September 29, 2012

Written on Adelyn's 2nd birthday in heaven:

Today marks two years since our baby girl was born and two years since she went to heaven.  So hard to believe it has been two years.  It seems like yesterday, yet it seems so long ago.  I never thought I would survive it, the pain was just too great.  That pain still resurfaces from time to time, and when it does it hurts just as much as it did then.  Back then the pain was there every second of every day.

Today didn't go exactly as planned, but these days when does it ever?  Sierra had dance class this morning, so I took her.  My stomach started bothering me while I was there.  I recognized the feeling - I call it "grief stomach."  I can't explain it, but I do know it's exactly how my stomach felt two years ago, for weeks.  I had to force myself to eat.

After dance we stopped at the post office to mail a package to my cousin-in-law who shares a birthday with Adelyn.  I feel bad that it will be late, considering I've had it since Easter!  I planned on taking it Thursday but after my meltdown Wednesday night I never got it ready.  Then I thought I would go Thursday but it rained all day and I just didn't get out.  There is a grocery store right next to it so we got a balloon, more pink icing, and sprinkles at Sierra's request.  The check out lady asked Sierra if it was her birthday.  I cringed thinking I was going to have to tell the story but Sierra just answered no.  I feel bad saying this, but I was relieved.  It's not that I don't want to share her story, but not with a stranger at the store. 

By the time we got home it was time for lunch and my stomach was still feeling yucky.  I was just not in a good mood by then.  So much I wanted to do, so little time.  Sierra and I baked a cake:

She went a little crazy with the sprinkles.  Next year I will buy pink because you can carely see the pink icing!  What a sad looking cake but it sure tasted good and that's what matters!  And that we had fun baking it.

We sent off 2 sky lanterns tonight:

It's sort of ironic to be sending  Happy Birthday and In Memory of at the same time. Such is life when you have a baby in heaven.

The only thing I didn't get to was messing with her garden.  Hopefully the rain stops so we can do it tomorrow before the plants suffer.   It's hard to decide where to put everything, and hubby isn't much help with decisions so my dad is hopefully going to come help tomorrow.

I had a vision of a nice picture of them in front of the new flag a special friend sent for Adelyn's Garden.  This is the best I got.  The shirts were made using parts of an outfit I had bought for Adelyn.  I thought it was a nice way to inclue her.

The grief feeling in my gut was there all day.  I thought about Adelyn a lot today, like I do every day, but I just couldn't allow myself to go back to this day two years ago or look through her memory box.  Too painful right now.

I had a few friends (or so I thought they were friends?) who disappointed me and didn't even mention anything at all.  Now, I certainly don't expect people to remember the exact date, because heck I can hardly remember everyone I know's birthdays.  But there were a few people who were really there for me when Adelyn died, and last year as well on her birthday, who didn't say a thing.  If you are my friend on Facebook, surely you couldn't possibly forget.  All I wanted was a "thinking of you" or something to show me you didn't forget her.  Or when I say something about September being a difficult month, at least validate my feelings, acknowledge the fact that I had a daughter who died.  Instead some change the subject.  Maybe it's me being extra sensitive, but it hurt my feelings.  That being said, I am thankful for the great friends who aren't afraid to ask how I'm doing all month long and who always listen and say the right thing.   

I have to admit I am glad the day is over with.  Hopefully things will go back to our "new normal" now as we move into October.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!  I hope you saw the lanterns we sent up and felt our love today.  We miss you and love you so much.

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Happy Birthday Adelyn! This quote couldn't say it better.

Tears

For awhile now, I have felt like I had tears that needed to come.  Something would happen and it would make me sad, I'd stop and wait for the tears, and they wouldn't come.  It was like I was numb.  It bothered me.  Usually after I cry I feel better, and I knew I needed a good cry.

Well, today it happened.  And of course, something completely unrelated to Adelyn sparked them.   That's how the ugly grief monster goes.

But actually, what looks like it had nothing to do with Adelyn, in fact, may have had everything to do with her.

I've been feeling overwhelmed between adjusting to work, lack of time to do what I want, not enough sleep, housework piling up, etc.  Plus this time of year just brings back so much, no matter how hard I try to not let it.  The weather, the dates, everything.

I'm the type of person that doesn't speak up when something bothers me.  Very often, people, even friends, innocently say things that upset me.  Example, people talking about how hard it is to have three children.  I wouldn't know what it's like to have three kids in my house to care for, but I am sure it's not easy.  But, it can't possibly be harder than parenting two kids on Earth and one in Heaven.  I am positive of that.

