Her Name

This is going to sound ridiculous......but I wish that I could trademark Adelyn's name.  That no one else could use it.  It's too special, sacred to me, to hear another baby named it.

Yet, this week I have heard it 3 or 4 times. 

My cousin posted a photo on Facebook of her daughter holding a very tiny baby girl.  It didn't crush me to see a tiny baby girl.....until she told me her name was Adelyn.

I don't know why she even told me that, but probably because we were discussing the first birthday party of another cousin's daughter that we were invited to.  I don't want to go, because I know there is going to be a little girl named Adelyn there.  She was at the baptism for the birthday girl a few months ago, and no one warned me until we were on our way.  I know they don't know how much that would have affected me to talk to someone and hear them say their tiny baby is named Adelyn, but still.  Unexpected things are the worst, at least if I am prepared I can harden myself prior to the situation.

Then there is the girl I think is named Adelyn and looks to be the exact age as my Adelyn would be.  I think I may have written about her before, but when I took Sierra to her Summer Enrichment last week, she was there again.  I swear for the 2nd time I thought I heard her mom yell "Adelyn!" at her.  The first time was when I took Sierra for her Kindergarten screening.  My heart raced and I felt like I was out of my body after that time.  At least this time I was sorta prepared, but I couldn't help but stare at her.......

Then tonight, first thing on my Facebook was an old acquaintance saying they were so happy to meet the new baby girl Adalyn Jane.

I really wish her name wasn't becoming so trendy.  I remember worrying about that when we chose it - I like different names.  It sucks when you take all this time to pick a unique name and then it ends up becoming really popular a few years later.  It sucks even more when the baby you chose the name for dies.  I know it's wrong, but every time I hear another baby/girl named Adelyn, it puts me in a bad mood and I have a pity party.  Sometimes I just can't help it, but I don't like feeling that way.  I wonder why their Adelyn got to live and mine didn't?

I miss her tonight.

Summer

We are nearing the end of week two of summer and I am so happy.  I swear I am a different person.  I have more energy, I'm not exhausted all the time,  I feel less stressed.

That's not to say I sit on my butt and relax all day.  Oh hell no!  My day on Monday:

Woke up and fed myself and both kids breakfast, got us all dressed and out the door by 9:45.  Unbuckled both kids from their carseats and took lugged Coen along to drop Sierra off for her first day of summer enrichment.  It's a program at her school with fun things for kids to do a few weeks during summer.  I decided to sign her up since it's offered at the school she will go to.  Plus I thought it would get her used to being there for 2 hours, which is almost as long as Kindergarten will be. So then I loaded Coen back up, drove to an appointment at the consignment store to get rid of some baby toys and gear (my Boppy pillow included :( I wanted to cry).  This of course involved taking him out and back in his carseat two more times!  He fell asleep on the way to pick Sierra up, where I had to unload him again just to walk in and get her!  We went home, ate lunch, and ran to get dog food then another store to grocery shop.  I came home and luckily Coen did not fall asleep in the car, but I had to rush and unload the cold stuff.  I finally got him to nap around 4.  Then I rushed out to mow the grass while he slept and Sierra played in her water table outside.  Then I cooled off, woke him up, did dishes while I made dinner.  After dinner we went back outside, took the dog for a walk, and came in to give the kids baths.  Then I ran on the elliptical for 30 minutes and showered and sat down around 10 for the first time all day.

Exhausting, but productive.  All days are exhausting with kids, but most are not so productive!  I must have buckled and unbuckled Coen 15 times!  It felt SO good to get stuff done though.

I will say for me the big difference between working and not working is night time.  I am just as busy and sometimes stressed during the day trying to get stuff done while watching 2 kids and keeping them occupied.  In a perfect world I could just focus on them and not try to get stuff done at the same time, but unfortunately I push a lot of things till summer that I just can't get to when I am working full time (seriously, what do women who work year round do?  I think they are my heroes!).  So all day I am busy busy busy.  In fact I am busy until the kids go to bed, and they go to bed later in the summer.  Coen hasn't been going until almost 9 and Sierra almost 10 every night.

