Saturday, February 2, 2013

Three, but Not

I have three children.

But yet I don't.

I went through 9 months of pregnancy and labor and gave birth 3 times.

But most people only see two of those children.

There are only two carseats in my car, two childrens' photos on my wall, two beds full with sleeping children.

And sometimes, it's enough to have those two.  They make me happy, I can see what I have not what I don't have.

And then there are those times when those two children make me feel like less of a mother.

I "only" have two children to take care of, when it seems like everyone around me has three.

That's hard for me.  I never planned on having three children, but I had three.  But yet I only have two.

I swear if one more person tells me they are expecting their third child I may lose it.  Why, why three?  Why not just two?  Why isn't two good enough?

Let's neighbors right next door, across the street, two of the three other families that use the same baby-sitter as us, some friends at work - people I interact with just about daily.  Then a friend just told me she is expecting #3.

Why does it bother me?  Why?  It's like I don't want anyone else to have more than 2 kids.  Yet I never planned on having more than 2 kids.  But I have more than 2 kids, sort of.

Yes, I could just have another baby, if I convinced my husband (and myself), which won't happen.  Yet it wouldn't matter, then I would wish for 4 kids.  No matter what, there will always be that hole.

And somedays, the two children I have here with me make that hole feel pretty tiny.

But not tonight.  Tonight, I miss her.  A lot.

Tonight, I long for the "old me."

But, she's gone.  And I wish people would understand that.

I'm allowed to have bad days still, 2+ years later.  I'm allowed to be angry sometimes, I'm allowed to still miss her.  She is my child, and she's gone.  No amount of "therapy" or time is ever going to change that.

Sigh.....I'm not sure if any of that make sense, but that's where my head is tonight.  I've been thinking about this post for awhile, but have been too busy to write.


Mama Bear said...

I have a hard time when people talk about the difficulties of having two--a toddler and newborn. Ugh. It is so hard that one will always be missing.

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