Today I ran to Walmart after work before picking the kids up. I had to return an iron and wanted to get new sand for the sand box. Our lid blew off in a storm on Tuesday...as a result the sand was full of water and bugs. Sierra said it looked like peanut butter....
There is a woman that I used to work with at a grocery store when I was in college, who now works at the Walmart I shop at. I really liked her, and so the first time I saw her we caught up. I think Sierra was just a baby or maybe 1. I am positive I saw her when I was pregnant with Adelyn as well. I would always pick her line when she was working.
Then after Adelyn died, I avoided her. I was afraid.....I couldn't remember if she knew I was pregnant and if she did, I was sure she didn't know my baby died. That situation has got to be one I worry about, how awkward and uncomfortable would that be.
Today this woman was working in the garden area, and our eyes met. So I walked over to ask her where to find the sand. We talked for a little bit, and she said something along the lines of "Oh you have another baby now, right? You have two, two little girls right?"
Awkward silence.....and then I blurted out, "No we had a little boy."
Ouch.
In more ways than one.
Because it reminded me of what I thought was going to be, of what could have been, but isn't.
Because I lied.
Because I didn't acknowledge that I did have another little girl, that I DO have two girls.
Because I answered yes that I have 2 kids.
What was I supposed to do? Say oh yes, we did have another little girl but she died and then we had a little boy. It just doesn't seem right, I just can't yet bring this up in casual conversation. I want to talk about her openly, I want to acknowledge her.....heck, moments like these are a rare chance to actually talk about her.
But I just can't......
Maybe it will come in time. I hope.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
One Less
Tonight our family has one less member. We had to put our 9 year old cat down today.
We have been struggling with our cat for quite awhile. It started back in spring of 2010 when I was pregnant with Adelyn. Skyler started peeing outside her litterbox. First we tried a shot of antiobiotics, which seemed to help but only for a day or two. Then we had to get a urine sample....let me tell you how fun that is. They say to put a rocks in the litterbox instead of litter, so it won't be absorbed into it, but when your cat isn't peeing in the box that won't work. So I put her in the crate we used when our dog was a puppy until she peed. This sounds cruel, but the crate is big enough for a dog so she had plenty of room. We found out she had crystals in her urine, which could be bad. They gave us another antiobiotic, which helped but as soon as we stopped it, she started going out of the box again. The vet said she may have a blockage and recommended we do an xray which would lead to surgery. We opted to try out a prescription food, and after a few weeks it seemed to do the trick.
Skyler had long hair, so often had hairballs. She would have a bunch and in the process throw up her food. Nothing like stepping in wet cat puke in the morning. My husband was so frustrated by it, as it was just one more thing to do.
Then things were going ok, with an occassional complaint from my husband about her (she wasn't the friendliest cat in her later years, probably from him not being nice to her). I think one thing my husband hated was litter box duty. After all, he had it quite often, being as I was pregnant 3 times in a span of 4 years.
Things got busy and crazy when Coen was born. I'm not sure if that stressed Skyler out or what, but we began to have the litter box issue again. Cat pee stinks. Luckily she was going in the same place, next to her box, which is in the basement. Our basement is finished (if you call it that, the previous owners did a horrible job) so we had to worry about the carpet.
I took her to the vet and they gave us antibiotics. Again, they seemed to work but when she went off them, same thing, she started going outside the box again. The vet wanted a urine sample, but when I took her in her bladder was empty...twice. My husband was ready to give up, he had been wanting to get rid of her for awhile, saying it was too much cleaning up cat puke with two working parents and two little kids. True, yes, but I made a commitment when I adopted the cat.
Then she peed.....all over Sierra's bed. That was it.....she had to stay in the basement.
Finally we decided to do the urine sample. The vet took her overnight and got it and turns out she had blood in her urine. Simple fix, more antibiotics, or so I thought. There was no change at all with the meds. We tried changing her food, I bought one of those diffusers that was supposed to calm cats. No change. The only thing we didn't try was giving her anxiety pills. I drew the line there, because I am lucky I remember to feed both pets and let the dog out, much less giving one a pill every day and worrying if I forget she will pee on a bed again. I also drew the line at getting a $100 urinalysis. At this point I had already spent well over $200 on this issue, $200 I just didn't have since I was off work unpaid for 3 months, plus the additional expenses we now have with another child.
We made the decision after she was on the food for a few weeks. I feel like we gave it a good shot, but nothing was working. I am not sure if she was anxious due to all the craziness in our house. I won't sugar coat our household, it's stressful during the week. We bicker over stupid stuff because we are tired and get no time to ourselves. The kids are tired from getting up early. It can get hairy, and often our dog goes upstairs under the bed (he's sensitive). Skyler never had issues after Sierra was born though. There were too many factors to consider, and not enough money and time to address them.
I feel so badly about this. I am trying not to think about it. I wouldn't even go downstairs at all today to see her before my husband took her in. I didn't cry, although I almost did when he came back home without her and with the paperwork. I made myself stop, a skill I have acquired since Adelyn died. It's sad, but I guess we gave her 9 years (we adopted her from a shelter).
I think this is where losing Adelyn gives us a bit of perspective. This is NOTHING compared to that, so I guess I am dealing better than I would have 2 years ago. I remember before Adelyn, thinking that I would never survive when something happens to our dog. Silly me......I survived losing my baby. Although our dog is my first baby and I know it will be harder when that time comes. Hopefully that won't be for a long time.
Rest in peace, Skyler. I know you are up there with our Adelyn now. I truly believe pets go to the same heaven as people.
