May 7th

Two years ago today:

I tried not to remember.  I mean, I always remember the date of May 7th is when we found out Adelyn was in fact a girl.  But I almost forgot that date was coming up, until yesterday.  I can't remember what reminded me, but it did.

I don't want to think back to that day.  It's a painfully happy memory.  How can that be?  It was one of the happiest days of my life, but looking back and knowing what would eventually happen, it hurts to think how happy I was.  If that makes sense.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  I took a half day off work and left Sierra at the baby-sitter's house, since my appointment wasn't until 2 or so.  It was a Friday, and a beautiful day.  The hospital was running late, of course, and I was anxious.  They tell you to drink and not pee, but after 45 minutes of waiting I said forget it and went to the bathroom.  Finally they called us back, and one of the first things the tech asked was if we wanted to know the gender if she could see it.  We were still undecided, since we did not find out the first time, at my insistence.  I said I would leave it up to Trevor, since I decided not to find out with Sierra.  But I secretly wanted to know!  I really didn't care either way, I figured it was a win-win situation - a boy and we had "one of each" (Ha can't believe I thought that when I so hate those words nowadays), or another girl and Sierra could have a sister to grow up with.  I don't have a sister, but wish I did because sister have a special bond.  Early in the pregnancy, I thought Adelyn was going to be a boy because there had been tons of girls born around us.  As time went on, deep down I really started thinking more and more that she was a girl.  And to be honest, even though I didn't really care either way, I think I leaned more towards hoping it was another girl.  I just loved having a little girl, it was what I knew, and we had SO many girl clothes and toys.  Plus I wanted to do the matching dress thing.

So it wasn't but 2 minutes when the tech got a shot and I knew it was another girl.  Then she said, "it looks like another little girl."  Trevor said he knew it!  I think I instantly started daydreaming of matching dresses, pink, and sisters.  The hopes and dreams began from that moment on.  I was smiling, so incredibly happy, almost unable to believe that this was my life.  How could I be so lucky?

On the way home,  I was smiling from ear to ear.  My friend called to ask how it went and wanted to know if we decided to find out the gender or not.  She guessed a girl.  Then we told my mom, who was excited.  We went to pick up Sierra and all the neighbors were out and we got to tell them it was a girl too.  It was different, since with Sierra we didn't know.  That night, we had a retirement party for my aunt and we told everyone there.  I remember her saying that I should have two little girls - I think because Sierra was always dressed up in cute girly stuff.

How can that have been two years ago?  I remember it so clearly, but yet sometimes I feel like it didn't really ever happen.  I'm not sure what to think, going through all these dates a second time.  It is certainly gentler this year.  But part of me feels so disconnected and distant from her.  It feels like she is slipping away again, the memories are still so clear though.

It's been two years since those hopes and dreams started, and although I am dealing better and better, I don't believe I will ever fully recover from having those dreams.  From that day forward, I feel like my life changed. The excitement and pure joy and the start of all these hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled. To me, it's harder to have had them dangled in front of me, so close I could actually touch it for a second, but then all of a sudden they are snatched away.