Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Years

I'm really not a big fan of New Year's Eve.  It gets me down.  I can't believe we are in 2013....that seems so far from 2010, the last time we saw one of our children's precious faces and held her in our arms.  I know that I should think of a new year as another year closer to her.  Yet, that's just not where my mind is lately.

I've been missing my girl a lot lately.  I actually think New Year's hit me way harder than Christmas.  Maybe because we didn't really do much, so I had more time to sit and reflect.  Probably because it's another year farther from the year she was born, which in my mind means she is another year farther from people's memory.  I don't know if that is true, but it often seems that way.

I think I am just sad to see 2012 go.  It was a very good year.  A full year of full arms, watching Coen grow from a tiny 3 month old all the way to a big 14 month old (almost 15 months actually).  2012 was the year of Coen's baby-hood.  And the fact that it is over is a sort of reality check.  2012 is over, Coen's baby-hood is pretty much over.  That makes me so sad.  I will never have a baby again, unless we get a surprise.  Sometimes I am okay with that, but then like everything else in life it cycles back to me being very sad about it.  And right now, I'm in the "very sad about it" phase.

I just don't want my baby to grow up.  His innocence, his laugh, the way he runs over to me and puts his arms up to be held, the way  he lets me rock him to sleep.  Even though he can be trying and tiring, it's worth it.

Yet, every stage Sierra goes through I have loved.  I am sad to see each stage go, but I love the next stage just as much.  I wish I didn't have to say good-bye to one stage, to get to the next.  I was going through Sierra's dress up box (since she was been playing dress up all week and changes her outfit about 3 times a day - love it) and found the Dora dress she wore every day right after Coen was born.  It made me sad to think that "stage" is over - both the Dora stage and the newborn stage.  I think part of it is because Sierra's Dora stage started when she was the age that Adelyn would be.  So, the realization that the Dora stage is over for her, yet would be just starting for Adelyn, kinda made me stop and think for awhile.  Every stage Sierra goes through and then gets out of, I think about the fact that I will never get to do that stage again, and had Adelyn lived I would probably still get to do it one more time.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, I'm rambling on.....and I should get to bed because I have to work tomorrow.  Boo!

2 comments:

Lisa Sissons said...

It makes perfect sense. Wishing you lots of peace in 2013 and lots of full arms moments. We never forget the past but that doesn't mean we shouldn't live in the moment if only sometimes <3

KrystalK said...

Makes sense to me too momma. I feel ya. ((((hugs)))

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