We have been struggling with our cat for quite awhile. It started back in spring of 2010 when I was pregnant with Adelyn. Skyler started peeing outside her litterbox. First we tried a shot of antiobiotics, which seemed to help but only for a day or two. Then we had to get a urine sample....let me tell you how fun that is. They say to put a rocks in the litterbox instead of litter, so it won't be absorbed into it, but when your cat isn't peeing in the box that won't work. So I put her in the crate we used when our dog was a puppy until she peed. This sounds cruel, but the crate is big enough for a dog so she had plenty of room. We found out she had crystals in her urine, which could be bad. They gave us another antiobiotic, which helped but as soon as we stopped it, she started going out of the box again. The vet said she may have a blockage and recommended we do an xray which would lead to surgery. We opted to try out a prescription food, and after a few weeks it seemed to do the trick.
Skyler had long hair, so often had hairballs. She would have a bunch and in the process throw up her food. Nothing like stepping in wet cat puke in the morning. My husband was so frustrated by it, as it was just one more thing to do.
Then things were going ok, with an occassional complaint from my husband about her (she wasn't the friendliest cat in her later years, probably from him not being nice to her). I think one thing my husband hated was litter box duty. After all, he had it quite often, being as I was pregnant 3 times in a span of 4 years.
Things got busy and crazy when Coen was born. I'm not sure if that stressed Skyler out or what, but we began to have the litter box issue again. Cat pee stinks. Luckily she was going in the same place, next to her box, which is in the basement. Our basement is finished (if you call it that, the previous owners did a horrible job) so we had to worry about the carpet.
I took her to the vet and they gave us antibiotics. Again, they seemed to work but when she went off them, same thing, she started going outside the box again. The vet wanted a urine sample, but when I took her in her bladder was empty...twice. My husband was ready to give up, he had been wanting to get rid of her for awhile, saying it was too much cleaning up cat puke with two working parents and two little kids. True, yes, but I made a commitment when I adopted the cat.
Then she peed.....all over Sierra's bed. That was it.....she had to stay in the basement.
Finally we decided to do the urine sample. The vet took her overnight and got it and turns out she had blood in her urine. Simple fix, more antibiotics, or so I thought. There was no change at all with the meds. We tried changing her food, I bought one of those diffusers that was supposed to calm cats. No change. The only thing we didn't try was giving her anxiety pills. I drew the line there, because I am lucky I remember to feed both pets and let the dog out, much less giving one a pill every day and worrying if I forget she will pee on a bed again. I also drew the line at getting a $100 urinalysis. At this point I had already spent well over $200 on this issue, $200 I just didn't have since I was off work unpaid for 3 months, plus the additional expenses we now have with another child.
We made the decision after she was on the food for a few weeks. I feel like we gave it a good shot, but nothing was working. I am not sure if she was anxious due to all the craziness in our house. I won't sugar coat our household, it's stressful during the week. We bicker over stupid stuff because we are tired and get no time to ourselves. The kids are tired from getting up early. It can get hairy, and often our dog goes upstairs under the bed (he's sensitive). Skyler never had issues after Sierra was born though. There were too many factors to consider, and not enough money and time to address them.
I feel so badly about this. I am trying not to think about it. I wouldn't even go downstairs at all today to see her before my husband took her in. I didn't cry, although I almost did when he came back home without her and with the paperwork. I made myself stop, a skill I have acquired since Adelyn died. It's sad, but I guess we gave her 9 years (we adopted her from a shelter).
I think this is where losing Adelyn gives us a bit of perspective. This is NOTHING compared to that, so I guess I am dealing better than I would have 2 years ago. I remember before Adelyn, thinking that I would never survive when something happens to our dog. Silly me......I survived losing my baby. Although our dog is my first baby and I know it will be harder when that time comes. Hopefully that won't be for a long time.
Rest in peace, Skyler. I know you are up there with our Adelyn now. I truly believe pets go to the same heaven as people.
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| My favorite picture of Skyler, from when she was just a baby |
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
May 23rd
May 23, 2011 should have been one of the happiest days during my pregnancy with Coen. It was the day of my big anatomy ultrasound. I was so very nervous something was going to be wrong with him. We had the ultrasound done by a high risk ob, because I had wanted to consult with one to try to figure out what happened with Adelyn. Plus, the thing I feared most was getting an ultrasound tech who said nothing, like the one we had with Adelyn. I wanted one who would tell us what we were looking at and that it looked normal or not normal. I didn't want to worry for days that we would later get a phone call saying something wasn't right.
With Adelyn, the tech asked a bunch of questions, like how old I was and I can't remember what else, but didn't say why she was asking. She never really said everything looked great either, but didn't say anything was wrong. I only found out about the 2 vessel umbilical cord when my doctor's office called and left a message in my machine a few days later, saying they wanted to talk to me about my ultrasound but it was "nothing to worry about." When I got the message, they were closed and I freaked out, was in tears, couldn't sleep. I had to call back the next day and I ripped that nurse a new one - how DARE she leave that kind of message on my machine! Obviously my file says I work, call me at work because you know your office is closed by the time any normal person gets off work.
Anyway, back to Coen's ultrasound. I knew he was ok, but I needed to be reassured that very day that he was. We waited awhile, but when we finally went back the tech was very nice and did just what I needed. Went through each thing and told us it looked normal. I said I did not want to know the gender, because deep down I knew it was a boy. I knew if the tech told me it was a boy, I would have burst into tears right there and I would have been embarrassed at that reaction. I could swear to you I confirmed I was right without her saying it, because something about this ultrasound looked nothing like my girls, even though I never saw boy parts.