Yet, when people say things that hurt my feelings unknowingly, I say nothing.  I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable, but in turn I make myself feel uncomfortable.  I walk away, or if I can't I listen and say nothing.  I go home and vent to my husband or a good friend.  The feelings dwindle with time.

Or so I think.

What really happens, is they are stored.  And stored.  And stored. And in the month of September, there are LOTS of them to be stored.  Everything bothers me more, I get angry very easily, I am overprotective of my children.  Someone does something to my kid, and I could fly off the handle right then and there.  This is something you just can't understand until you lose a child.  Your job as a mother is to protect your child, and you couldn't protect them from death.  You know the pain of losing a child, and it hurts so much you do everything in your power to NEVER let it happen again.  Not that it's in your control.  Your other child lived through losing a sibling and you don't want to ever see them upset.  No mother wants to, but I truly believe it is greatly magnified in a mother who has a child in Heaven.

I'm angry lately.  Very, very angry.  Angry that there was another baby at my cousin's baptism also named Adalyn - why did they get to keep their Adalyn?  I'm angry that 3 baby girls were born to teachers I work with in the last two weeks.  The worst time of year for that.  I'm angry that someone else's second daughter lived and mine didn't.  Of course I am glad for them, but sad for me if that makes sense (I would never wish the death of a baby on anyone).  I'm angry that the doctors let me do a version.  I'm angry that the doctor that delivered Adelyn didn't give me a c-section.  I have no idea if  I had a c-section, the outcome would have been different.  But I'm angry nonetheless.  I'm angry at the hospital for not calling Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I'm angry I don't have pictures of her feet.  I'm angry I don't have any pictures of her in her clothes.  I'm angry that I don't like any of her pictures.

I told you I was angry.  So, where is all this anger?  Well, it's stored in there, waiting for just the right trigger to relese it.

And that's exactly what happened yesterday and into today.  I don't want to use that as an excuse, but I know it's what happened.  I know I've been easily angered lately, I have even told a few friends that I need to stop letting little things bother me.

But when you are 3 days away from the 2nd anniversary of your daughter's death, it's easier said than done.

I just hope that things are going to be ok.  I've been crying all night.  I have a headache from crying, my contacts were stuck to my eyes.  Not a good night.

Hoping I wake up to a better day.  I decided to take the day off from work, a mental health day - and that is the truth.  Sorry for the rant, and negative post, but it's how I feel right now and writing it out makes me feel better.

Overload

I'm on overload.

September is not my month.  For the obvious reason, yes.  But also because it is SO hard to get back in the swing of working again.  I've been back to work for one full month now and finally I don't feel so overwhelmed that I want to run away.  The beginning of the year stuff is SO hard and stressful.  Trying to schedule 60 some students for therapy sessions between 3 different buildings.  Add in the lack of space in all the buildings, so I have to share rooms at 2 of those buildings and work around those teachers' schedules as well.  Some things didn't work out, so I had to change them around. 

My computer at one of my buildings crashed, so I've been without a computer there since school started.  There is no space at my one school, and I overlap a half day with the person I share rooms with, so I have to see kids in the teachers' lounge.  No computer there either!

I got my usual Labor Day cold, and with it came a lot of sinus pain and I had a headache off and on for almost 2 weeks.  Hubby had it too and so did Coen, but somehow Sierra escaped it.  Then as soon as I finally felt better, we got this stomach thing where we just couldn't eat and had the worst stomach cramps.  That lasted awhile too.  One thing after another.  Being sort of sick, taking care of kids, and working full time - not easy.

Also adjusting to the lack of "me" time.  There are so many things I want to do, and I just can't get them done.  Then I feel guilty if I don't spend my time home with the kids because I don't see them much.  Literally 20 minutes in the morning - Sierra is cranky and Coen just wants fed and is a nightmare to change anymore.  Then I pick them up and attempt to cook while Sierra whines and Coen screams until I feed him.  Then it's bath and bed time shortly after.  So, I miss most of their "happy" time when I am working.  It sucks.

Then I have been trying to organize my house and clear out baby gear and clothes that we don't need, and make a little cash in the process.  That is a huge job, and sad to get rid of it all.  I hope I don't change my mind about having more kids!

And of course, Adelyn's birthday coming up is playing a big role in my emotional state.  I am trying not to dwell on the what ifs and could haves, but it's hard.  I have been very angry about it all over again, and trying to push through.  I know I just need to have a good cry, yet I just can't.  A friend sent me the most perfect gift and I still couldn't cry.  I'm holding it in, pushing through, but I just don't feel like myself right now.

