Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Different Loves

During the first year after Adelyn died, I truly think Sierra was the only thing that made me happy.  Her smile, her silliness, and just the fact that she needed me, kept me going.  I could still mother her here, even though I couldn't mother her sister.  For a long time I felt like I had too much love to give her.  After all, I had all this love for Adelyn but I didn't know how to give it to her, and had no way to give it to her here on Earth.  So Sierra got all of it, double the love, double the cuddles, double the kisses on her sweet cheeks.

And then Coen came along, and he brought so much joy back - joy that I never thought could be possible again.  And I had to split my love between two kids on Earth, and that is hard.  As much as I didn't think I could ever love anyone as much as Sierra, I was wrong. 

Now, let me say that I love all of my kids the same, but in such different ways.  But, Coen's birth healed me in ways that no one else could.  So for awhile there, I think I was so caught up in that, and the bliss of a sweet precious baby, that I think I may have "forgotten" just how special Sierra's role is also.

Now, over 2 years after Adelyn's death, she still brings her up.  Innocently, randomly, sweetly.  She will ask, "Mommy, I wonder what Adelyn is doing?"  And we will talk a little bit about what we think she is doing in heaven.  It is so sweet.  I honestly think she is the only one who just brings Adelyn up so naturally, so freely, without knowing what a "taboo" subject babies who died are to so many.

That is truly her special gift to me.  I love hearing my middle child's name.  I rarely get to.  I love her name, I spent hours picking it out.

But sometimes, because she is so open about Adelyn, it makes others uncomfortable and they quickly try to change the subject.  I hate that, it is a reminder that my daughter is dead and many don't want to talk about her because I guess it's too uncomfortable to them.  What about me, I'm the one who had to live it.

Case in point - we were getting our haircut on Saturday.  For some reason, Sierra had been talking about Adelyn a lot lately.  So as we are all standing there, she starts asking our  hairdresser (who is my dad's cousin, so she knows Adelyn's story) who from our family isn't there with us.  And the hairdresser guesses just about everyone in our family, including the dog, EXCEPT Adelyn.  Ouch ouch.  That hurt, and made me feel like she is forgotten.  Then Sierra says, "No, Adelyn, my sister."  And I don't remember exactly what the hairdresser said, but I could tell she didn't know what to say and she tried to change the subject.  So then a little while later, her husband came to drop something off and Sierra starts talking to him about Coen.  And then she says "I have a sister, too."  And maybe he doesn't know, or didn't realize who we were, and he says something a long the lines of "oh someday you won't be so excited about that."  I guess meaning they would fight.  And in my head all I was thinking was ouch again, and if only you knew what we would give to have two fighting little girls.

I guess I should just get used to these types of things happening.  It's been awhile since one happened.  I both love and hate these situations.  I love that Sierra talks about Adelyn, but I hate most people's reactions.  Then again, I love that Sierra forces them to remember, and she doesn't even know how hard that is for me to do, she just does it.  I will always be thankful to her for that.  I will always be thankful for her getting me through that first year.  I will always be thankful to Coen for healing me in so many ways and bringing pure joy back to our house.  I will always be thankful to Adelyn for helping me to see the beauty in everything and for teaching me to cherish every single moment.

I love all three of my children, so very much, in so very different ways.  And I am thankful for all of them.


Mama Bear said...

If only adults could learn to talk about our lost babies as openly and honestly as children. I'm so glad Sierra can express her love (and sometimes sadness) about Adelyn.

TanaLee Davis said...

Out of the mouth of babes. Children are so real and honest. This world we live in quickly stomps that out of them and makes them like us- afraid to talk about the TRUTH...even when it can be uncomfortable. I too love that you have that sweet girl who loves adelyn so unconditionally. She breathes truth and I love that she can give you "fresh" air. Hugs mama-

Melissa said...

I'm glad Sierra talks about Adelyn and gives you comfort. <3

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