After the ultrasound we reviewed everything, Adelyn's history and her file. I had brought the hospital records with me and the dr. looked at them while I was getting the ultrasound. This was difficult, to go through exactly what happened again. He gave us his best guess as to what happened, that it was a combination of the 2 vessel cord, turning her from breech to head down and labor that caused her to die. At one point he said that he felt like she was really a stillborn that they treated as a neonatal death, and that infuriated me. He wasn't there, he didn't know her heart was beating strong during the whole labor. I remember my regular ob agreeing with me when I told her he said that.
There was a lot of talk about umbilical cords. We tried to ask if it was correct to allow the version procedure to turn her from breech to vertex, given her 2 vessel cord. He didn't say yes or no really, just that if it wasn't safe they would not have done it. The dr. kept comparing Adelyn to Coen, saying "this baby has a normal cord" and the chances for "this baby" to be born healthy were excellent. Every time he said that, it was like a knife in my heart. At that time, I didn't know Coen, I only knew he wasn't Adelyn. Those words made me angry, like why did he get a great chance, a better chance due to all the extra monitoring, than Adelyn? Why did she have to die so he could live? I still wonder that, but the difference is now I know Coen for the wonderful boy he is, and so it makes a little more sense. But it's still very confusing.
Hearing the dr. say that the version (procedure to turn babies from breech to head down) probably played a role in her death, nearly killed me that day. I felt overwhelmingly guilty, like my selfish choice to not have a c-section killed my baby. I know I didn't know what that outcome would be, but I couldn't help but feel at fault, at least partly.
Of course, Coen was breech at this ultrasound. The dr. said that if he stayed that way, he would recommend just doing a c-section this time, because he was sure I would rather do that than take the risk again. Why didn't someone tell me that last time, I wondered. Even though there was tons of time for Coen to turn, hearing he was breech freaked me out and made me start worrying about being in the same situation again. Thank God I did not end up having to make that decision again, but it wasn't until the very last minute that he turned, so I worried about it for weeks. I'm sure you remember my blogs about it last year.
I think that I spent most of the night after the appointment in tears. I felt guilty and the appointment just brought back so many memories from Adelyn. It was SO hard. As if it wasn't bad enough to go through the experience of losing a full term baby, it also affected my subsequent pregnancy. I couldn't even enjoy one of the days you look forward to in a pregnancy so much. I remember someone asking me how my appointment went the next day, and I could barely talk about it without crying.
One year later I can happily say I am in a much better place. Writing about that day last year did bring up a lot of hurt though. But, I just wanted to acknowledge this date and write about it, because I hadn't let the blogging world know I was pregnant again when we had the ultrasound.
With Adelyn, the tech asked a bunch of questions, like how old I was and I can't remember what else, but didn't say why she was asking. She never really said everything looked great either, but didn't say anything was wrong. I only found out about the 2 vessel umbilical cord when my doctor's office called and left a message in my machine a few days later, saying they wanted to talk to me about my ultrasound but it was "nothing to worry about." When I got the message, they were closed and I freaked out, was in tears, couldn't sleep. I had to call back the next day and I ripped that nurse a new one - how DARE she leave that kind of message on my machine! Obviously my file says I work, call me at work because you know your office is closed by the time any normal person gets off work.
Anyway, back to Coen's ultrasound. I knew he was ok, but I needed to be reassured that very day that he was. We waited awhile, but when we finally went back the tech was very nice and did just what I needed. Went through each thing and told us it looked normal. I said I did not want to know the gender, because deep down I knew it was a boy. I knew if the tech told me it was a boy, I would have burst into tears right there and I would have been embarrassed at that reaction. I could swear to you I confirmed I was right without her saying it, because something about this ultrasound looked nothing like my girls, even though I never saw boy parts.
After the ultrasound we reviewed everything, Adelyn's history and her file. I had brought the hospital records with me and the dr. looked at them while I was getting the ultrasound. This was difficult, to go through exactly what happened again. He gave us his best guess as to what happened, that it was a combination of the 2 vessel cord, turning her from breech to head down and labor that caused her to die. At one point he said that he felt like she was really a stillborn that they treated as a neonatal death, and that infuriated me. He wasn't there, he didn't know her heart was beating strong during the whole labor. I remember my regular ob agreeing with me when I told her he said that.
There was a lot of talk about umbilical cords. We tried to ask if it was correct to allow the version procedure to turn her from breech to vertex, given her 2 vessel cord. He didn't say yes or no really, just that if it wasn't safe they would not have done it. The dr. kept comparing Adelyn to Coen, saying "this baby has a normal cord" and the chances for "this baby" to be born healthy were excellent. Every time he said that, it was like a knife in my heart. At that time, I didn't know Coen, I only knew he wasn't Adelyn. Those words made me angry, like why did he get a great chance, a better chance due to all the extra monitoring, than Adelyn? Why did she have to die so he could live? I still wonder that, but the difference is now I know Coen for the wonderful boy he is, and so it makes a little more sense. But it's still very confusing.
Hearing the dr. say that the version (procedure to turn babies from breech to head down) probably played a role in her death, nearly killed me that day. I felt overwhelmingly guilty, like my selfish choice to not have a c-section killed my baby. I know I didn't know what that outcome would be, but I couldn't help but feel at fault, at least partly.
Of course, Coen was breech at this ultrasound. The dr. said that if he stayed that way, he would recommend just doing a c-section this time, because he was sure I would rather do that than take the risk again. Why didn't someone tell me that last time, I wondered. Even though there was tons of time for Coen to turn, hearing he was breech freaked me out and made me start worrying about being in the same situation again. Thank God I did not end up having to make that decision again, but it wasn't until the very last minute that he turned, so I worried about it for weeks. I'm sure you remember my blogs about it last year.
