February 7

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Coen.  Wow........

Just like many things in my life, on one hand that feels like forever ago, but on the other hand, I can't believe that was already one year ago.  Time flies.

I never really posted much about my pregnancy until I was pretty far along.  It was just so hard for me to be happy about it, when I was still so heavily grieving Adelyn.  I do remember that day though.

I had been feeling nauseous and really emotional the entire week prior to taking the pregnancy test.  In fact, it was exactly how I felt when right before I found out I was pregnant with Sierra.  I wondered if I was imagining the symptoms though, because I wanted so badly to be pregnant.  I couldn't believe that it would happen so quickly and so easily, even though it always had before. But after losing Adelyn I felt like my luck changed forever and nothing would ever be easy again or turn out how I wished.

I remember trying to wait it out until after my period was late, but I felt so awful I just had to know.  I couldn't wait.  It was a Monday, the Monday after the Superbowl. I remember this because that Saturday my brother had told me that they were expecting their second baby, and I cried for the rest of the weekend.  I couldn't even go to watch the Superbowl at my cousin's house, because I was so miserable and weepy, and I was so afraid everyone would be talking about it.  I just couldn't handle it.  Now I realize that part of my reaction was due to my own hormones.  I realize even more how much more the hormones affected me because I was also grieving.  Now that they are finally back to almost normal, I can tell a huge difference in how I handle things.  I know time played a role in that too, but it is a huge difference so there has to be more than just a few months time that has changed things.

I think that I took the pregnancy test when I got home from work, before I picked Sierra up.  I wasn't sure how to feel about it - excited first, scared second, sad, guilty - everything.

What a year it has been since that day.  9 of the hardest months of my life followed by a beautiful baby boy who made that very difficult pregnancy worth it.