Happy 2nd Birthday!

Happy Birthday Adelyn! This quote couldn't say it better.

Tears

For awhile now, I have felt like I had tears that needed to come.  Something would happen and it would make me sad, I'd stop and wait for the tears, and they wouldn't come.  It was like I was numb.  It bothered me.  Usually after I cry I feel better, and I knew I needed a good cry.

Well, today it happened.  And of course, something completely unrelated to Adelyn sparked them.   That's how the ugly grief monster goes.

But actually, what looks like it had nothing to do with Adelyn, in fact, may have had everything to do with her.

I've been feeling overwhelmed between adjusting to work, lack of time to do what I want, not enough sleep, housework piling up, etc.  Plus this time of year just brings back so much, no matter how hard I try to not let it.  The weather, the dates, everything.

I'm the type of person that doesn't speak up when something bothers me.  Very often, people, even friends, innocently say things that upset me.  Example, people talking about how hard it is to have three children.  I wouldn't know what it's like to have three kids in my house to care for, but I am sure it's not easy.  But, it can't possibly be harder than parenting two kids on Earth and one in Heaven.  I am positive of that.

Yet, when people say things that hurt my feelings unknowingly, I say nothing.  I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable, but in turn I make myself feel uncomfortable.  I walk away, or if I can't I listen and say nothing.  I go home and vent to my husband or a good friend.  The feelings dwindle with time.

Or so I think.

What really happens, is they are stored.  And stored.  And stored. And in the month of September, there are LOTS of them to be stored.  Everything bothers me more, I get angry very easily, I am overprotective of my children.  Someone does something to my kid, and I could fly off the handle right then and there.  This is something you just can't understand until you lose a child.  Your job as a mother is to protect your child, and you couldn't protect them from death.  You know the pain of losing a child, and it hurts so much you do everything in your power to NEVER let it happen again.  Not that it's in your control.  Your other child lived through losing a sibling and you don't want to ever see them upset.  No mother wants to, but I truly believe it is greatly magnified in a mother who has a child in Heaven.

I'm angry lately.  Very, very angry.  Angry that there was another baby at my cousin's baptism also named Adalyn - why did they get to keep their Adalyn?  I'm angry that 3 baby girls were born to teachers I work with in the last two weeks.  The worst time of year for that.  I'm angry that someone else's second daughter lived and mine didn't.  Of course I am glad for them, but sad for me if that makes sense (I would never wish the death of a baby on anyone).  I'm angry that the doctors let me do a version.  I'm angry that the doctor that delivered Adelyn didn't give me a c-section.  I have no idea if  I had a c-section, the outcome would have been different.  But I'm angry nonetheless.  I'm angry at the hospital for not calling Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I'm angry I don't have pictures of her feet.  I'm angry I don't have any pictures of her in her clothes.  I'm angry that I don't like any of her pictures.

I told you I was angry.  So, where is all this anger?  Well, it's stored in there, waiting for just the right trigger to relese it.

And that's exactly what happened yesterday and into today.  I don't want to use that as an excuse, but I know it's what happened.  I know I've been easily angered lately, I have even told a few friends that I need to stop letting little things bother me.

But when you are 3 days away from the 2nd anniversary of your daughter's death, it's easier said than done.

I just hope that things are going to be ok.  I've been crying all night.  I have a headache from crying, my contacts were stuck to my eyes.  Not a good night.

Hoping I wake up to a better day.  I decided to take the day off from work, a mental health day - and that is the truth.  Sorry for the rant, and negative post, but it's how I feel right now and writing it out makes me feel better.

Overload

I'm on overload.

September is not my month.  For the obvious reason, yes.  But also because it is SO hard to get back in the swing of working again.  I've been back to work for one full month now and finally I don't feel so overwhelmed that I want to run away.  The beginning of the year stuff is SO hard and stressful.  Trying to schedule 60 some students for therapy sessions between 3 different buildings.  Add in the lack of space in all the buildings, so I have to share rooms at 2 of those buildings and work around those teachers' schedules as well.  Some things didn't work out, so I had to change them around. 

My computer at one of my buildings crashed, so I've been without a computer there since school started.  There is no space at my one school, and I overlap a half day with the person I share rooms with, so I have to see kids in the teachers' lounge.  No computer there either!

I got my usual Labor Day cold, and with it came a lot of sinus pain and I had a headache off and on for almost 2 weeks.  Hubby had it too and so did Coen, but somehow Sierra escaped it.  Then as soon as I finally felt better, we got this stomach thing where we just couldn't eat and had the worst stomach cramps.  That lasted awhile too.  One thing after another.  Being sort of sick, taking care of kids, and working full time - not easy.