I think that I spent most of the night after the appointment in tears. I felt guilty and the appointment just brought back so many memories from Adelyn. It was SO hard. As if it wasn't bad enough to go through the experience of losing a full term baby, it also affected my subsequent pregnancy. I couldn't even enjoy one of the days you look forward to in a pregnancy so much. I remember someone asking me how my appointment went the next day, and I could barely talk about it without crying.
One year later I can happily say I am in a much better place. Writing about that day last year did bring up a lot of hurt though. But, I just wanted to acknowledge this date and write about it, because I hadn't let the blogging world know I was pregnant again when we had the ultrasound.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Rolling Over
Every night we put Coen to sleep on his back. Every night he rolls over to his belly. Sometimes it takes awhile, but when I check on him before I go to bed, he is always on his belly. I had been ok with it, because what can I do? Once they can roll, you can't stop them.
The past few nights when I have gone in to check on him, I have had small (or maybe big) freak outs. For some reason, the sleeping baby = dead baby is back. I was paralyzed for a moment, afraid to check if he was breathing. Especially tonight.....his face was not turned to the side so much so I wondered how he could breathe. I turned his head more to the side, watched him move as he breathed, felt under his nose to make sure he was really breathing, and left the room not feeling any less anxious even though he was fine. I think I may go back in and turn him over, I am just afraid to wake him up.
Sierra always slept the same way, with her butt sticking up. I guess it is a family trait, she still sleeps that way. The difference is, back when she was a baby, I was naive and didn't think anything bad could ever happen to my children. That is something you only read about happening to others.
Deep breaths........
The past few nights when I have gone in to check on him, I have had small (or maybe big) freak outs. For some reason, the sleeping baby = dead baby is back. I was paralyzed for a moment, afraid to check if he was breathing. Especially tonight.....his face was not turned to the side so much so I wondered how he could breathe. I turned his head more to the side, watched him move as he breathed, felt under his nose to make sure he was really breathing, and left the room not feeling any less anxious even though he was fine. I think I may go back in and turn him over, I am just afraid to wake him up.
Sierra always slept the same way, with her butt sticking up. I guess it is a family trait, she still sleeps that way. The difference is, back when she was a baby, I was naive and didn't think anything bad could ever happen to my children. That is something you only read about happening to others.
Deep breaths........
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
Mother's Day here was one of those damp, cool rainy days. The kind where the sun doesn't peek out at all and it rains almost all day long. I love rain and thunderstorms, always have. I like to lay in bed and listen to the rain hit the roof. It's calming, soothing to me.
However, losing Adelyn changed that. These kind of days remind me of Sept. 30th - it was exactly this kind of weather the day we left the hospital without Adelyn....and many of the days immediately following. It was playing in my mind today, although I was so busy I didn't have time to dwell on it. But I missed her today, I wondered what it would be like to get sticky kisses from a 19 month old. Even though I really can't imagine it, I will always wonder what she would have been like.
I am thankful for all three of my babies today. The three reasons I am called "mommy" today:
Sierra, my sunshine, who found a way to make me happy when the skies were very gray. She made me mommy first, and she plays the oldest role so well. Bossy, yet caring. I will forever be grateful to her for making me smile and laugh when my heart was hurting so much. I will never forget days after Adelyn died, she ran out of the bathroom after getting her bath, shook her hips at me and said "Look at me, mommy, I'm maked" (that was how she said naked). She is the only reason I got out of bed and kept living, I had to for her. I can NEVER do enough for her in my lifetime to thank her for that.
Adelyn, my guardian angel, who inspires me to be a better person and mommy. She strengthened my faith somehow. At first I was angry and wondered why God would take her from me. I still can't answer that, but I just know I will see her again in Heaven and that thought keeps me going. She brought me to some amazing friends, many through this blog. I am grateful for them, they understand and have helped me through some hard times (specifically her little brother's pregnancy). She also brought me closer to some of the old friends or even aquaintenances I had - some people I didn't expect, were so there for me and I will never forget that. Without her, I don't think I would be as close to many of them. That is a special gift. But probably her most special gift is her little brother, who I am fairly certain would not be here today if she had lived.
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And Coen, my rainbow, who proves that beauty really can come from ashes. He has brought so much joy and hope back to our family in such a short time. I am so thankful that he arrived safe and sound and healthy. I appreciate every little thing about him so much more, because I now know how precious life is.
Of course I am also thankful to my husband for giving me the three most beautiful babies in the world.
I can't write about Mother's Day without writing about my own mother. I am thankful for my own mother, who gave me such a good example of how to be a good mother. She is always there when I need her, and that is a LOT!
Happy Mother's Day everyone! I will leave you with a few quotes I came across that really touched me today:
"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those that had to give a child back" ~Erma Bombeck
However, losing Adelyn changed that. These kind of days remind me of Sept. 30th - it was exactly this kind of weather the day we left the hospital without Adelyn....and many of the days immediately following. It was playing in my mind today, although I was so busy I didn't have time to dwell on it. But I missed her today, I wondered what it would be like to get sticky kisses from a 19 month old. Even though I really can't imagine it, I will always wonder what she would have been like.
I am thankful for all three of my babies today. The three reasons I am called "mommy" today:
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Of course I am also thankful to my husband for giving me the three most beautiful babies in the world.
I can't write about Mother's Day without writing about my own mother. I am thankful for my own mother, who gave me such a good example of how to be a good mother. She is always there when I need her, and that is a LOT!
