Monday, June 4, 2012

A Rainbow Kind of Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday.  It was infinitely better than last year's birthday.  Last year, I just wanted to be alone and was on the verge of tears all day long.  Not really sure why.....I guess a combination of things.

We celebrated Saturday night, with dinner New Mexico style, homemade by my husband.  I enjoyed some company from my brother, sister-in-law and niece and nephew.  I even had my first margarita in.....2 years maybe?  I've been pregnant or nursing for so long I can't remember.  I am still nursing, so I only had one because I still needed to feed Coen before he went to bed for the night, but that was enough.

Right as we were eating and then getting ready for cake, it started pouring outside.  Then it stopped.  I heard my phone go off for a text, so I checked it and my cousin had sent me a picture of a rainbow that said "made me think of you guys."  I looked outside to find a faint rainbow, took a picture of it, and continued on.  Then a few minutes later, my husband said there was another rainbow, this one took our breath away.  A double rainbow!

Rainbows always  make me smile.  Not only do they remind me of Coen, our rainbow baby, and the idea of beauty that can only be seen after a storm, but they also remind me of Adelyn.  Last year, right around this time, I was watching American Idol and someone sang "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry.  I never heard it before, because I don't really like country, but the lyrics instantly spoke to me.  "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors."  And so rainbows make me feel like Adelyn is shining down on  me from heaven.  The double rainbow is even more for each of them!

I couldn't help but think that she sent me this rainbow to say happy birthday, a day early.

Sunday was my actual birthday, and we spent part of it at my neighbor's 7th birthday -we share a birthday!  It was nice talking to the other ladies and relaxing.  At one point, we were all sitting on the porch and Coen was playing on the blanket on the ground.  Also on the porch were the two little girls who were born after Adelyn - one is 3 months younger and the other 6 months younger than what Adelyn would be.  When I see the two of them together, I always think there should be a third.  It always makes me wonder what could have been.  I remember worrying that I would never be able to handle seeing these girls grow up, because it would remind me of what I missed out on.  It does, but somehow I am ok with it.  I think having Coen plays a big role in that, the other reason is time - I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a little girl that age right now.  I just hold Coen a bit tighter when they are around, I think.  One of those little girls will be moving shortly.  Last year, I was glad that they would be moving so I wouldn't have to deal with her (they are/were a military family so knew they would have to move this year awhile ago).  And now, strangely enough, I am quite sad that I won't get to watch her grow up.....they are a really, really amazing family.

My parents came over on my birthday to cook me dinner.  Wouldn't you know that right when we were about to have cake, it began raining.  A few minutes later, another rainbow!

If that wasn't a sign from her, two days in a row, both the days we were celebrating my birthday, I don't know what is.  Losing Adelyn totally made me a believer in signs.  Whether they really are or not, who knows, but believing helps me cope with her not being here.

It so happened that my husband picked out Sierra's outfit for the day.  I rarely let him, because I like to, but when he walked out with this dress, I couldn't object.  Later that night, after the rainbow appeared again, I had to change Coen into one of his rainbow onesies from his godmother to take their picture together.  After a weekend full of rainbows, I couldn't resist.

And, just to show a typical sister/brother moment.....

Some days it's still hard to believe that I have two living, breathing children who can experience these kinds of moments.

All in all, it was a good birthday.  The only way it could have been better would have been for all three of my  kids to be sitting on the floor together.......but that is one birthday wish that can never come true.


Rhiannon said...

Happy belated birthday. I am glad that you were able to find some moments of peace as you felt Adelyn close to your heart. Harper made me a big believer in signs, too and for the same reason. I love the pics of Sierra and Coen all "rainbowed" up :)

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