Capture Your Grief Day 3

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait

This is tough.  I have searched and searched and there are VERY few pictures of me.  Partly because I am always the one taking the pictures.  Mostly because I flat out refused to have my picture taken.  I remember being at my grandfather's birthday about 6 weeks after Adelyn died and my aunt tried to take a picture of me.  I told her to please not take any pictures of me because I did not want to remember the worst time of my life.   She gave me a sad look, but didn't try to take my picture again.  I remember that being a very hard day for me and I was on the verge of tears the whole day and cried myself to sleep that night.

Anyway, I chose this picture:

This is the first picture I have of the "new me."  That's the only reason I picked it.  I don't really  have any that capture my pain, and it's probably better that way.  I'd rather not remember it.

October and Capture Your Grief Day 2

I feel like I may be the lone member of the baby loss community to be happy about it being October.  It's another one of those bittersweet months.  Coen was born in October, so it is a good month for us.  But, it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  I find that Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness is easier for me to stomach than Adelyn's birthday.  To me it is more celebrating our babies' memories/lives, a positive experience - vs. September which for me is all about the choices I made and ultimately the death of my much wanted baby girl.

I know things have been a bit negative in my blog land, but honestly the past week was one of the toughest I've had in a long time.  Someone mentioned the Carly Marie Capture Your Grief project to me - I had read about it, but I've been so busy and tired that I hadn't looked into it.  I decided maybe it was time for a change around here, so I looked into it.  You can read about it here: Capture Your Grief.

Day 1 was out - the sunrise on the first day of October.  I'm lucky I get to work on time, let alone have time to take a photo in the morning.  But the rest of the project looks like something I would really like.  I may not have a photo to post for each day, but I certainly can write something about each topic.

So, here goes:
Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait

I searched through lots of pictures from 2010, but this one stuck out as really capturing the "old me."  Interesting that it is me holding two little girls.....and that Sierra is almost 2 here so I am guessing this is what Adelyn would look like right now.  This was the day we told our family that I was pregnant with Adelyn.

September 29, 2012

Written on Adelyn's 2nd birthday in heaven:

Today marks two years since our baby girl was born and two years since she went to heaven.  So hard to believe it has been two years.  It seems like yesterday, yet it seems so long ago.  I never thought I would survive it, the pain was just too great.  That pain still resurfaces from time to time, and when it does it hurts just as much as it did then.  Back then the pain was there every second of every day.

Today didn't go exactly as planned, but these days when does it ever?  Sierra had dance class this morning, so I took her.  My stomach started bothering me while I was there.  I recognized the feeling - I call it "grief stomach."  I can't explain it, but I do know it's exactly how my stomach felt two years ago, for weeks.  I had to force myself to eat.

After dance we stopped at the post office to mail a package to my cousin-in-law who shares a birthday with Adelyn.  I feel bad that it will be late, considering I've had it since Easter!  I planned on taking it Thursday but after my meltdown Wednesday night I never got it ready.  Then I thought I would go Thursday but it rained all day and I just didn't get out.  There is a grocery store right next to it so we got a balloon, more pink icing, and sprinkles at Sierra's request.  The check out lady asked Sierra if it was her birthday.  I cringed thinking I was going to have to tell the story but Sierra just answered no.  I feel bad saying this, but I was relieved.  It's not that I don't want to share her story, but not with a stranger at the store. 

By the time we got home it was time for lunch and my stomach was still feeling yucky.  I was just not in a good mood by then.  So much I wanted to do, so little time.  Sierra and I baked a cake:

She went a little crazy with the sprinkles.  Next year I will buy pink because you can carely see the pink icing!  What a sad looking cake but it sure tasted good and that's what matters!  And that we had fun baking it.

We sent off 2 sky lanterns tonight:

It's sort of ironic to be sending  Happy Birthday and In Memory of at the same time. Such is life when you have a baby in heaven.

The only thing I didn't get to was messing with her garden.  Hopefully the rain stops so we can do it tomorrow before the plants suffer.   It's hard to decide where to put everything, and hubby isn't much help with decisions so my dad is hopefully going to come help tomorrow.

I had a vision of a nice picture of them in front of the new flag a special friend sent for Adelyn's Garden.  This is the best I got.  The shirts were made using parts of an outfit I had bought for Adelyn.  I thought it was a nice way to inclue her.

The grief feeling in my gut was there all day.  I thought about Adelyn a lot today, like I do every day, but I just couldn't allow myself to go back to this day two years ago or look through her memory box.  Too painful right now.