Happy Mother's Day everyone! I will leave you with a few quotes I came across that really touched me today:
"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those that had to give a child back" ~Erma Bombeck
Friday, May 11, 2012
7 Months
Coen turned 7 months old yesterday. 7 months! I just got used to saying 6 months. I don't like how fast time is going, he is now closer to 1 than 0......
Things have been moving along here. Life is crazy, we barely get a moment to sit down and when we do, we are so tired we nod off. But, I keep telling myself that there is an end in sight and that this sure beats how we felt last year at this time.
Coen doesn't get a check up again until 9 months, so I had to estimate what I think he weighs. I will take a guess at between 17 and 18 pounds. I measured him and got 27 inches. That means he grew a whole inch since last month! He certainly put on some weight! All of a sudden the kid has chunky thighs and rolls and a big belly! I can still squeeze him into 3-6 month clothes, but really he fits better in 9 months. Which is perfect, because it is getting warm here and all his spring/summer clothes are 9 and 12 months! I am excited to put him in some of the cute summer clothes we got.
Coen still takes only breastmilk -during the week, he nurses three times a day and takes two bottles while I am at work. On weekends, I do not give him any bottles. I successfully weaned myself off of pumping at 5 am, because I think I have too much milk frozen already and would rather get an extra 30 minutes of sleep. It was hard the first few days, because I was able to pump an entire 8 oz bottle and another half bottle each morning (and then nurse Coen about an hour and a half later as well). I really hate that feeling of engorgement when you skip a feeding, because it reminds me of how I felt when my milk came in after Adelyn. That was awful. Sometimes when we go out, people wonder why I don't just bring a bottle so I don't have to nurse him. Well, that is why- either I nurse, pump, or get that full feeling, and I can't deal with the full feeling and it's easier to nurse somewhere with a blanket covering us up than to pump!
Coen started rice cereal right before he turned 6 months and loved it. So little by little, I have been introducing new foods. First squash:
Then he tried green beans, bananas, pears, and sweet potato. He really liked the bananas and pears, of course, and wasn't so sure about the sweet potatoes. Maybe beacause of the texture? I'm not a fan of baby food, I prefer to make my own because canned food is yucky! Plus it is cheaper to make your own, I just don't have the time. But only a few more weeks till summer anyway. I bought a few containers of the baby food for the first tries, to be sure he likes it and isn't allergic. But I just used mashed ripe bananas and cooked him a sweet potato, mashed it and added breastmilk to thin it some. I would hate to go through the hassle of making purees (when I made Sierra's I made a huge lot at a time and froze it in ice cube trays) if he were to end up hating it or being allergic. Tomorrow we are going to try oatmeal cereal. He does fine on rice cereal and likes it, but I want to try something new.
And the solid food seem to have completely cured his diaper blow out issue! He went from going after every single feeding, like 5 times per day I swear, to maybe every other day. As soon as he tried bananas, he didn't poop for a few days and I was worried we were going to have the opposite issue! I joked with his baby-sitter about who would get stuck changing that one....and I was the "lucky" winner.
Coen is loving his floor gym and belly time now. He rolls and scoots around quite well. I think he will be crawling before we know it, and I am not looking forward to a mobile baby! I am ultra paranoid about him choking on some of Sierra's toys, since her favorites right now include the mini Strawberry Shortcake playsets, which have tiny little shoes, surfboards, drinks, fruits, etc and Tinkerbell with removable wings and shoes. Great.....
He still loves his exersaucer and puts everything in his mouth. He has started to make noises and babbles sometimes. He is definitely more aware of what is going on around him. He can even sit all by himself for long periods of time - let the fun begin. I think this weekend we are going to have to move his crib mattress down to the middle setting. So bittersweet!
Coen loves to blow rapsberries, which sounds like farting noises when he does it. I really think the gender differences are apparent at such a young age. I do not remember Sierra making those kinds of noises so young. It's like he has to be gross already. I am really not so sure I am cut out to be the mom of a boy sometimes......still makes me nervous even though I grew up around all boys. Or maybe that is why I am nervous, I know what I am in for?
We have slowly been bringing out some of Sierra's old toys, like the one in the picture above. It really brings back memories of her as a baby. I love looking back, but it makes me sad too. She is 4 now, it is going too fast and before we know it, Coen will be 4. It also makes me sad because seeing the toys has been reminding me that Adelyn never got to use them. I have been thinking about her a lot the past few days, and while it isn't the raw pain that brings me to my knees now, it still hurts to think of all we missed out on with her, and all that SHE missed out on.
Another milestone, for me, this month, was meeting my friend's baby girl. One day I just felt ready and I was. Thankfully, she reminded me way more of Sierra than Adelyn. Coen looked huge next to her, and that made me really sad that he is getting so big already. It also made me really, really wish for another little girl :( I hesitate to write that, because I don't want it to sound like I would trade Coen for a baby girl. No way......I just want a baby girl in addition to him.
Anyway, here is a picture of the cutest, sweetest baby boy in the world from his 7th month photo shoot by mommy:
We love you buddy, I swear more each passing day. How can that even be possible? He has brought so much happiness back to us. Whenever I miss his big sister, I just hold him close at stare at his sweet face.....and I have to think that there is something extra special about him, a reason why his sister couldn't stay with us so that HE could.
Things have been moving along here. Life is crazy, we barely get a moment to sit down and when we do, we are so tired we nod off. But, I keep telling myself that there is an end in sight and that this sure beats how we felt last year at this time.
