hope that once we turn the calendars to October, that I will start to get excited for his birthday.  Right now, I'm just not there.  It probably doesn't help that I just don't want my baby to turn 1 already :(


KnottedFingers said...

*big hugs* I love you sweetie. I'm thinking of you on these rough days

Melissa said...

I have the opposite with Alexa and Charlotte. Alexa's birthday is 20 days before Charlotte's so although I am dreading November, I am excited for Alexa's birthday. But it sucks to immediately go to sadness right after her birthday. I guess really there's no way to win. We got our rainbow babies quickly after our losses, which is exactly what we wanted but their birthdays will always be mixed with some sadness.

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