Triggers

Lately, I can't seem to stop reliving, thinking about the past. Random things have really triggered me. Today Sierra and I ran over to the outlets and as we were walking in, "her" song was playing. For some reason, I got the biggest feeling of deja vu. The day Adelyn was born, Sierra and I went to the outlets right before I went into labor. And so I started thinking about that. Then earlier this week, I was typing an e-mail to a friend who goes to the same group of doctors as me and is also pregnant. I was talking about how much I liked the doctor who delivered Adelyn, even though I had never met her until the day I arrived at the hospital in labor because she was new and was never at the office when I needed appointments in the last month or two of my pregnancy. And just typing that, totally made me relive that day. And as I am typing it now, I am thinking about it again. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach.

And this is why I care so much about having another natural childbirth. I am so sick of people telling me that it won't matter how the baby gets here, as long as s/he is healthy. That I won't care after it's over with.

What they don't realize is that maybe that will be true, maybe not. I'm more complicated than your average mother to be. That being said, it does NOT ease my tension and worry for the next 7 weeks. It consumes my mind, my fear of being cut open and recovery afterwards. Along with other emotional issues that come along with that - if I was going to have a c-section, then I should have done it last time and probably my baby would have lived. Why did SHE have to die, so that I could just go and have a c-section the next time? Does that even make sense? But then I feel guilty towards rainbow baby, because if Adelyn hadn't died, s/he would probably not be growing in my belly.

Another, bigger reason I so desire a natural birth is because I NEED to relive childbirth with a happy ending. I really don't want my last experience of labor and giving birth to be such a sad, heartbreaking one. I guess I hope that having a successful labor and delivery will help "erase" a bit of the scars from Adelyn's birth. I know it will never go away completely. But it would be the most recent experience in my head, the freshest. A c-section is a totally different experience, and while for some having the complete opposite experience is easier for them, that is not me. I want exactly the same one, but a living baby at the end.

I keep getting my hopes up that baby has turned. It's amazing what just thinking that maybe it happened does for my mood - I feel such a huge weight off my shoulders, at least for those short moments. And then I realize that nope, I'm pretty sure that is still the head up there. And it's a downward spiral.

Pregnancy hormones are killing me right now. I'm so cranky, I can barely even stand myself! Ugh. I guess it's a good thing I am not going back to work or else all the kids would probably complain about how mean I am! Poor Sierra as well, my patience is so lacking with her right now. She really has been through so much the past two years, with a pregnant and hormonal mother or a grieving mother for most of that time. I think she and my husband both deserve some sort of prize for living with me. Oh, and I know just what that prize can be - the labor and delivery story that I want ending with a screaming, healthy baby. Please?