Thursday, May 31, 2012


Today I ran to Walmart after work before picking the kids up.  I had to return an iron and wanted to get new sand for the sand box.  Our lid blew off in a storm on a result the sand was full of water and bugs.  Sierra said it looked like peanut butter....

There is a woman that I used to work with at a grocery store when I was in college, who now works at the Walmart I shop at.  I really liked her, and so the first time I saw her we caught up.  I think Sierra was just a baby or maybe 1.  I am positive I saw her when I was pregnant with Adelyn as well.  I would always pick her line when she was working.

Then after Adelyn died, I avoided her.  I was afraid.....I couldn't remember if she knew I was pregnant and if she did, I was sure she didn't know my baby died.  That situation has got to be one I worry about, how awkward and uncomfortable would that be.

Today this woman was working in the garden area, and our eyes met.  So I walked over to ask her where to find the sand.  We talked for a little bit, and she said something along the lines of "Oh you have another baby now, right?  You have two, two little girls right?"

Awkward silence.....and then I blurted out, "No we had a little boy."


In more ways than one.

Because it reminded me of what I thought was going to be, of what could have been, but isn't.

Because I lied.

Because I didn't acknowledge that I did have another little girl, that I DO have two girls.

Because I answered yes that I have 2 kids.

What was I supposed to do?  Say oh yes, we did have another little girl but she died and then we had a little boy.  It just doesn't seem right, I just can't yet bring this up in casual conversation.  I want to talk about her openly, I want to acknowledge her.....heck, moments like these are a rare chance to actually talk about her.

But I just can't......

Maybe it will come in time.  I hope. 


TanaLee Davis said...

This sounds like an awkward moment.. I have an idea that you can say, "Yes, I did have a little girl and I just had a son." I don't know, you could still tell about adelyn but just leave out that she passed in that particular case...being a BLM is sooo hard...why can't it be easier huh? Well hugs to you-

KrystalK said...

It will never be right, because there is nothing "right" about our daughters dying.
I have done this already too and i feel like shit for it. so i will continue bringing up Stella weather people like it or not. Because *I* feel better about it. Its hard.
Sometimes though, through talking about Stella, Ive met people who have also lost and they get the chance to share their story and child/ren to someone who knows and cares. I bartend at a resturant, so I am ALWAYS talking to people and sharing Stella. ((((((hugs))))))

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