Friday, August 5, 2011

Father Daughter Moments

I should be sleeping, but I can't. Not because of the pregnancy. I really haven't had problems sleeping because of that - yet. But maybe I won't. Maybe one thing will be easy about this pregnancy.

I can't sleep because I was watching one of my favorite shows tonight. I didn't get to start it until late because Sierra wanted me to lay with her again tonight. She fell asleep with me laying next to her for the 2nd night in a row. She was cuddling her favorite doll while I cuddled her. Ah, I love that kid. She is such a mommy's girl lately. It's all about mommy and she wants nothing to do with daddy. I guess because I am with her so much more than him, but you'd think she would be sick of me!

But anyway - I wanted to see who made the finale of So You Think You Can Dance, so I decided I would finish last night's episode before watching tonight's and find out. I couldn't wait, and to be honest I always seem to get my second wind. And then one of those unexpected moments hit me - HARD. One of the final three girls was performing and they showed her dad in the audience. I think they talked to each of the contestants parent(s) during this episode. This dad was all emotional and said, "I wish all fathers could experience this. It's such an amazing feeling." Or something similar to that. And in that moment, my mind flashed to my husband and Adelyn and how he will never get to do that. Usually when I think of the moments we are missing, it is more of the girly stuff that moms love to do that I think of, and of course the sister stuff. I have thought about father/daughter stuff when it comes to weddings, but otherwise I really hadn't thought of it. Until tonight. I know that we do have another daughter that we will get to sit in the audience during a dance recital or play or some sort of event she is in and be so proud of her. But what if......what if Adelyn would have/could have been the one to be on a show like that? I guess we will never know.

But now I have to wonder - will those moments we DO get to cherish and experience with Sierra always be bittersweet? Am I going to think of Adelyn and how we don't get to do these things with her too? On Sierra's wedding day, am I going to look at her maid of honor and think that should be Adelyn? I guess time will tell.

I just miss her so much lately. I'm not sure exactly what has triggered it, but I feel like I took quite a few steps backward in my grief over the past few days. Maybe it's anxiety about this pregnancy, maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's watching Sierra grow and learn and enjoying those moments so much and wishing I could have them again with my other daughter. I have a doctor's apointment tomorrow, and that usually stirs a lot of this up, but typically not till afterwards. So I'm a bit nervous about how it is going to go.

For now, I guess I should try to get some sleep in case Sierra decides to get up early tomorrow. I have lots to do and need not be tired. However, I haven't been very productive lately. I just really want to sit around and mope.


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