Triggers

I miss my girl tonight.  Too many triggers got to me today.

First, one of my students passed away in her sleep Sunday night/Monday morning.  She was 17.  She was a very sweet girl, I enjoyed working with her.  She always made me smile.  She had a lot of medical issues and learning disabilities, but she knew how to have fun.  I know she had seizures, so I wouldn't be suprised if she had a bad one in her sleep.

The first day I found out, I was telling a coworker (that day I was in a different building than the one the student who died attended).  She made a comment about how nonchalant I was about it all.  Well, yes, I learned to be that way, otherwise I never would have been able to survive losing my daughter!!  It made me feel bad - why wasn't I crying?  I was upset on the inside, yet wasn't showing it on the outside.

Today I was at the building that student attended.  I had to go into her classroom to work with other students.  It hit me then.  I'd never see her face again.  It felt like something was missing.  She was.

Later that day, I heard her obituary was online.  And that a 6 year old girl had died in a car accident, and her obtituary was also posted.  Those things triggered me back to my feelings when my daughter died.  I hate when people say "I can't imagine."  I can.  I should start saying that out loud.

So then I went to pick my kids up and Coen was at the sand box, not only covered in sand but also eating it.  Gross.  I HATE sand.  And then multiple times people made the comment of "He's a boy, that's what boys do."

I HATE that comment as much as I hate sand!!  First of all, it isn't an excuse to act stupidly, or aggressively, just because you are a boy.  Second, that comment reminds me of how I felt when I found out Adelyn was a girl - relieved I would not have to deal with all those yucky boy things.

But here I am, dealing with them after all.  Don't get me wrong, I love my son.  I just don't love everything that comes with having a son.  Dirt, sports, independence, activeness, etc.  Hearing that comment, I think that if Adelyn had lived, I wouldn't have to deal with those things.  And then I instantly feel guilty because had she lived, I wouldn't have Coen and I can't imagine my life without him.

I guess things don't really change that much after all.  I just hate the guilt I feel when it comes to Adelyn and Coen.  I just wish I could have them both.