I miss her.  I want people to remember her, yet sometimes I want to be "normal" and not be the one whose baby died.  Sometimes I want to forget that this happened to me.  If only it were that easy.

11 Days

11 days.

Just 11 days separate two dates that represent opposite moments in my life.

September 29, 2010 - the worst day of my life.

October 10, 2011 - one of the best days of my life, if not THE best.

How can this be?  How am I supposed to go from the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life, to first anniversary of the best?  That's a whole lot of emotion to cover in just 11 days.

I didn't realize it would be this hard to have their birthdays so close together.  When we thought about trying again, the only thing I cared about was that our next baby was born  after Adelyn's 1st birthday, and not in September.

I actually really wanted an October baby, for many reasons.  I wanted a baby ASAP, and October is obviously the first month after her first birthday.  But also, for work reasons - I knew I couldn't handle working while pregnant.  I work with kids, who don't understand what happened with Adelyn, and I couldn't bear having to explain should something go wrong again.  I also couldn't handle people making a big fuss over me and asking me if I was excited.  Nope - just terrified and guilty.  I figured I could hide being pregnant until the end of the school year then not go back until after the baby was born.  That's exactly what I did, somehow - not sure how people didn't suspect.  October does have my favorite birthstone too (not that boys care about that, but it's an excuse to have someone buy me opals).

I thought having another baby so close to Adelyn's birthday would be helpful. I thought it would make this time of year happier.  I thought still getting to plan a fall birthday would be helpful, even though it wasn't for the baby I thought it would be 2 years ago.

I was wrong.  So, so wrong.  Having their birthday just 11 days apart is SO hard.  I feel rushed, like I have to push aside my grief in remembering Adelyn so I can plan Coen's birthday.  I feel like as soon as hers is over, I have to turn my emotions in a completely opposite direction in order to celebrate the miracle of his birth, the greatest day, when joy was restored to our lives.  I feel like I am jipping Coen, because his birthday is always going to be a little overshadowed with Adelyn's.  There will always be some sadness this time of year.  I just hope that once we turn the calendars to October, that I will start to get excited for his birthday.  Right now, I'm just not there.  It probably doesn't help that I just don't want my baby to turn 1 already :(

Another Adelyn

I have never known anyone named Adelyn before.  Of course, I had heard of the name before I used it - but honestly I really cannot remember how.  I know I loved Madelyn but wanted something different, as Madelyn was super popular.  That's how I decided on Adelyn.

Today we went to a baptism for the first baby girl born into our extended family since Adelyn.  I had a hard time with this baby for a few weeks, and since then I have been fine.  She is the one I bought the bow holder for (this post) and this weekend I remembered how to make bows and made her 2.  I was proud.

Well, we were on our way to her house, when I got a text from my cousin.  She wanted to warn me that the mother of the baby getting baptized has a cousin whose daughter is named Adalyn and she was there.

Great.  I started feeling sick to my stomach.  It's not like I have a copyright to that name, but I wish I did!  I had no clue how old this Adalyn was, but thankfully she was just a baby so no one was calling her name out loud.  I would not have been able to handle that.  I hope everyone else was warned too, because I can only imagine the look on anyone in our family's face if they asked what the baby's name was, only to hear "Adalyn."  It's spelled different, I only know because my other cousin told me. 

I was standing in line to get food, with Sierra dressed in a hot pink tutu with a sparkly pink flower  headband - ultra girly.  Yet, as I looked over and saw the pink cake and pink plates, my heart sank.  I can't explain it - I have a very girly daughter, yet sometimes the sight of pink makes me sad.

It was all just what I needed today, to make me miss her more.

What are the Chances?

September 13, 2010 - I had a routine dr. appointment after work, I was almost 39 weeks pregnant with Adelyn.  The dr. didn't think he felt her head, and sent me right away for an ultrasound since I was already so far along. Sure enough, he was right and she was breech.  I was devastated.  I was deathly afraid of a c-section.  I didn't know what to do.  I spoke to the dr. after the appointment, and he said I had two choices: schedule a c-section a few days later, or try to turn her.  He did not offer much information, and when I asked he really didn't recommend one way or the other.  Isn't that a dr.'s job?  I was confused, but I think I immediately knew I wanted to try to turn her.  If the dr. gave me it as an option, it had to be safe, right? 

Apparently not.  I still struggle with the guilt of that decision.  I try not to dwell on it, but if I let myself think too much I start to feel sick to m stomach.  While we don't know for sure what caused Adelyn to die, we think it was a combination of many things, one of them being the version to turn her.  If only I had chose differently.....