I had a few friends (or so I thought they were friends?) who disappointed me and didn't even mention anything at all.  Now, I certainly don't expect people to remember the exact date, because heck I can hardly remember everyone I know's birthdays.  But there were a few people who were really there for me when Adelyn died, and last year as well on her birthday, who didn't say a thing.  If you are my friend on Facebook, surely you couldn't possibly forget.  All I wanted was a "thinking of you" or something to show me you didn't forget her.  Or when I say something about September being a difficult month, at least validate my feelings, acknowledge the fact that I had a daughter who died.  Instead some change the subject.  Maybe it's me being extra sensitive, but it hurt my feelings.  That being said, I am thankful for the great friends who aren't afraid to ask how I'm doing all month long and who always listen and say the right thing.   

I have to admit I am glad the day is over with.  Hopefully things will go back to our "new normal" now as we move into October.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!  I hope you saw the lanterns we sent up and felt our love today.  We miss you and love you so much.

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Happy Birthday Adelyn! This quote couldn't say it better.

Tears

For awhile now, I have felt like I had tears that needed to come.  Something would happen and it would make me sad, I'd stop and wait for the tears, and they wouldn't come.  It was like I was numb.  It bothered me.  Usually after I cry I feel better, and I knew I needed a good cry.

Well, today it happened.  And of course, something completely unrelated to Adelyn sparked them.   That's how the ugly grief monster goes.

But actually, what looks like it had nothing to do with Adelyn, in fact, may have had everything to do with her.

I've been feeling overwhelmed between adjusting to work, lack of time to do what I want, not enough sleep, housework piling up, etc.  Plus this time of year just brings back so much, no matter how hard I try to not let it.  The weather, the dates, everything.

I'm the type of person that doesn't speak up when something bothers me.  Very often, people, even friends, innocently say things that upset me.  Example, people talking about how hard it is to have three children.  I wouldn't know what it's like to have three kids in my house to care for, but I am sure it's not easy.  But, it can't possibly be harder than parenting two kids on Earth and one in Heaven.  I am positive of that.

Yet, when people say things that hurt my feelings unknowingly, I say nothing.  I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable, but in turn I make myself feel uncomfortable.  I walk away, or if I can't I listen and say nothing.  I go home and vent to my husband or a good friend.  The feelings dwindle with time.

Or so I think.

What really happens, is they are stored.  And stored.  And stored. And in the month of September, there are LOTS of them to be stored.  Everything bothers me more, I get angry very easily, I am overprotective of my children.  Someone does something to my kid, and I could fly off the handle right then and there.  This is something you just can't understand until you lose a child.  Your job as a mother is to protect your child, and you couldn't protect them from death.  You know the pain of losing a child, and it hurts so much you do everything in your power to NEVER let it happen again.  Not that it's in your control.  Your other child lived through losing a sibling and you don't want to ever see them upset.  No mother wants to, but I truly believe it is greatly magnified in a mother who has a child in Heaven.

I'm angry lately.  Very, very angry.  Angry that there was another baby at my cousin's baptism also named Adalyn - why did they get to keep their Adalyn?  I'm angry that 3 baby girls were born to teachers I work with in the last two weeks.  The worst time of year for that.  I'm angry that someone else's second daughter lived and mine didn't.  Of course I am glad for them, but sad for me if that makes sense (I would never wish the death of a baby on anyone).  I'm angry that the doctors let me do a version.  I'm angry that the doctor that delivered Adelyn didn't give me a c-section.  I have no idea if  I had a c-section, the outcome would have been different.  But I'm angry nonetheless.  I'm angry at the hospital for not calling Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I'm angry I don't have pictures of her feet.  I'm angry I don't have any pictures of her in her clothes.  I'm angry that I don't like any of her pictures.

I told you I was angry.  So, where is all this anger?  Well, it's stored in there, waiting for just the right trigger to relese it.

And that's exactly what happened yesterday and into today.  I don't want to use that as an excuse, but I know it's what happened.  I know I've been easily angered lately, I have even told a few friends that I need to stop letting little things bother me.

But when you are 3 days away from the 2nd anniversary of your daughter's death, it's easier said than done.

I just hope that things are going to be ok.  I've been crying all night.  I have a headache from crying, my contacts were stuck to my eyes.  Not a good night.