Coen doesn't get a check up again until 9 months, so I had to estimate what I think he weighs. I will take a guess at between 17 and 18 pounds. I measured him and got 27 inches. That means he grew a whole inch since last month! He certainly put on some weight! All of a sudden the kid has chunky thighs and rolls and a big belly! I can still squeeze him into 3-6 month clothes, but really he fits better in 9 months. Which is perfect, because it is getting warm here and all his spring/summer clothes are 9 and 12 months! I am excited to put him in some of the cute summer clothes we got.
Coen still takes only breastmilk -during the week, he nurses three times a day and takes two bottles while I am at work. On weekends, I do not give him any bottles. I successfully weaned myself off of pumping at 5 am, because I think I have too much milk frozen already and would rather get an extra 30 minutes of sleep. It was hard the first few days, because I was able to pump an entire 8 oz bottle and another half bottle each morning (and then nurse Coen about an hour and a half later as well). I really hate that feeling of engorgement when you skip a feeding, because it reminds me of how I felt when my milk came in after Adelyn. That was awful. Sometimes when we go out, people wonder why I don't just bring a bottle so I don't have to nurse him. Well, that is why- either I nurse, pump, or get that full feeling, and I can't deal with the full feeling and it's easier to nurse somewhere with a blanket covering us up than to pump!
Coen started rice cereal right before he turned 6 months and loved it. So little by little, I have been introducing new foods. First squash:
And the solid food seem to have completely cured his diaper blow out issue! He went from going after every single feeding, like 5 times per day I swear, to maybe every other day. As soon as he tried bananas, he didn't poop for a few days and I was worried we were going to have the opposite issue! I joked with his baby-sitter about who would get stuck changing that one....and I was the "lucky" winner.
Coen is loving his floor gym and belly time now. He rolls and scoots around quite well. I think he will be crawling before we know it, and I am not looking forward to a mobile baby! I am ultra paranoid about him choking on some of Sierra's toys, since her favorites right now include the mini Strawberry Shortcake playsets, which have tiny little shoes, surfboards, drinks, fruits, etc and Tinkerbell with removable wings and shoes. Great.....
He still loves his exersaucer and puts everything in his mouth. He has started to make noises and babbles sometimes. He is definitely more aware of what is going on around him. He can even sit all by himself for long periods of time - let the fun begin. I think this weekend we are going to have to move his crib mattress down to the middle setting. So bittersweet!
Coen loves to blow rapsberries, which sounds like farting noises when he does it. I really think the gender differences are apparent at such a young age. I do not remember Sierra making those kinds of noises so young. It's like he has to be gross already. I am really not so sure I am cut out to be the mom of a boy sometimes......still makes me nervous even though I grew up around all boys. Or maybe that is why I am nervous, I know what I am in for?
We have slowly been bringing out some of Sierra's old toys, like the one in the picture above. It really brings back memories of her as a baby. I love looking back, but it makes me sad too. She is 4 now, it is going too fast and before we know it, Coen will be 4. It also makes me sad because seeing the toys has been reminding me that Adelyn never got to use them. I have been thinking about her a lot the past few days, and while it isn't the raw pain that brings me to my knees now, it still hurts to think of all we missed out on with her, and all that SHE missed out on.
Another milestone, for me, this month, was meeting my friend's baby girl. One day I just felt ready and I was. Thankfully, she reminded me way more of Sierra than Adelyn. Coen looked huge next to her, and that made me really sad that he is getting so big already. It also made me really, really wish for another little girl :( I hesitate to write that, because I don't want it to sound like I would trade Coen for a baby girl. No way......I just want a baby girl in addition to him.
Anyway, here is a picture of the cutest, sweetest baby boy in the world from his 7th month photo shoot by mommy:
Monday, May 7, 2012
May 7th
Two years ago today:
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I tried not to remember. I mean, I always remember the date of May 7th is when we found out Adelyn was in fact a girl. But I almost forgot that date was coming up, until yesterday. I can't remember what reminded me, but it did.
I don't want to think back to that day. It's a painfully happy memory. How can that be? It was one of the happiest days of my life, but looking back and knowing what would eventually happen, it hurts to think how happy I was. If that makes sense.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I took a half day off work and left Sierra at the baby-sitter's house, since my appointment wasn't until 2 or so. It was a Friday, and a beautiful day. The hospital was running late, of course, and I was anxious. They tell you to drink and not pee, but after 45 minutes of waiting I said forget it and went to the bathroom. Finally they called us back, and one of the first things the tech asked was if we wanted to know the gender if she could see it. We were still undecided, since we did not find out the first time, at my insistence. I said I would leave it up to Trevor, since I decided not to find out with Sierra. But I secretly wanted to know! I really didn't care either way, I figured it was a win-win situation - a boy and we had "one of each" (Ha can't believe I thought that when I so hate those words nowadays), or another girl and Sierra could have a sister to grow up with. I don't have a sister, but wish I did because sister have a special bond. Early in the pregnancy, I thought Adelyn was going to be a boy because there had been tons of girls born around us. As time went on, deep down I really started thinking more and more that she was a girl. And to be honest, even though I didn't really care either way, I think I leaned more towards hoping it was another girl. I just loved having a little girl, it was what I knew, and we had SO many girl clothes and toys. Plus I wanted to do the matching dress thing.
So it wasn't but 2 minutes when the tech got a shot and I knew it was another girl. Then she said, "it looks like another little girl." Trevor said he knew it! I think I instantly started daydreaming of matching dresses, pink, and sisters. The hopes and dreams began from that moment on. I was smiling, so incredibly happy, almost unable to believe that this was my life. How could I be so lucky?
On the way home, I was smiling from ear to ear. My friend called to ask how it went and wanted to know if we decided to find out the gender or not. She guessed a girl. Then we told my mom, who was excited. We went to pick up Sierra and all the neighbors were out and we got to tell them it was a girl too. It was different, since with Sierra we didn't know. That night, we had a retirement party for my aunt and we told everyone there. I remember her saying that I should have two little girls - I think because Sierra was always dressed up in cute girly stuff.
