9 Months

I have to admit I was kind of dreading the 9 month mark. That means she has been gone as long as she was alive inside me. Well, I guess we still have a week until that time comes, since she was born a week past her due date. But still. How can it be 9 months already?

I am not sure if I wrote in my blog about holding my first baby since Adelyn - I think I was so busy getting used to summer that I didn't blog for awhile! Anyway, I think I decided that the first baby I wanted to hold was the first baby I had been excited about being born since Adelyn - baby Andrew, as he is referred to in our house by Sierra. He was about 6 weeks old when I held him. I didn't hesitate at all, actually. It felt good. Of course, boys have been easier for me to deal with since day 1. I never feel as much sadness when I see a baby boy, no matter how cute, because that's not what I was supposed to have. Seeing girls with bows in their hair (or on their head since most don't have much hair, lol) - well it still hurts. Probably always will.

Since baby girls are always harder for me, I needed to wait for just the right one to hold for the first time. I think I decided a while back who that baby was. First I thought maybe my neighbor's daughter, who had been so hard for me to deal with at first. In fact, right after I held baby Andrew, she was out and I almost wanted to reach out and hold her. But I knew I needed to wait for Adelena. She was born on my dad's birthday (November 15th) 3 months too soon. I was shocked when I saw she was born, I didn't know what happened, but I was so worried for her and her family that even though it was only about 6 weeks after Adelyn died and things dealing with babies were SO hard (again especially girls), my heart didn't sink for myself and what I was missing. It sunk and worried for that baby and her family, hoping they would not have to go through what we did. This little girl thrived and made it - a fighter. I truly believe my Adelyn played a role in it. Adelena's mom is someone I worked with way back in college, who happens to work with my mom now (well in the same school district), and who I have become better friends with due to our daughters (and Facebook, too - lol). With a name so similar to Adelyn's, a story so inspiring, and her birthday being dear to me, I knew she was the one. And we had finally scheduled a "playdate" and it happened to fall on Adelyn's 9 month mark. So it was perfect. I really didn't hesitate at all to hold her. She's 7.5 months and only about 15 pounds, so she's tiny but not a newborn so that made it easier. The way her mommy dresses her and always has matching flowers or bows in her "hair" does sometimes make me long to do those things with my baby girl, but for the most part I just feel like she is a miracle baby. I held her a couple times and once she feel asleep in my arms. I looked at that little face and for some rare moments, felt peace and happiness with a baby in my arms. Like maybe I can do this again.

Here are some pictures from our playdate. Sierra LOVED helping with Adelena and talked about her for the rest of the day. We made stepping stones today, one with Sierra's handprints and one for Adelyn.



I don't really have much else to say today. Except that I'm glad blogger finally let me post this - it was all messed up! And that I love and miss you, baby girl, more with each passing day. 9 months closer to seeing you again.

Days Like These

Today was one of those days that I wish would never end. Sierra had a good day, not a perfect day, but let's face it, perfect doesn't exist! It was a struggle to get up and out the door to gymnastics class, as usual. But once she got there, she had fun. She made friends with the one boy in her class - I think I'm in for it later on! It's so fun to watch her learn new things. I kept hearing the teacher call her name because she didn't want to wait her turn on the trampoline and kept getting up and jumping when she was suposed to be sitting, waiting!

We ran some errands after gymmastics class. She was good for the most part. She is at that age where she wants everything. Today she spotted a beauty shop chair for baby dolls and she asked if she could have it so her babies could get haircuts. Too cute. Right now, my response is usually "Well you have enough toys right now. Maybe Santa can bring it for Christmas." She is content with that, for now!

We came home and had lunch and then she took her nap without any struggles. Well, except she refused to go to the potty before hand. Sigh. Maybe she will be fully potty trained by Kindergarten? She's definitely made some progress, but she still isn't quite there yet.

After her nap, she watched Dora Super Babies episodes (her favorite) while I finished cleaning. When they were over, she grabbed her favorite baby doll "Rosie" and put her in the doll high chair by her play kitchen. Then she started to make dinner for her. Then she was feeding her and I helped her clear off her little table so she could have a little meal, too. She sat and was feeding Rosie.

She told me, "Rosie doesn't want to eat her dinner." I asked her why not. She said I guess she doesn't want desert. Oh my gosh, that's exactly what we say to her. Too funny.

Then after she was done with this, she grabbed Rosie and put her in her shopping cart. She got her little purse and packed a snack for Rosie (a pancake?? lol) and went "shopping." I heard her say, "No more toys" (must have heard me say it every time we are out). Then she started putting things in the cart - Rosie needed new shoes, some food. Then she said she was done shopping for Rosie and was going to shop for herself. Midway through her little shopping trip, she stopped, unzipped her purse, and got out the pancake and gave it to Rosie.

Finally it was time for us to eat dinner. Sierra ate the rest of her grilled cheese from lunch because I figured she wouldn't eat the salmon salad we ate. Rosie sat at the table with her and continued eating her pancake!