But, once the kids are in bed I am relaxed.  I don't have to pack my lunch or decide what I am wearing or iron it.  I don't have to worry about getting to bed because I know I have to get up at 5:45.  I don't have to worry about getting the kids up early too.  I don't have to worry about work stuff on top of mother stuff.

It's so, SO nice.  I LOVE it.  I am happier in the summer.  I actually feel like doing things or going out.  I'm like a different person.  I swear I have two personalities - summer Lisa and working Lisa.  No joke.  I like summer Lisa much better!

I often wish I never had to go back to work.  But, I do think having "only" 2.5 months off makes me appreciate that time so much more than women who stay at home year round.  For me, it's a change from the usual, so spending so much time with my kids doesn't get as frustrating as it does for someone who always does it.  If that makes sense.

My favorite part of summer is getting to keep my whole paycheck!  We often get the comments about "oh it must be nice to have two incomes."  What people with one income don't realize is their one income is probably not much less then our two, especially when you factor in that 40% of my pay goes right back out to the baby-sitter.  She earns her money for sure and she is worth it, but I wish I didn't have to pay someone else to do what I wish I could do.  So, in summer, I still get a paycheck and don't have to work.  It doesn't get much better than that!

In a Funk

I've been in a funk all weekend.  I hate funks!  Not sure what started it.  A lot of factors.

About 3 weeks ago, my allergies were so bad that I couldn't stop coughing. It was awful, felt like there was constantly something in my throat.  Well, there was.  Apparently, I coughed so hard and so much that I pulled a rib muscle.  OUCH!  You don't realize how much you move it until it hurts.  I could barely lay down, roll over, or get out of bed without a lot of pain.  Add in a 28 pound toddler and sitting in little kid chairs leaning in so I can hear a good R or L or S over the hand dryers in the bathroom next to my office and it hasn't been fun.  Then I took Advil, which made my stomach bloated and feel yucky.  One of my students even asked me if I was having a baby.  Yikes, and NO I am not.  I can't even exercise because it hurts!  Frustrated!

Then my birthday is Monday and thought maybe we can go have a nice dinner Saturday night.  Well, my husband won tickets to the Stanley Cup Playoffs from work, but had to go with someone from work or pay taxes on $800 worth of tickets.  So that idea was shot - you can't pass up hockey tickets!  My back was killing me, because I think I strained it trying to avoid using my rib muscles.  I had my  mom come over to help.  We were outside and a newer neighbor was out with her 1 week old little boy.  Seeing how tiny he was made me sad that I will never have one of those again.  We were talking about labor, she had him at the same hospital as I had Adelyn and Coen.  She uses the same ob/gyn group as me, and was saying she loved the doctor that I had and hoped she was the one who delivered but it wasn't.  I said how much I loved that doctor and wanted to say  more, and say why, but this neighbor didn't live here when Adelyn died and doesn't know about her and it just wasn't the time to tell the story.  It was late and I needed to get my kids in bed. So I felt like a fraud and very uncomfortable.  I said how I had Sierra at a different hospital and she asked what I thought compared to the other one.  It's so hard to compare because I feel like we got special treatment when I had Coen.  It was just an awkward conversation.  I later found out that Sierra said something about having a sister in heaven in front of that neighbor and according to my husband who was standing there she kind of gave Sierra a strange look.  So I guess I will have to have a conversation about Adelyn with her.

After we came in, we watched the Secret of the Wings for the 100th time.  My mom had never seen it so Sierra wanted to watch it with her.  It always reminds me of Sierra and Adelyn.  Sisters living in different worlds.  But it really hit me last night.  I was actually imagining Sierra and Adelyn being reunited in heaven one day.  At the same time, it made me sad that they aren't together now.

