Sunday, July 17, 2011

Thoughts of my Head Tonight

As I sit here, looking at Adelyn's picture on my blog, all I can think about is how babies just shouldn't die. Look at that sweet face. It's just not right.

The other thing running through my head is WHEN? I keep thinking about little rainbow baby and when he/she is going to be born. In some ways, I want him/her out NOW. I'm so done - if I do the math, I have been pregnant about 20 out of the past 28 months of my life, including every month of the summer except June of 2009 (found out I was pregnant around July 4th in 2009, found out it wasn't a viable pregnancy near the end of August, January-September 2010=Adelyn, February-Oct 2011=rainbow baby). Yikes. Another reason is I have to go back to work Decebmer 9th to keep my health insurance, since I will not be going back this school year. It's just too much for me. So the sooner the baby is here, the more time I get with a baby before I go back. I don't worry so much about leaving him/her, since Sierra's babysitter will be watching the baby also and she rocks. It's just what if I get a horrible sleeper and am up all night and then have to get up and go to work? I know nothing about that, Sierra was a VERY easy baby. She slept through the night at 6 weeks without a problem from then on, even when teething. And I truly believe we are getting paybacks with her potty training issues now. That will be another post - but believe me, it's coming soon.

But then, if I go sooner, I run into the problem of anniversary dates. Basically I will be 37weeks - full term - right around Adelyn's birthday. I know I won't even think about being induced until it hits October - September is her month. But then there is October 3, the last time I held and saw Adelyn. October 9, the date of her funeral. October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I feel like I wanted September 29-October 15th to be "Adelyn" time. My due date is the 18th. What to do? So many pros and cons to consider.

Right now, this is what I am worrying about - well in terms of this pregnancy anyway. I guess it beats worrying that the baby will live. I don't think that is going to hit me until labor, since that is when things went wrong last time. I can't even think about it, actually.

So that's it for tonight.


Rhiannon said...

I know what you mean by just wanting to be done in terms of just ready to be holding that sweet baby in your arms. I am so ready, too. The stress and worry about every little thing can be so exhausting. Thinking of you. <3

Amy von Oven said...

I know the waiting is so hard...but that little baby is growing into a healthy and precious baby for you to hold, its worth the wait :) Praying for you to get through this.

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