After dinner we went outside and hung out with some neighbors. Sierra played on her swingset and the neighbor's. Rosie went down the slide a few times also. Before she would get in bed, I had to help her change Rosie's clothes into pajamas!! Then she put her in the doll crib, covered her with blankets, and turned on the mini mobile. This is a nightly routine almost. Some nights she even gives her a "bath" - as in a pretend one in her doll bathtub without water, since Rosie has a cloth body and can't get wet.

I almost completely forgot about my sadness today and just enjoyed watching Sierra play. It was so adorable, like she was reenacting our day. And to hear her say the things I say all the time is so cute. I wondered if Adelyn was here with us, if I would appreciate all this as much? I wonder if I would be too busy to sit and watch Sierra? I'll never know. I do know that watching her play baby dolls a lot of the time, makes me wish so much that she had her sister here to play with, to help dress and give baths. And then in a few years, to play dolls with her sister. But today, the joy of watching her play and knowing exactly where she got the baby trait from (I was exactly the same way as a child) outweighed any sort of sadness. As I watched her today, I just smiled and thought "I seriously can't stand how cute my kid is!" I couldn't love anyone more.........

Anniversary

I didn't find the time to post on our actual anniversary, or the day after, so here goes.

7 years ago on June 25th:





We said "I do" on the beach at Laguna Beach, with just the two of us - and Nicco our dog of course!

6 years ago, we took those same vows in the church in front of our family and friends. Unfortunately, Nicco didn't attend this one, but he did drive from New Mexico to PA with us!






This has certainly been our most trying year of marriage yet, and we are still standing. I am reminded of this, that was read at our wedding:

1 Corinthians 12:31-13:8

Be ambitious for the higher gifts. And I am going to show you a way that is better than any of them. If I have all the eloquence of men or of angels, but speak without love, I am simply a gong booming or a cymbal clashing. If I have the gift of prophecy, understanding all the mysteries there are, and knowing everything, and if I have faith in all its fullness, to move mountains, but without love, then I am nothing at all. If I give away all that I possess, piece by piece and if I even let them take my body to burn it, but am without love, it will do me no good whatever. Love is always patient and kind; it is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.

And this:
Mark 10:6-9

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Summer

It's summer, which means no work for me. Somehow I seem to have LESS time. Hmmm. I guess I am better at time management when I have less time?

Random thoughts - my cousin said to me the other day "Everyone has their cross to bear. Unfortunately, yours is one of the biggest ones." Which is so true. It just continues to be so hard, to weigh down on me. Despite the loss of my baby girl and a couple other things going on right now, I truly would like to freeze time right now. Because it's summer, and.........

-No alarm clocks! Many mornings I wake up to the patter of footsteps running down the hall, the sounds of "MOMMY!" and a sweet face appearing next to my bed. Other mornings, I wake up on my own terms and get a few minutes of alone time before miss Sierra wakes up. I love it!

-I get to stay up till 12 and sleep till 8 every day. That is my perfect schedule, the one that my body chooses when it gets to.

-I spend the days taking Sierra to gymnastics class, soon dance class also, play dates with friends, talking to neighbors. This is the life!

-I live in a world of baby dolls, princesses, Dora......and I love it. She can stay just like this forever if you ask me. So much fun to play all this stuff with her, or even just to sit and watch her. She has complete conversations with all the people, Dora, the twins, etc. It is adorable and heartwarming.

-Spending so much time with my girl just leads to that bond that I never thought could grow closer, to do just that. Sometimes at night when her daddy tries to give her a bath or brush her teeth, she yells "NO I want Mommy!" Even though I may be exhausted and could use a break, inside I am secretly happy. She's a mommy's girl :)

-Sierra loves to run errands with me and we have plenty of time to shop for bargains!

-But the best part is, I get to do all this stuff and I STILL get a paycheck. Can it really get better than that? Of course, it could, if I got to do all these things with both of my daughters, but that isn't going to ever happen unfortunately. So as good as life seems to get, there is always that thought that gives me a reality check. I just miss her more and more every single day. Most people probably wouldn't even realize, they think I am "better." I'm not, I'm just better at dealing with it, hiding how much I long to hold her again. I love and miss you baby girl, more than I did almost 9 months ago.

Happy? Birthday to Me

So my last blog post I asked "what else?" Well, here's what else.......

Today is my birthday. I can't say it was "happy" - I spent the day writing progress notes at work, which has got to be my least favorite part of the job. I did somehow finish them all. I'm not sure of the quality of them, I wrote the bare minimum because for some reason today I was just in a rotten mood.

Sierra has pink eye. She HATES the eye drops. She screamed as we tried to put them in, we had to basically sit on her and force them in and that made me so upset. Plus both hubby and I got so frustrated, I think the container got thrown across the room a few times. I hope no drops escaped because it doesn't seem like there are very many in the dropper! The only good thing about this ordeal was Sierra really wanted to cuddle with me afterwards.