Today I sort of cured my funk by  having a mother daughter pedicure day.  I've wanted to do it for awhile, and as sad as I am that I don't get to do this with both my daughters, on the way  home I realized that I am just blessed to have one little girl to do these things with.

Random Thoughts

So many random thoughts are going through my mind tonight.  A sign I need to blog.  Life has been so busy and I am always too exhausted.

Coen decided to finally wean himself this week.  I knew it was coming, and I knew it was time.  I had planned to go through winter to help with immunities, then decided I would go through till my summer break.  Somehow weaning him when I get to spend all day with him seemed easier.  But, he did it himself.  I can't believe I will never breastfeed again.  I wish I could always have a baby in my house, I don't want them to grow up!

I've been thinking a lot about Adelyn lately.  I mean I always do, but a few things have happened.  When others are pregnant with their 3rd baby, it gets to me.  Especially if they have all girls.  I am jealous, they get to have another baby.  Yet, I don't actually want to get pregnant and try for 3rd living baby.  I guess I am deep down just a bit jealous they get to (most likely) keep all 3 of their children.  And, when it's all girls, it just takes me back to that time in my life when I thought I would have all (2) girls, and then after Adelyn died I prayed and hoped for another girl (but deep down I knew I would have a boy).  I think seeing another family get this, when I didn't, just reminds me of my shattered hopes and dreams.

However, I would NEVER trade Coen in a million years.  NEVER.  That boy has me wrapped around his finger.  He has started giving me kisses.....sweetest thing ever.

Interesting that the other day at work, we were talking about this book where a deadly disease comes through and only one blood type could heal it.  And in the book, the woman's child is found to have that blood type and she is asked to sacrifice her son for the better of mankind.  Could I do that.......how could I knowing the pain of losing a child?  Yet, that is essentially what Jesus did for us.  Then the conversation moved into this deep conversation about God and why bad things happen especially to innocent kids.  It's hard to think that God had this plan, and would choose for children to die.  I honestly don't know if I believe that, but I do believe God is there to see us through the tough times.  Then we started talking about Adelyn.  My friends' kids are the same exact age as my living kids, except she was 2 boys.  And that is hard for her, to never have a daughter.  We started talking about all kinds of things, and then she asked me if I ever resented Coen.  I love having conversations that are so deep that we can talk  honestly about our feelings.  I think she meant how you struggle before your second child is born. Things are wonderful, why go and change them?  I so felt that way, especially because I felt like I had just gotten used to the idea of the 3 of us again, after losing Adelyn, that I wondered why I wanted to change things again.  But, she also could have been asking if I ever resented Coen for not being Adelyn, for being a boy and not the girl I hoped for.  And the answer to that is easy....NO.  Not once since I laid eyes on him did I ever feel anything but love and thankfulness for him.

Later that night, I was reading a post from someone who recently lost a daughter, also at 41 week, and also had a 2.5 year old older child, and the baby died during labor, which is close to what happed with Adelyn.  I could feel she needed someone to listen, and tell her it would be ok.  And so I wrote a few messages to her, and she responded thanking me for giving hope.  It felt so good to be able to do that for someone.  Thank you Adelyn.  After chatting, we became friends on Facebook so I was  looking through her photos.  I felt her pain, and my pain all over again, looking at the nursery she created but never got to use.  Why did I do that to myself?  I had to, because I know how important it was for me to share my love for Adelyn and also my pain.  As I was looking through her photos, I saw an album of newborn pictures titled "Adalyn".  Wow.  Small world.  The photos were of a baby she photographed.  My heart kinda dropped when I saw it.

Whew......what a roller coaster of emotions the past few days.  Time for bed!

Five

 My big girl turned 5 two weeks ago already!.  It's been a busy two weeks so I am just now getting to write about it.

It's hard to believe it's been 5 years since I became a mommy.  Things have changed so much since the day Sierra was born.  We've been through a lot.  I am defintely not the same innocent, naive mommy I was when I was pregnant with her and during her delivery and even during the first 2.5 years of her life.

But, I'm glad I got to experience that pure, unmasked joy of pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  Those who lose their first child never get to have that.  It's precious, being able to enjoy all those things without the worry of something happening like with Coen, or something really happening like with Adelyn.  I mean, I am sure many pregnant women worry a bit about something going wrong, but I don't think they really think it could happen to them like those of us who have had it happen.

Turning five is a big deal.  Sierra is officially registered for Kindergarten -yikes.  I'm not sure I am ready to entrust her to complete strangers.  I mean, I should trust them because I do work for the same school district as she will attend, so I know we have great teachers.  It's just not the same as having your neighbor, who knows your story, and has known your child since she was a baby, be the one taking care of your child.  It's letting go, a lot.  I'm not ready to let go, and I'm not ready for her to grow up.  And I'm really not ready for the attitude that my friends have all warned me comes after going to school.  I think she has enough of one already.

I still get e-mails from Babycenter, and even to this date read them because they are usually helpful.  Just yesterday I got one and it is now from "your big kid this week."  The first line of the e-mail says "welcome to the big kid years." MY kid, a big kid?  How can it be?  She's still that big eyed baby they put in my arms 5 years ago.....isn't she?

Sierra had a pretty good birthday.  On her actual birthday, she got to wear her new Tinkerbell tutu dress and take cupcakes to her friends.

 

 

We went to Red Robin for dinner at her request and she picked out a huge piece of ice cream cake for us all to share. She opened her presents from us when we got home.

 

We had a roller skating party the following Sunday, and everyone had fun.  It was hectic, but something seemed a bit off with the workers.  First, there were TONS of people working.  Later one of them told my mom that the owner's daughter had passed away suddenly the night before.  I didn't know details, like how old she was (later I found out she was maybe 40), but it distracted me.  All I could think of was their pain, what they must be feeling, and plus it was a rainy day so that didn't help.  Figures something like that would happen at our party, of all people.  I guess friends were gathering there to support her, she of course had to carry on with scheduled events at her business the day after her daughter died.  That is strength......

 

I have been experimenting with subway art lately, so I made this one for Sierra's 5th birthday.  It captures her at this age so well!

 

 

Happy Birthday to my biggest.  Now stop growing up on me, 5 is an amazing age!



18 months

So Coen has been 18 months for over a week now, but life gets busy.  I should be going to bed, but I am making myself type this before it gets even more overdue!

Coen is a big boy.....28 lbs (90th percentile) and 32.5 inches (53rd percentile).  And his head is in the 95th percentile!!  I looked back to Sierra's baby book and she did not weigh 28 lbs until she was 2.5!  It is crazy.  My brother and I were both chubby toddlers, so I guess that's where he gets it from.  I'm not surprised since he looks like a clone of my brother.  We were both huge babies so I am thankful Coen didn't get chubby until after he started walking.  Although isn't that backwards, don't you usually slim down when you start running around?!

Coen is now a full blown toddler. No more baby :(  He throws fits, gets into everything, and is curious.  He wants to do things on his own now.  He can now climb to the top of our stairs in minutes.  He found the water dispenser on our fridge and poured water everywhere!

Coen is starting to talk more.  He says "bye bye", "outside", what sounds like "milk" or could be "more".  He says "mama" all the time, and "daddy" too.  His daddy taught him how to growl so he thinks that is funny.  He also says "Nee" for Nicco (our dog).  My favorite thing he does right now is put his hands up and say "oh no!"  or "oh man!" when something doesn't go his way.

