What I Really Think

Still, to this day, there are many times that what I portray outside, doesn't match what I am thinking or feeling on the inside.

Take this weekend, for example.  I was at my neighbor's 5th birthday party.  The almost 1 year old little girl of one of our friends had surgery last week to remove a cyst/growth from her head.  Scary.....but it went well and so far, doesn't seem to be anything to be too concerned about.  I was asking questions, we were all talking about how it went.  Her mother started saying how awful she looked right after the surgery, and how the doctors didn't clean her up very well and there was all this dried blood still on her head.

Dried blood........a trigger for me.  I start thinking about Adelyn and the dried blood around her mouth and eyes that is VERY noticeable in the pictures the hospital took.  Or maybe it is meconium that is all around her mouth, I'm not sure.  But for some reason, hearing talk of dried blood and people not cleaning someone properly after a procedure, made me think of Adelyn.

So the conversation drifted towards other people's surgeries and/or c-sections.  But I could no longer focus on the conversation.  What did I really want to say?  I wanted to chime in about how the nurses NEVER cleaned my daughter off after she was born/died.  To this day, it makes me so angry.  It was like they didn't care, they could not even clean her up for the picture they took?  Then I started thinking about how awful those pictures are, and about the day when I first saw those pictures and what an awful day it was.  I have almost never been so disappointed, I was hoping for a nice picture to remember my daughter by.  I guess that was too much to ask for/hope for - it shouldn't be though.

But instead I said nothing.  Why??  Sigh......