September 13, 2011 - I had my weekly ultrasound/biophysical profile.  Coen had been breech at every single ultrasound since my 19 week scan.  I woke up feeling different, and was pretty sure he had flipped. Sure enough, another ultrasound at the same exact place that told me Adelyn was breech one year earlier, told me this time that Coen was NOT.

It blew my mind last year.  I remembered the dates of all these events related to Adelyn, and posted about it then.  One year later, it still seems so ironic.  I mean, what are the chances of it being the exact same date? 

Really missing my girl lately, as all these dates start to hit.   Wake me up when September ends.

11 Months

Yesterday Coen was 11 months old.  I spent my evening trying to take some decent pictures for his "Baby's First Year" frame and baby book.  It was tough, he has a little cold and wasn't his usual happy self.  So.....no time to blog last night!

How can it be that my baby will be turning 1 in a month?!  I am so not ready for this, literally!

What's new with Coen?  Well, he pulls up on everything, sits down, then pulls back up.  He cruises along the furniture, toys, anything he can get his hands on.  He loves balls and throws them everywhere.  You could probably find about 10 under our couches at any given time.  Coen babbles a lot now, and I can't decide if he has said his first word or not.  He says what sounds like "ball" a lot, but I am not sure if he is really referring to a ball.  Coen likes to say "whoa" a lot, and I think it is the cutest thing.  He also says "mama" a lot, but hasn't yet reached for me and said it.  I may melt when he does......

This boy can eat!  Oh my!  I fear the teenage years.  As soon as he sees me in the kitchen, he screams until I feed him.  This month he tried pork, turkey, ground beef, broccoli, spaghetti, grapes, strawberries, yogurt.  Pretty much now he eats whatever we eat for dinner, with a few exceptions.  I use a food mill usually to make it a better consistency for him, especially the meat and anything with skin (like zucchini), since Coen still only has two teeth.  I was able to successfully wean him off the lunchtime nursing session, right when I went back to work.  I was really nervous about it, because being engorged brings back bad memories.  But I wasn't, which leads me to believe it was the right time and he wasn't drinking much anyway.  I had hoped to still give him a bottle of frozen breastmilk while I was at work, since I still have so much to use up, but he refused the bottle.  Typical boy, got used to the real thing.  So we moved to sippy cups, and after trying a few kinds, he took to these:

I got these at my baby shower for Sierra and never used them.  Fitting that they are rainbow colored for our little rainbow!

I was worried I was going to have to throw away an entire freezer full of frozen breastmilk, but lately Coen seems to be drinking it with his food.  I still have a lot to use, so he gets cereal with breastmilk for breakfast every morning.  I still nurse him 3 times a day, and it seems to still be going well. 

Coen's favorite toys are the shape sorter, anything with balls to throw, and his shopping cart.  He pushes it around and it reminds me so much of Sierra at this age.

Coen is wearing size 12 month clothes.  I buy ahead and last year bought mostly 18 months because I didn't think 12 months would last all winter.  Well, they are huge!  Hoping he grows soon, but we do have enough 12 months fall clothes to get by.  I just don't think they are going to last long.  According to my scale, he is 21.5 pounds and 29 inches tall.  I really need to get him out of his infant carseat!!!

A lot of random thoughts tonight, but I'm tired and fighting the same cold Coen has.  Here is our little man on his 11 month "birthday" - I can't believe there is only one empty space left in his first year frame!

He loves to go in his big sister's room, and play with her doll crib.  LOL this will be a good one when he is older!

Weather = Flashbacks

All week I've been complaining about the weather.  When you work in schools without air conditioning, you watch the weather closely.  And when you see days of almost 90 plus 80% humidity, you want to cry.  It's awful!

That was pretty much this entire work week for me.  Except Tuesday, that day the building I work in is air conditioned.  Let me tell you, it makes a huge difference in how you feel at the end of the day.  The heat drains you and makes you feel dirty and gross.  Honestly, I am not sure why I bother to shower before work on those hot days.  Thursday, when I walked in the building, it was so hot I wanted to turn around and go back home.  I wasn't sure I would make it a whole day in that heat.  I guess my body got used to it, because I did, but there were moments when I felt sick.

There are two very pregnant teachers in my building.  Interestingly enough, one is due around Adelyn's birthday and the other around Coen's.  Seeing them is kind of taking me back, as I have been pregnant this time of year for the past two years.  It's sort of strange to not be, and sometimes I get sad about it.  Crazy, right - being how hot it is?