Hoping I wake up to a better day.  I decided to take the day off from work, a mental health day - and that is the truth.  Sorry for the rant, and negative post, but it's how I feel right now and writing it out makes me feel better.

Overload

I'm on overload.

September is not my month.  For the obvious reason, yes.  But also because it is SO hard to get back in the swing of working again.  I've been back to work for one full month now and finally I don't feel so overwhelmed that I want to run away.  The beginning of the year stuff is SO hard and stressful.  Trying to schedule 60 some students for therapy sessions between 3 different buildings.  Add in the lack of space in all the buildings, so I have to share rooms at 2 of those buildings and work around those teachers' schedules as well.  Some things didn't work out, so I had to change them around. 

My computer at one of my buildings crashed, so I've been without a computer there since school started.  There is no space at my one school, and I overlap a half day with the person I share rooms with, so I have to see kids in the teachers' lounge.  No computer there either!

I got my usual Labor Day cold, and with it came a lot of sinus pain and I had a headache off and on for almost 2 weeks.  Hubby had it too and so did Coen, but somehow Sierra escaped it.  Then as soon as I finally felt better, we got this stomach thing where we just couldn't eat and had the worst stomach cramps.  That lasted awhile too.  One thing after another.  Being sort of sick, taking care of kids, and working full time - not easy.

Also adjusting to the lack of "me" time.  There are so many things I want to do, and I just can't get them done.  Then I feel guilty if I don't spend my time home with the kids because I don't see them much.  Literally 20 minutes in the morning - Sierra is cranky and Coen just wants fed and is a nightmare to change anymore.  Then I pick them up and attempt to cook while Sierra whines and Coen screams until I feed him.  Then it's bath and bed time shortly after.  So, I miss most of their "happy" time when I am working.  It sucks.

Then I have been trying to organize my house and clear out baby gear and clothes that we don't need, and make a little cash in the process.  That is a huge job, and sad to get rid of it all.  I hope I don't change my mind about having more kids!

And of course, Adelyn's birthday coming up is playing a big role in my emotional state.  I am trying not to dwell on the what ifs and could haves, but it's hard.  I have been very angry about it all over again, and trying to push through.  I know I just need to have a good cry, yet I just can't.  A friend sent me the most perfect gift and I still couldn't cry.  I'm holding it in, pushing through, but I just don't feel like myself right now.

I miss her.  I want people to remember her, yet sometimes I want to be "normal" and not be the one whose baby died.  Sometimes I want to forget that this happened to me.  If only it were that easy.

11 Days

11 days.

Just 11 days separate two dates that represent opposite moments in my life.

September 29, 2010 - the worst day of my life.

October 10, 2011 - one of the best days of my life, if not THE best.

How can this be?  How am I supposed to go from the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life, to first anniversary of the best?  That's a whole lot of emotion to cover in just 11 days.

I didn't realize it would be this hard to have their birthdays so close together.  When we thought about trying again, the only thing I cared about was that our next baby was born  after Adelyn's 1st birthday, and not in September.

I actually really wanted an October baby, for many reasons.  I wanted a baby ASAP, and October is obviously the first month after her first birthday.  But also, for work reasons - I knew I couldn't handle working while pregnant.  I work with kids, who don't understand what happened with Adelyn, and I couldn't bear having to explain should something go wrong again.  I also couldn't handle people making a big fuss over me and asking me if I was excited.  Nope - just terrified and guilty.  I figured I could hide being pregnant until the end of the school year then not go back until after the baby was born.  That's exactly what I did, somehow - not sure how people didn't suspect.  October does have my favorite birthstone too (not that boys care about that, but it's an excuse to have someone buy me opals).

I thought having another baby so close to Adelyn's birthday would be helpful. I thought it would make this time of year happier.  I thought still getting to plan a fall birthday would be helpful, even though it wasn't for the baby I thought it would be 2 years ago.

I was wrong.  So, so wrong.  Having their birthday just 11 days apart is SO hard.  I feel rushed, like I have to push aside my grief in remembering Adelyn so I can plan Coen's birthday.  I feel like as soon as hers is over, I have to turn my emotions in a completely opposite direction in order to celebrate the miracle of his birth, the greatest day, when joy was restored to our lives.  I feel like I am jipping Coen, because his birthday is always going to be a little overshadowed with Adelyn's.  There will always be some sadness this time of year.  I just hope that once we turn the calendars to October, that I will start to get excited for his birthday.  Right now, I'm just not there.  It probably doesn't help that I just don't want my baby to turn 1 already :(