Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Since Adelyn died, I have felt like anything else that could happen to make life harder - happened. Let's see....every single baby born to a teacher or employee in the district I work was a girl. A neighbor had a baby girl, one of the mom's at Sierra's baby-sitter had a girl. My baby was breech again. Sierra was still having potty training issues. Just what I needed on top of everything else!

One thing that was super difficult for me that I never blogged about was when I found out my brother and sister-in-law were expecting their second child. This should have been a happy occasion. Instead, I was in tears for days. I was supposed to be next, not them. It had only been four months since Adelyn died, but I was frustrated that I wasn't pregnant again and they were. It didn't seem like the people I thought should understand, did. Many of the friends that I go to to talk about Adelyn and all the things that are difficult for me because she died, understood though. Mostly their reactions were the same, "I'm sorry." Which is what I wanted to hear - not congratulations like I should have heard and wanted to hear.

But, what do you know that two days later I figured out that I was also pregnant. I'm thinking those hormones made my reaction a bit worse. So then I started to worry - what if they had another girl and I didn't? They already had one daughter, and hearing of anyone having their 2nd daughter is probably the hardest for me. That's what I was going to have - two daughters, but my second daughter didn't make it. And so no matter who it is, my first reaction to someone having a second girl is jealously and usually tears. I hope someday that will change, because I don't like it. Some people I can avoid, or not really have to see if I chose not to, until or if I am ready to. But not my brother - I would have to face it, and I wasn't sure I was strong enough to stare at two little girls doing the things together that my two little girls would never get to do.

I continued to worry and pray that they would have a boy. I wanted a nephew, we needed a boy in the family and I wanted someone to carry on my maiden name. I was almost afraid to wish for a boy though, because it seemed lately that no matter what I wished for, the opposite would happen.

And so, on August 9th, FINALLY something I wished for came true. I have a perfect, healthy nephew. I really needed that. I hope the tides are turning (and that my baby is turning too!).

In addition to that, I feel like Sierra finally understands that there is a baby in my belly - a different baby. Sometimes she is still confused. But she talks to the baby now in this sweet little voice - "Hi little baby. I love you little baby." And then touches my belly so gently and kisses it. It's amazing what a difference a year makes in the life of a toddler. She never did that when I was pregnant with Adelyn. Sometimes she asks what the baby is doing in there. And then she will say "Mommy, I think the baby wants to come out now." I think she can't wait.

I never expected this question though. Over breakfast the day after my nephew was born, she looked at me and said "But how is the baby going to get out of your belly? There's no door." Hmmmm. How to explain that? I just told her the doctors have to help and she was happy with that.......for now.

Ahhh, 3 year olds. Not sure where I would be without mine, that's for sure. Always a good laugh or sweet moment to be had with them.


lissasue3 said...

I told my three year old that I had to push her out like poop. She accepted that. It's funny how children ask how the baby gets out before asking how the baby got there in the first place. That didn't happen until recently and was a lot harder to explain!

Rhiannon said...

Glad that you got some good news. Keeping my fingers crossed that Sierra and Adelyn have a baby sister on the way :)

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