I do feel so bad for the pregnant teachers, as I  know just how awful it is.  It was this hot when I was pregnant with Adelyn, and I worked past my due date!  But, it wasn't until another teacher brought up how awful it must be and how bad she felt for them, that it bothered me.  The teacher that made the comment is the sweetest person - in fact, she had even asked me the day before how I was doing, since this is a difficult month for me.  So I know it has nothing to do with her.

I just started thinking - and getting angry.  What about me?  I went through the same exact thing two years ago, and my baby died.  All that for a dead baby.  At least their babies probably won't die.  But I did it, went through the same thing, for nothing.  I couldn't stop being mad about it.  I'm having a very hard time sympathizing with anyone lately.  I don't like that.

Today, the heat finally broke.  Figures, it's a Saturday!  But with the cooler weather, came rain.  I could feel a bad day coming, and the rain always makes it harder to stay upbeat.  I was at the computer, listening to a song from someone's blog that really hit my emotions, and I looked over and saw Coen sort of dancing.  It made me smile - and it was one of those very bittersweet moments.  My heart was hurting so badly for Adelyn, but at the same time it was bursting with love and joy for Coen.

And then I looked out the window, and saw the rain.  In that moment, it was October 2010 again.  I could vividly remember laying in my bed, on a dreary morning, and hearing car doors shutting, little kids talking, parents happily dropping their kids off at my neighbor's house.  Their lives went on like nothing happened, but mine would never be the same. 

After that, my day was never the same.  I was useless, and wanted to mope the rest of the day.  I had a lump in my throat all day, and the Adelyn-sized hole in my heart felt a lot bigger than usual.

Silly me for thinking I could sail right through September this year.  Silly, silly me.  This month is just so bittersweet.  I thought it would be less bittersweet than last year, but it's not.  It's like my heart is being pulled in two totally opposite directions. First we have the anniversary of the saddest day of my life.  Then 11 short days later, the anniversary of probably the best day of my life, the happiest I had ever been since that saddest day happened.

It's a lot to handle, even after another year has passed.  I guess I better get used to it. 

Shopping and September

Today I was searching on Etsy for a gift for my cousin's baby's baptism.  She is the first girl to be born in the family since Adelyn.  For some reason, I decided that since I don't have a baby girl to shop for, that I was going to shop for hers. 

Just last week, I was at the Carter's Outlet and saw all these adorable baby girl tutu skirts and outfits, and I wanted to buy them.  It makes me sad that Sierra is too old for them, and that I never got to buy them for Adelyn.  Maybe it's the fact that she would be too old for the baby stuff now also, or maybe it's just time and acceptance that I will never have another baby girl of my own to shop for - but it really surprised me that  I decided I wanted to shop for someone else's baby girl.  Don't get me wrong, it still hurts my heart some to see all that cute stuff that I can't use for my own daughters.  But it's a big step for me to want to buy it for someone else's baby, and not feel insanely jealous at the thought.  I think that pang of jealously will always hit when I think of someone else getting to keep their baby girl.

Anyway, at first I thought about going back to Carter's to pick something ultra cute and girly out, as soon as we got the baptism invite.  Then the idea of a hair bow holder came to me.  I love the one we got for Sierra, and it's not something people think to buy.  Plus, since they didn't know their baby was a girl, her room is neutral/boyish looking (as it belonged to her big brother first) and needs some "girly-ing" up. 

First stop for something like this - Etsy!  As soon as I typed in "hair bow headband holder" - on the very first page of results, this came up:

I think my heart skipped a beat, fell down into my stomach or something.  I know I had to catch my breath.  This is the first time I had ever seen her name on something, spelled the same way.

It was EXACTLY what I was looking for.  I know babies use the headbands more and so she would need to have a place to hang those, and I had wanted something with her name on it too.  To me this was a sign I should just order this one, with a few changes.  I'm having a hard time deciding, but I keep going back to this one.

Seeing her name like that, today - on September 1st, the first day of her month, was like a sign from her.  "Hey mom, don't forget about me, it's my birthday month."  As if I could ever!  I have been searching everywhere for a pink aster flower to plant in her garden, since the aster is September's birth flower.  Not easy to find, especially when you have no time to look!  I think I found it online, and it should ship mid September and arrive by Adelyn's birthday so we can plant it then.

Hard to believe in 28 days our girl would be turning 2, or that it's been two years since I heard her heartbeat or felt her move inside me.  I just miss her so much, and I miss so much of the person I used to be as well.  Love you, baby girl!