Update

So today we had the follow up ultrasound that the MFM (specialist) recommended to check growth. Not that there were concerns, it is just part of the extra monitoring we are getting. I think the whole reasoning behind that is to make ME feel better, as the doctors said I am not really "high risk" just more high maintenance, for lack of a better way to put it. Meaning, I will probably be more worried and require more of their time, but there is no reason to think this pregnancy is at a higher risk of something going wrong than anyone else's. Especially since all has been good so far.

Well, really I am not sure this extra monitoring helps ME one bit. I think it may actually make it worse. It seems after every appointment I have, I leave feeling sad. Even when they say, "all is perfect" and answer any questions I have. Same thing today. The tech had no idea why we were there, she thought it was the regular anatomy scan. So we said, no we already had that, but we had it at the MFM. So then she starts asking why, was there a problem, why did you see a specialist? Grrrrr..... You should think it would be in my chart but NOPE. So of course we had to tell the story. Ugh. It should be in there to save us that awkward moment. I'm going to have to call and complain to my dr. about this. She seems to be the only one who gets things done for me!

So baby is still breech, has been -at least I think- since my ultrasound at 18 weeks. I'm completely freaked out by this. I knew he/she was - because it feels just like how Adelyn felt - her head was right under my ribs and she would push it out and it was SO uncomfortable. I do not remember that at all with Sierra. I just remember her kicking the heck out of my ribs, especially at the end! Anway, I know it is still early but I have this sinking feeling I am going to be in the same situation as with Adelyn. I've been feeling it for awhile now, dreading it, scared to death. Usually my instinct has been right in pregnancy about these types of things.

So what am I supposed to do? I am SO SO afraid of a c-section. Obviously, because last time I chose to do the version to turn Adelyn. And now I'm afraid of either option. I don't want to be cut open. I feel like my oldest daughter has been jipped of her mommy - I've been pregnant for most her life since her first 15 months, let's face it. And when you are pregnant, you are not your normal self, physically you can't do a lot of things and emotionally you lack patience and are moody. So I don't want to be hurting and not able to do much at all with her for a few weeks. And I don't want to have my arms be strapped to a table and not be able to hold my baby right away. Yet, I'm afraid to choose another version should I need to make that kind of decision. Because I really think turning Adelyn played a big part in her dying, causing a kink in her cord that slowly cut off her oxygen supply, but never completely, because she always had a heartbeat, but enough to cause brain damage and not let her breathe on her own at birth or be able to be revived. I know her cord had two vessels so it was probably more susceptible to that damage (a risk that was NEVER mentioned to us and blown off). This baby's cord is normal. And what happened to Adelyn, again, I think was a series of events that happened exactly how they needed to for that outcome to happen, so that same sort of thing happening again is SO rare, it was rare to happen in the first place.

And then it really goes back to guilt. I know I will be a mess and bitter if I have to do a c-section. First of all, because it's not what I want. This whole past year has not been what I want. When do I get what I want? And because I feel like if I had done it last time, Adelyn would be here. And so if I make a different decision this time, I feel guilty that this baby gets a chance and she didn't. Like that's my fault. But then I feel guilty that I feel that way towards this baby. Ahhhh.....

I know people are going to say c-sections aren't that bad and whatever it takes to get baby here safe. I know this. But it's just WAY more complicated for me. I NEED to have my happy ending, and so far a lot of how I imagined this pregnancy is NOT how it really is. So please, I just NEED to have the birth experience I want. I want to be able to hold my baby right away, I have never gotten to do this. Sierra had meconium so they had to take her and check her before I got to hold her. It wasn't long, but still. Of course, Adelyn was in bad shape when she came out - she also had meconium so at first I thought that was the problem. I didn't get to hold her until after she was gone (even then I don't really remember it anyway). I just want this baby to be born, cry really loud, and get to come right to my arms before anyone else gets to hold him/her. I don't think that's too much to ask.

So please, I ask for prayers that baby ends up turning head down in the next few weeks. I know that is usually when it happens. Then the decisions are made for me and life will be good.

Here is a picture from today: