These Shoes

I've read this poem on several other blogs, and I have always felt like it was so accurate. I wish every single person could read this, and maybe they just might "get" how I feel just a little bit better. Lately I feel like I am getting the pity stares, especially from my neighbors. They all know I am REALLY struggling with the new baby on the street, but yet not one person has actually asked how I am doing with it or even mentioned a word about it. I just want someone to say "I'm sorry this is so hard for you. Is there anything we can do to make it easier?" Nope - instead they all stand outside and "ooh" and "aahh" over the baby. Sigh. At least she wasn't outside on Friday when I got home. I honestly felt a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I swear my blood pressure must have been out the roof these past few days, that's how much stress this has been causing me. My heart actually physically hurt on Friday, which was worrying me, but normally this only happens when I am REALLY stressed. When I came home to no baby outside, I felt like my blood pressure dropped and my heart hasn't hurt since.

It's like I'm right back at the beginning again, the sight of that baby is making me relive losing Adelyn, grieve for her all over again because I so long for it to be ME out there pushing my newborn. We were supposed to BOTH be doing it, our girls were supposed to play together :(

So, this goes out to all my neighbors this week. I know they are all thinking - especially the neighbor who had the baby - "I am SO glad that is not me." It's ok, I wish it wasn't me, too. I REALLY wish it wasn't me. Lately, as I read the birth announcements and see the living babies of women who were pregnant with me, I have been feeling the "why me?" again.

THESE SHOES

I wear a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.