Once again, I've started so many posts in my head, but they haven't made it to my actual blog. I guess I've been ok, at least on the outside. Yesterday I had a few sad moments, mostly due to stupid Facebook. I guess in a way I have too much time on my hands, because Sierra was napping and my husband went out for a little bit, and so I was alone. It was too quiet and I didn't have much to do - laundry was done, house was fairly cleaned - I even finally steam cleaned the carpet and couches!! So that always leads to thinking. Yesterday it was going back to last year at this time and how excited we were, and that just makes me sad.
Today we went swimming, it was super hot! It was a nice day. I am exhausted and wanted to relax, so I decided to catch up on TV shows on my DVR. I must have 6 episodes of some shows still on there. I have to admit that I still watch One Tree Hill. The episode I watched tonight just REALLY hit me, very unexpectedly, on so many different emotional levels. In fact, I sat there and cried for the last 15 minutes of it. There were a couple story lines going on, but the two major ones are a couple trying to adopt a baby and another couple expecting a baby girl any day. The first tug on my heart was when the parents-to-be were discussing names for their daughter. It just made me think about last summer and how hard it was for us to come up with a name for Adelyn. Difficult, but fun and exciting. Any time I look back on things like that, that WERE happy, it makes me sad because things didn't work out how we planned and all the preparations were for nothing.
Then they threw a surprise baby shower for the mom-to-be. All pink decorations and such, and pink always makes me think of Adelyn. She was going to be my princess, my girly girl. I never went all out in pink for Sierra because we didn't know she was a girl before she was born. So with Adelyn, I was determined to have fun with all girly stuff. After all, she was supposed to be our last baby. Anyway, the baby shower was given by the expectant mother's little sister. This was the next big tug on my heart. I immediately thought of Sierra, and how HER little sister would never get to throw her a baby shower. I think this is when the tears started. Not so much sadness for myself at this point, but sadness for my daughter, the girl I love most in the world. And that kind of sadness is the worst kind.
Then, the little sister gives her baby brush to her big sister as a present for the baby. It says "my girl" on it. She talks about how her sister was going to love and be a good mother to her new daughter, as much as their mother was to them (their mother had passed away in previous episodes). They show a picture of the mom and the two girls. It made me think of the pictures of me and my two girls that will never be. And of course it made me think of MY mom and how much I love her and how lucky I am to still have her here with me.
Finally, the couple who are trying to adopt - they in the storyline are not able to have kids of their own but want them so badly. So that makes me feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself tonight. There are people in the world who would do anything to have 1 healthy child. Why can't I just SEE what I DO have tonight, and not what I DON'T? Sometimes that is still so hard to do. I want to, I know I should, but very often I cannot and then that leads me to feel guilty about how I do feel.
Nights like these, I really wish I was a man so I could just turn off the switch and fall right to sleep without thinking and thinking and thinking about things I cannot control.........
1 week ago