How can that have been two years ago? I remember it so clearly, but yet sometimes I feel like it didn't really ever happen. I'm not sure what to think, going through all these dates a second time. It is certainly gentler this year. But part of me feels so disconnected and distant from her. It feels like she is slipping away again, the memories are still so clear though.
It's been two years since those hopes and dreams started, and although I am dealing better and better, I don't believe I will ever fully recover from having those dreams. From that day forward, I feel like my life changed. The excitement and pure joy and the start of all these hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled. To me, it's harder to have had them dangled in front of me, so close I could actually touch it for a second, but then all of a sudden they are snatched away.
.jpg)
I tried not to remember. I mean, I always remember the date of May 7th is when we found out Adelyn was in fact a girl. But I almost forgot that date was coming up, until yesterday. I can't remember what reminded me, but it did.
I don't want to think back to that day. It's a painfully happy memory. How can that be? It was one of the happiest days of my life, but looking back and knowing what would eventually happen, it hurts to think how happy I was. If that makes sense.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I took a half day off work and left Sierra at the baby-sitter's house, since my appointment wasn't until 2 or so. It was a Friday, and a beautiful day. The hospital was running late, of course, and I was anxious. They tell you to drink and not pee, but after 45 minutes of waiting I said forget it and went to the bathroom. Finally they called us back, and one of the first things the tech asked was if we wanted to know the gender if she could see it. We were still undecided, since we did not find out the first time, at my insistence. I said I would leave it up to Trevor, since I decided not to find out with Sierra. But I secretly wanted to know! I really didn't care either way, I figured it was a win-win situation - a boy and we had "one of each" (Ha can't believe I thought that when I so hate those words nowadays), or another girl and Sierra could have a sister to grow up with. I don't have a sister, but wish I did because sister have a special bond. Early in the pregnancy, I thought Adelyn was going to be a boy because there had been tons of girls born around us. As time went on, deep down I really started thinking more and more that she was a girl. And to be honest, even though I didn't really care either way, I think I leaned more towards hoping it was another girl. I just loved having a little girl, it was what I knew, and we had SO many girl clothes and toys. Plus I wanted to do the matching dress thing.
So it wasn't but 2 minutes when the tech got a shot and I knew it was another girl. Then she said, "it looks like another little girl." Trevor said he knew it! I think I instantly started daydreaming of matching dresses, pink, and sisters. The hopes and dreams began from that moment on. I was smiling, so incredibly happy, almost unable to believe that this was my life. How could I be so lucky?
On the way home, I was smiling from ear to ear. My friend called to ask how it went and wanted to know if we decided to find out the gender or not. She guessed a girl. Then we told my mom, who was excited. We went to pick up Sierra and all the neighbors were out and we got to tell them it was a girl too. It was different, since with Sierra we didn't know. That night, we had a retirement party for my aunt and we told everyone there. I remember her saying that I should have two little girls - I think because Sierra was always dressed up in cute girly stuff.
How can that have been two years ago? I remember it so clearly, but yet sometimes I feel like it didn't really ever happen. I'm not sure what to think, going through all these dates a second time. It is certainly gentler this year. But part of me feels so disconnected and distant from her. It feels like she is slipping away again, the memories are still so clear though.
It's been two years since those hopes and dreams started, and although I am dealing better and better, I don't believe I will ever fully recover from having those dreams. From that day forward, I feel like my life changed. The excitement and pure joy and the start of all these hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled. To me, it's harder to have had them dangled in front of me, so close I could actually touch it for a second, but then all of a sudden they are snatched away.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Countdown
Life is so busy these days, I wonder how I manage to survive. Some days it all gets so overwhelming, I wonder if I was really cut out to be a working mother with two kids to care for.
I'm busy at work, I'm busy at home. I feel like I have unfinished things laying around everywhere and I can't stand it. But, that's just how it has to be right now.
I'm starting a countdown until summer. I think we have 27 days of school left. I can NOT wait to be home with my kids. It isn't easy by any means to be with your kids all the time, they try your patience and it is a lot of work to keep them entertained. Personally though, I am MUCH more relaxed, happier, and feel 100% less guilty when I am home with my kids. I feel like I can spend quality time with them, because right now I feel like all I get is maybe 30 minutes of quality time a day. The rest is trying to get them ready to leave in the morning, trying to get them to leave the baby-sitter's house after work, occupying them while I cook dinner, feeding Coen, giving baths, brushing teeth, packing lunches, doing dishes.......very little time for fun. I really hate it. There just aren't enough hours in the day. In order to get a little bit of me time, I stay up later than I should, so I am always tired.
I feel like there is always that "battle" between working moms and stay at home moms - which is harder? I sort of have some of both worlds, and I will say that they are both hard in completely different ways. There are pros and cons to both worlds.
When you stay at home, you give up your career, if you had one before kids. You don't get the adult interaction as much, you have less income, you don't get many breaks from your kids. But on the plus side, instead of sitting in a building, you get to be outside if it's nice, you can take your kids somewhere fun if you want, you can grocery shop without the crowds, you can clean your house so that on weekends, you can actually do something as a family. You don't have to miss anything your kids do, you don't have to worry about someone else doing things differently than you would do.
