Just 11 days separate two dates that represent opposite moments in my life.
September 29, 2010 - the worst day of my life.
October 10, 2011 - one of the best days of my life, if not THE best.
How can this be? How am I supposed to go from the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life, to first anniversary of the best? That's a whole lot of emotion to cover in just 11 days.
I didn't realize it would be this hard to have their birthdays so close together. When we thought about trying again, the only thing I cared about was that our next baby was born after Adelyn's 1st birthday, and not in September.
I actually really wanted an October baby, for many reasons. I wanted a baby ASAP, and October is obviously the first month after her first birthday. But also, for work reasons - I knew I couldn't handle working while pregnant. I work with kids, who don't understand what happened with Adelyn, and I couldn't bear having to explain should something go wrong again. I also couldn't handle people making a big fuss over me and asking me if I was excited. Nope - just terrified and guilty. I figured I could hide being pregnant until the end of the school year then not go back until after the baby was born. That's exactly what I did, somehow - not sure how people didn't suspect. October does have my favorite birthstone too (not that boys care about that, but it's an excuse to have someone buy me opals).
I thought having another baby so close to Adelyn's birthday would be helpful. I thought it would make this time of year happier. I thought still getting to plan a fall birthday would be helpful, even though it wasn't for the baby I thought it would be 2 years ago.
I was wrong. So, so wrong. Having their birthday just 11 days apart is SO hard. I feel rushed, like I have to push aside my grief in remembering Adelyn so I can plan Coen's birthday. I feel like as soon as hers is over, I have to turn my emotions in a completely opposite direction in order to celebrate the miracle of his birth, the greatest day, when joy was restored to our lives. I feel like I am jipping Coen, because his birthday is always going to be a little overshadowed with Adelyn's. There will always be some sadness this time of year. I just hope that once we turn the calendars to October, that I will start to get excited for his birthday. Right now, I'm just not there. It probably doesn't help that I just don't want my baby to turn 1 already :(
1 week ago