Checking my e-mail tonight - which was nicely overloaded with Facebook notifications - I came across ANOTHER e-mail from Similac. I hadn't received one in months. I got one last month and I called and flat out told them "Take me off your list. My baby died." The lady was like "Oh I'm sorry. Can you hold?" Then came back, apologized, and said I was off the list. Nope. The subject of the e-mail today: "Your independent 9-month-old: When to say "no." I wish I was dealing with that. Why did they have to send it to me, ON MY BIRTHDAY! How do they always seem to know the exact wrong picture or day to send one of these?

The highlight of my day would have to be going to Sarris (maker of the BEST chocolate ever) for ice cream. For some reason on the car ride home, Sierra started talking about Adelyn. She was singing her own made up song at first, but then it turned into happy birthday. Except instead of singing happy birthday to me, she sang it to Adelyn and then was talking about a birthday cake for her. Sigh. We'll never get to REALLY sing it to her, although I do think we will get a cake on her birthday and sing happy birthday anyway.

I am really ready for this LOOOOOONG stretch of bad days to end. I knew I was due for some bad days, I had been doing really well. But this is getting ridiculous. I want out of this funk, this overwhelming sadness needs to go away. I just can't seem to get it to, no matter what I try.

Tune in for a more positive post, coming soon (I sure hope anyway).

What Else?

I'm trying to be more positive, but over the past two weeks or so, I kind of feel like what else? What else, God, can you throw at me? I feel like I just need to vent a bit so bear with me.

On Thursday I noticed my dog would not stop licking his back leg. I ran out and bought wrap to put on it and when I came home Friday, he had licked/ripped through it. So I called the vet to make an appointment for him, since he was due for his check up this month anyway. They did not have one until Tuesday. Great. So, since Friday, he has been wearing this:

I feel so bad for him, but at the same time I'm greatly annoyed because he bangs into everything with that on his head. He has a hard time going up and down the steps and actually fell trying to go up them once. I freaked out and Sierra was very upset too. But the moment I take it off, he licks it again. Ahhhh.

This week my husband was sick and you know how that goes. He has a bad cold, but well, he may die. Sorry to sound so inconsiderate, but I'm annoyed. He kept me up all night by sighing and coughing and blowing his nose. Every single word out of his mouth is about how horrible he feels. I do feel bad because this is the busiest weeek of the year for him and the worst time for him to get sick - year end at his work. But hearing over and over about how bad he feels and the constant sighing. I got little sympathy when I felt bad last week.

Yesterday it was 95 degrees here and the school I work at on Tuesdays has no air conditioning. We had 3 meetings in this little room, lots of bodies in there, one small window with little air moving, and a projector giving off more heat. I really felt like I was going to pass out a few times. Then I forget that after my usual work day, I had to run to another building for a mandatory after school professional development. This building doesn't have air either. The worst part is my dog was supposed to go to the vet, but due to having to work later I cancelled the appointment. Well, I rushed over to the meeting and it was over by 3:20, so I probalby could have made it to the vet appointment at 3:45. Now my dog has to wait until tomorrow - which is longer for him to drive me crazy with his halo thing!!

Today we had a speech department meeting and I didn't get home from work till right at 4:30, which is when I am supposed to pick Sierra up by. I didn't see any other parents' cars in the driveway and it was about 4:35. I figured they had already picked their kids up, so I headed over. I wasn't expecting to see the baby-sitter holding the 2 month old baby girl in her arms. I thought she was gone already or I would have waited, because even though I didn't get a good glimpse of her face, the pink sun hat was enough to remind me of what I am missing........again. I felt so uncomfortable, grabbed Sierra who didn't want to leave, but thankfully our 11 year old neighbor was there and she helped get her ready for me and walked her home, which made Sierra want to come home because she LOVES her.

I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and cranky and hormonal and have exploded on both Sierra and my husband tonight. I just need a break. When do I get to stop accomodating everyone else - I just want to pick my kid up without feeling uncomfortable. I don't think that's too much to ask. Why can't someone else accomodate me for once - I'm the one whose baby died. Why do I have to sit around and wait for her to leave, or watch out my door like a crazy stalker to check if her kids are gone? Why can't she pick her kids up a bit earlier and be gone by 4:30 so I am able to chat with the baby-sitter without my heart racing and worrying I am going to melt down any moment? Why? Because I really like to know what my kid did all day - did she eat, sleep, pee her pants? Good day/bad day? Instead I had to race out of there without talking to her baby-sitter. It isn't fair, none of it. I'm so annoyed. I just can't deal with that baby yet, she is too little and it hurts to see her big sister with her because they are almost exactly the same age difference as Sierra and Adelyn. All I can say, is thank goodness there is only 1 week of school left and then I won't really have to deal with it for a long time. Deep down I wish/hope that her mom decides to take the whole year off next year so I don't have to deal with it at all. But stupid me for hoping that - that just means she WILL go back to work because lately, whatever I wish for, the opposite seems to happen.

Sorry for the negativitly, it happens sometimes!