On the other hand, when you work, you miss out on SO much. I didn't see Coen roll over for the first time, I wasn't the one to put him in the baby swing on a swingset for the first time, I very well may miss when he crawls for the first time. I missed Sierra's real birthday celebration with cupcakes she made for her friends, because I was at work. On weekends, you are often so busy catching up on things like laundry and cleaning and grocery shopping that you don't have time or energy for after working a full day, that you don't have time to go out. Or if you do, you get behind and it causes more stress. When you work, you are pulled in one more direction - in addition to kids, husband, housework, friends, you have a second full time job to do. The positives of working? More money I suppose, however I kid you not half of my monthly salary goes to the baby-sitter. I have made lots of friends from working, I get to use my brain, I get out of the house and a break from my kids. I feel better because I contribute financially to the family. Relying on someone else completely would be hard for me.
I tend to feel like it's harder to be a working mom during the school year and find myself a bit jealous of those who don't have to work. Then summer rolls around and I find myself defending stay at home moms, especially on a rough day. I guess what it really comes down to, is doing what makes you happy. For some moms, that is working outside the house. For others, it is budgeting so they can stay home. Some of us don't have a choice. I have to work, and sometimes I am glad because if I had a choice, it would be super difficult to give up a career that I love. But if I chose to continue w orking, I would feel guilty. I think the best case for me would be part-time work with summers off. Just enough to use my degree, get out of the house and be around adults, but not so much work that I have no time to enjoy my kids.
And so, 27 more school days until I get a break. I can't wait to spend my days changing diapers, cleaning spit up, doing dishes....and going to the pool and having playdates and hopefully catching up on some sleep, reading and scrapbooking! Some days I really struggle with working full time, it is so hard. I hope that any moms who are able to stay home with their kids realize how truly blessed they are to not miss a thing. I am thankful that I at least get to do that 3 months a year, because I am not sure I would survive without that break. I also want to say that I think moms who work year round are my heroes! Doing this crazy routine 365 days per year with no break would be SO hard.
And that post went in a completely different direction than I thought I did. I have just been thinking about the whole working mom thing a lot lately because I am SO busy at work and SO stressed that I wish I could just walk away! 27 more days....
I'm busy at work, I'm busy at home. I feel like I have unfinished things laying around everywhere and I can't stand it. But, that's just how it has to be right now.
I'm starting a countdown until summer. I think we have 27 days of school left. I can NOT wait to be home with my kids. It isn't easy by any means to be with your kids all the time, they try your patience and it is a lot of work to keep them entertained. Personally though, I am MUCH more relaxed, happier, and feel 100% less guilty when I am home with my kids. I feel like I can spend quality time with them, because right now I feel like all I get is maybe 30 minutes of quality time a day. The rest is trying to get them ready to leave in the morning, trying to get them to leave the baby-sitter's house after work, occupying them while I cook dinner, feeding Coen, giving baths, brushing teeth, packing lunches, doing dishes.......very little time for fun. I really hate it. There just aren't enough hours in the day. In order to get a little bit of me time, I stay up later than I should, so I am always tired.
I feel like there is always that "battle" between working moms and stay at home moms - which is harder? I sort of have some of both worlds, and I will say that they are both hard in completely different ways. There are pros and cons to both worlds.
When you stay at home, you give up your career, if you had one before kids. You don't get the adult interaction as much, you have less income, you don't get many breaks from your kids. But on the plus side, instead of sitting in a building, you get to be outside if it's nice, you can take your kids somewhere fun if you want, you can grocery shop without the crowds, you can clean your house so that on weekends, you can actually do something as a family. You don't have to miss anything your kids do, you don't have to worry about someone else doing things differently than you would do.
On the other hand, when you work, you miss out on SO much. I didn't see Coen roll over for the first time, I wasn't the one to put him in the baby swing on a swingset for the first time, I very well may miss when he crawls for the first time. I missed Sierra's real birthday celebration with cupcakes she made for her friends, because I was at work. On weekends, you are often so busy catching up on things like laundry and cleaning and grocery shopping that you don't have time or energy for after working a full day, that you don't have time to go out. Or if you do, you get behind and it causes more stress. When you work, you are pulled in one more direction - in addition to kids, husband, housework, friends, you have a second full time job to do. The positives of working? More money I suppose, however I kid you not half of my monthly salary goes to the baby-sitter. I have made lots of friends from working, I get to use my brain, I get out of the house and a break from my kids. I feel better because I contribute financially to the family. Relying on someone else completely would be hard for me.
I tend to feel like it's harder to be a working mom during the school year and find myself a bit jealous of those who don't have to work. Then summer rolls around and I find myself defending stay at home moms, especially on a rough day. I guess what it really comes down to, is doing what makes you happy. For some moms, that is working outside the house. For others, it is budgeting so they can stay home. Some of us don't have a choice. I have to work, and sometimes I am glad because if I had a choice, it would be super difficult to give up a career that I love. But if I chose to continue w orking, I would feel guilty. I think the best case for me would be part-time work with summers off. Just enough to use my degree, get out of the house and be around adults, but not so much work that I have no time to enjoy my kids.
And so, 27 more school days until I get a break. I can't wait to spend my days changing diapers, cleaning spit up, doing dishes....and going to the pool and having playdates and hopefully catching up on some sleep, reading and scrapbooking! Some days I really struggle with working full time, it is so hard. I hope that any moms who are able to stay home with their kids realize how truly blessed they are to not miss a thing. I am thankful that I at least get to do that 3 months a year, because I am not sure I would survive without that break. I also want to say that I think moms who work year round are my heroes! Doing this crazy routine 365 days per year with no break would be SO hard.
And that post went in a completely different direction than I thought I did. I have just been thinking about the whole working mom thing a lot lately because I am SO busy at work and SO stressed that I wish I could just walk away! 27 more days....
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