The boy loves to eat still!  He loves his "coo-coos" (cookies) and got his first taste of local Sarris Chocolate, which in my opinion is the best chocolate ever.  He was so happy:

I got a new camera, so I've been practicing with it, although I am just using the automatic settings at this point.  I want to take a class but I don't think any are offered until fall :(  This my favorite picture of Coen that I took on his actual 18 month "birthday":

Lately I've been very aware that I am approaching quite a few lasts any time now.  Simple things, like the last time I do laundry using Dreft (my jug is about empty and no need to buy more of it) to the last time I nurse Coen (yes he still nurses before bed) to the last time I have a rear facing carseat in my car.  That last one will probably be awhile still, since I am all about safety.  I keep waiting for Coen to wean himself, but he hasn't, although I am sure I could wean him fairly easily.  I'm not sure how I feel about it - it's probably time, but I can't wrap my finger around never breastfeeding again.  Plus, because I nurse him before bed, I've put him to bed every night (unless he doesn't go right down, then his daddy will take over sometimes).

How has it been 18 months already??  Seems like yesterday.  As Coen grows, I find my heart longing for another baby, yet my head says no way.  I think in all honestly, I long for Adelyn and the chance to experience her baby-hood.  I think when Coen was a baby and I was doing all the baby stuff, it was a little easier, but now that I know the end of babies in our house has come, I long for just "one more".  But I know even if I had one more, I'd always long for another - Adelyn.

I read this article at Still Standig Magazine tonight, it is so perfect:
Bittersweet - my favorite part is this:
"Babies born after loss fill you with hope. They soothe your pain and fill your aching arms. But they cannot heal your heart. They cannot fill the space that belongs to their sibling. And for every blissful moment of joy they bring - there is heartbreak woven through it all. Constant reminders of what you are missing – the moments that were stolen from you, the smiles you never saw, the tiny hands you can not hold. Every amazing milestone, every ‘first’ and every achievement – always, always bittersweet."

I think it is extra bittersweet to watch babies born after a loss grow up.  The farther away from being a baby he becomes, the farther away from Adelyn I feel in a lot of ways.

Triggers

I miss my girl tonight.  Too many triggers got to me today.

First, one of my students passed away in her sleep Sunday night/Monday morning.  She was 17.  She was a very sweet girl, I enjoyed working with her.  She always made me smile.  She had a lot of medical issues and learning disabilities, but she knew how to have fun.  I know she had seizures, so I wouldn't be suprised if she had a bad one in her sleep.

The first day I found out, I was telling a coworker (that day I was in a different building than the one the student who died attended).  She made a comment about how nonchalant I was about it all.  Well, yes, I learned to be that way, otherwise I never would have been able to survive losing my daughter!!  It made me feel bad - why wasn't I crying?  I was upset on the inside, yet wasn't showing it on the outside.

Today I was at the building that student attended.  I had to go into her classroom to work with other students.  It hit me then.  I'd never see her face again.  It felt like something was missing.  She was.

Later that day, I heard her obituary was online.  And that a 6 year old girl had died in a car accident, and her obtituary was also posted.  Those things triggered me back to my feelings when my daughter died.  I hate when people say "I can't imagine."  I can.  I should start saying that out loud.

So then I went to pick my kids up and Coen was at the sand box, not only covered in sand but also eating it.  Gross.  I HATE sand.  And then multiple times people made the comment of "He's a boy, that's what boys do."

I HATE that comment as much as I hate sand!!  First of all, it isn't an excuse to act stupidly, or aggressively, just because you are a boy.  Second, that comment reminds me of how I felt when I found out Adelyn was a girl - relieved I would not have to deal with all those yucky boy things.

But here I am, dealing with them after all.  Don't get me wrong, I love my son.  I just don't love everything that comes with having a son.  Dirt, sports, independence, activeness, etc.  Hearing that comment, I think that if Adelyn had lived, I wouldn't have to deal with those things.  And then I instantly feel guilty because had she lived, I wouldn't have Coen and I can't imagine my life without him.

I guess things don't really change that much after all.  I just hate the guilt I feel when it comes to Adelyn and Coen.  I just wish I could have them both.