Sleeping Babies

When Coen was first born, I would freak out a few times every day when I would look at him sleeping.  I never wrote about this before, but if he fell asleep in the swing or in his pack and play, I would try to get some things done.  At least twice per day, I would glance at him as I passed by to check if he was still sleeping.  But because of my past, instead of seeing a sweet, sleeping baby, I saw a dead baby.  I would have to run over and check to make sure he was breathing every time.

For the longest time, a sleeping baby looked like a dead baby to me.  In fact, there is a picture of my niece at my brother's house in black and white, she is maybe 2 months old and sleeping in it, and it reminds me of the pictures from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep."  I have a hard time looking at it.

So the sleeping baby = dead baby thing went away after awhile, thankfully.  However, with Coen being sick this past week, it has returned, but different.  He was coughing a lot the other night, he woke us up he was coughing so much.  But he didn't cry or wake up, so we let him be.  I should have checked on him, but I am so exhausted all the time that I don't get up out of bed unless I have to.  And if he was coughing, that meant he was breathing.  When I woke up the next morning, it was quiet.  The fear returned.  What if he choked on his mucus?  What if I went in to wake him up and he was dead?  I was almost afraid to go in to get him in the morning.  I turned on the light and held my breath until I saw him move.

Tonight, I went in to check on him and found this:

He has been rolling over for awhile, but never in his crib while he slept.  I don't like this one bit.  Sierra slept like this since she was probably 4 months old....as soon as she could roll over, she slept on her belly.  The difference is when she was a baby, I never thought one of my babies would die.  I know better now, so Coen sleeping on his belly makes me nervous.  I know it's not recommended, but what can you do once they can do it on their own?