Saturday, April 14, 2012

Just When You Get to a Good Place....

Something comes along to knock you back some.  That is my new normal, this new life I lead.  I am happy for awhile, and I feel guilty about it every so often, but mostly life is good again.

And then something happens.  Tonight I was working with Sierra on learning her address and then we went over all her family members' names.  Daddy, mommy, brother, cousins, etc.  She knows them all.  I'm always curious if she will include Adelyn or not.  So I kept asking questions to see if it would come up.  I played dumb and asked her if she had another brother, and she said no but we have Adelyn.  I asked her who Adelyn was to her and she said "my sister."  At that point my heart leap out of my chest in happiness.  I want her to always mention Adelyn as her sister.

Then the questions started.  "Mommy, why do we have a girl baby in the sky and a boy baby here?"  I answered honestly with I don't know.  Then came the comment she has never made, but I dreaded hearing.  Back when I was pregnant we would tell her that it could be a boy baby and she would get mad and say she didn't like boy babies and that we were "supposed to" have a girl baby.  Once Coen was here, I thought she was over that because she loves him so much and never said anything about wanting a girl baby.

Until tonight.  "Mommy, why can't we have a boy baby in the sky and a girl baby here?"  Ouch.  I said I don't know.  Then she asked if Adelyn was going to stay in the sky forever and I said yes.  She said "I really wish she was here because I love her so much."  I can't explain what emotion I was feeling by now.  It made me sad to think she wanted to "trade" Coen for Adelyn.  She loves Coen.....I think she was just confused, why wouldn't she be?  I am.  I just want them both here and I wish that was how she put it.  I reminded her how much she loves Coen and that she wouldn't want to not have him.  She said yeah but girls are better and that she likes all girls.

I hope that this is a one time thing and she doesn't keep wishing for a sister (on Earth).  What little girl doesn't want a sister?  It's just hard when it's your little girl who came so close to having a sister to grow up with, but will never get the chance.  We want to give our kids everything they want, at least I do.  I would give her the world, I do give her everything I can every single day.  But that is the one thing I can never give her.  And some days it just about kills me.

Not fair, not fair at all.


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