Monday, May 30, 2011

8 Months

Yesterday marked Adelyn's 8th month in Heaven. It felt like just another day, probably because the last week or so has just been a string of really emotional, sad, tearful days. I guess just because it was the 29th day of the month didn't make it any different because the truth is, I have thought about Adelyn just about every moment of every day. Every single time I allow my mind to wander, to think, it has gone to Adelyn. Second guessing EVERY decision I have made the past 9 months. Wishing with every single breath I take that she was here, that things were different, that this wasn't my life. In a way I feel like I am living in the past, in the what "should have been" instead of looking towards the future and what is going to be. I don't want what is going to be though - I want what "should have been." I feel kind of lost - I don't want to feel this way, but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I just don't know.

Yesterday I went shopping with a cousin. Ok, technically she is engaged to my cousin-in-law of sorts, but we grew up together and so I consider him family, and her as a cousin also. It was nice to get away, without the kids, and hang out. It's very rare to do this actually. But of course I felt quilty because my husband was home digging up the grass to get it ready to install a walkway from the porch steps in the 90 degree weather. Ah, the guilt never escapes me, but that could be post in itself.

We went to the outlets and it is such a great place to shop for kids. My daughter's entire wardrobe comes from there - Gap Outlet, Old Navy, Children's Place, Carter's and Gymboree Outlet. One thing I have noticed is that the Gymboree Outlet carries the line from the previous year at the regular Gymboree store. So, while we were shopping - I tried not to look at the baby girl section but when you have a toddler girl it's almost impossible as they are always right next to each other- I saw it. The dress I fell in love with last year and already picked out as Adelyn's first birthday dress. Pink and brown and ruffles. So adorable - I saw it online last year and decided I would see if the outlet store carried it this year to get for her. Obviously I don't need the dress and more than likely never will need another dress for a baby girl. My heart sank. Another reminder. Here's a picture of it, so I can share the dress with you, since I won't be able to put my baby girl in it on her first birthday.

Today I checked my e-mail and I got one from Carter's - while browing their site I guess I accidentally put something in my shopping cart yesterday and it sent me one reminding me of what I "left behind." The e-mail contained this picture:

Really? Of all outfits, they had to send a cute little girl in a "little sister" shirt? Do they have any idea how many of these I have folded in drawers, waiting for a baby girl to wear them? Do they know how much I looked forward to all the big sister/little sister stuff?

Today we went swimming at my aunt's house. Sierra had a blast, and it felt good to get out of this heat. A comment made by my aunt (referring to my niece who is 19 months) "What a difference a year makes." Don't I know it. A year ago, I was a different person, excited about the future. This year, I'm still excited about the future, but mostly only what involves Sierra -although as any parent can understand, watching her grow up it bittersweet. But in a lot of ways, I want a do over. I want to redo the past year and have it turn out differently. And I can honestly say that is the ONLY year of my life I would ever want to change.

So I guess my big thought for the 8 month mark is "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Because SO much has happened and changed since September 29th. But at the same time, it has stayed the same. I still miss Adelyn more with each passing day. I still wish I could change what happened. I still wish that she was here with us. I know that will NEVER change, but maybe someday it won't consume my thoughts. That day doesn't seem to be coming soon though.

I love you baby girl!

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." ~Helen Keller


KnottedFingers said...

Oh Sweetie :( I'm so sorry. Those reminders are so hard and they really don't get easier. They just become year marks. Our 4 year mark is coming up and I've been so up and down. It's almost like I've lost her all over again :(

car said...

The dress is very sweet and Adelyn would have looked adorable in it. And that email, I would have hard a hard time not throwing something at the computer screen (or throwing the computer itself). How do they find the things that are the most painful without even knowing?

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