Saturday, July 2, 2011


Although it isn't July 4th yet, everyone seems to be celebrating tonight. Our neighbors have an annual bash with great fireworks, and the casino right by our house was also lighting off fireworks tonight - which we can see perfectly from our house.

BUT - tonight didn't seem to go as planned and I sit here frustrated and feeling sad about what might have been.

We went to dinner for my cousin's birthday, which was fun. Then we went to their house afterwards for ice cream cake - yum. Sierra always has fun there with their 4 kids and especially jumping on their trampoline. I wanted to leave in time to get home and watch the fireworks from our house and walk over to the neighbors' party so Sierra could run around with her buddy like last year. Apparently, so did Trevor but somehow we ended up staying later than either of us wanted. So the fireworks started and we watched them at my cousin's house and then they started lighting off theirs and I was ready to go. Apparently, Trevor had been ready to go an hour sooner and was annoyed and so decided to make me wait since I had made him wait. I HATE when he acts all stubborn like that. As I result, both of us were cranky and frustrated and blaming the other for not leaving earlier.

As I sat there watching the boys go crazy about fireworks (and REALLY wanting to go home), my mind couldn't help but wander. I thought about two years ago at this time. It was when I thought I might be pregnant, days before I found out. Of course that pregnancy only made it till about 10 weeks, but I did spend all of July feeling sick and half of August thinking I was still pregnant. Last summer, it was hot and I was very pregnant, thinking I was bringing home a baby girl in 2 months. But that didn't happen either. So frustrating.

Then I looked at Sierra, wearing her "Mommy's little sparkler" shirt I bought last year. I remember being excited about something saying Mommy on it for girls - usually it says Daddy. So I bought it and a matching onesie for Adelyn to wear. I remember wondering if I should buy 6-9 months or 12 months, and when 6-9 was all I could find, I worried it would be too small. Ha - if only that was my problem this year.

And then all the firworks reminded me of the Katy Perry song, "Firework."

That song used to give me so much HOPE, especially the part about after a hurricane, comes a rainbow. But tonight it made me sad, once again thinking about what could have been but isn't.


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