Also adjusting to the lack of "me" time.  There are so many things I want to do, and I just can't get them done.  Then I feel guilty if I don't spend my time home with the kids because I don't see them much.  Literally 20 minutes in the morning - Sierra is cranky and Coen just wants fed and is a nightmare to change anymore.  Then I pick them up and attempt to cook while Sierra whines and Coen screams until I feed him.  Then it's bath and bed time shortly after.  So, I miss most of their "happy" time when I am working.  It sucks.

Then I have been trying to organize my house and clear out baby gear and clothes that we don't need, and make a little cash in the process.  That is a huge job, and sad to get rid of it all.  I hope I don't change my mind about having more kids!

And of course, Adelyn's birthday coming up is playing a big role in my emotional state.  I am trying not to dwell on the what ifs and could haves, but it's hard.  I have been very angry about it all over again, and trying to push through.  I know I just need to have a good cry, yet I just can't.  A friend sent me the most perfect gift and I still couldn't cry.  I'm holding it in, pushing through, but I just don't feel like myself right now.

I miss her.  I want people to remember her, yet sometimes I want to be "normal" and not be the one whose baby died.  Sometimes I want to forget that this happened to me.  If only it were that easy.

11 Days

11 days.

Just 11 days separate two dates that represent opposite moments in my life.

September 29, 2010 - the worst day of my life.

October 10, 2011 - one of the best days of my life, if not THE best.

How can this be?  How am I supposed to go from the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life, to first anniversary of the best?  That's a whole lot of emotion to cover in just 11 days.

I didn't realize it would be this hard to have their birthdays so close together.  When we thought about trying again, the only thing I cared about was that our next baby was born  after Adelyn's 1st birthday, and not in September.

I actually really wanted an October baby, for many reasons.  I wanted a baby ASAP, and October is obviously the first month after her first birthday.  But also, for work reasons - I knew I couldn't handle working while pregnant.  I work with kids, who don't understand what happened with Adelyn, and I couldn't bear having to explain should something go wrong again.  I also couldn't handle people making a big fuss over me and asking me if I was excited.  Nope - just terrified and guilty.  I figured I could hide being pregnant until the end of the school year then not go back until after the baby was born.  That's exactly what I did, somehow - not sure how people didn't suspect.  October does have my favorite birthstone too (not that boys care about that, but it's an excuse to have someone buy me opals).

I thought having another baby so close to Adelyn's birthday would be helpful. I thought it would make this time of year happier.  I thought still getting to plan a fall birthday would be helpful, even though it wasn't for the baby I thought it would be 2 years ago.

I was wrong.  So, so wrong.  Having their birthday just 11 days apart is SO hard.  I feel rushed, like I have to push aside my grief in remembering Adelyn so I can plan Coen's birthday.  I feel like as soon as hers is over, I have to turn my emotions in a completely opposite direction in order to celebrate the miracle of his birth, the greatest day, when joy was restored to our lives.  I feel like I am jipping Coen, because his birthday is always going to be a little overshadowed with Adelyn's.  There will always be some sadness this time of year.  I just hope that once we turn the calendars to October, that I will start to get excited for his birthday.  Right now, I'm just not there.  It probably doesn't help that I just don't want my baby to turn 1 already :(

Another Adelyn

I have never known anyone named Adelyn before.  Of course, I had heard of the name before I used it - but honestly I really cannot remember how.  I know I loved Madelyn but wanted something different, as Madelyn was super popular.  That's how I decided on Adelyn.

Today we went to a baptism for the first baby girl born into our extended family since Adelyn.  I had a hard time with this baby for a few weeks, and since then I have been fine.  She is the one I bought the bow holder for (this post) and this weekend I remembered how to make bows and made her 2.  I was proud.

Well, we were on our way to her house, when I got a text from my cousin.  She wanted to warn me that the mother of the baby getting baptized has a cousin whose daughter is named Adalyn and she was there.

Great.  I started feeling sick to my stomach.  It's not like I have a copyright to that name, but I wish I did!  I had no clue how old this Adalyn was, but thankfully she was just a baby so no one was calling her name out loud.  I would not have been able to handle that.  I hope everyone else was warned too, because I can only imagine the look on anyone in our family's face if they asked what the baby's name was, only to hear "Adalyn."  It's spelled different, I only know because my other cousin told me. 

I was standing in line to get food, with Sierra dressed in a hot pink tutu with a sparkly pink flower  headband - ultra girly.  Yet, as I looked over and saw the pink cake and pink plates, my heart sank.  I can't explain it - I have a very girly daughter, yet sometimes the sight of pink makes me sad.

It was all just what I needed today, to make me miss her more.

What are the Chances?

September 13, 2010 - I had a routine dr. appointment after work, I was almost 39 weeks pregnant with Adelyn.  The dr. didn't think he felt her head, and sent me right away for an ultrasound since I was already so far along. Sure enough, he was right and she was breech.  I was devastated.  I was deathly afraid of a c-section.  I didn't know what to do.  I spoke to the dr. after the appointment, and he said I had two choices: schedule a c-section a few days later, or try to turn her.  He did not offer much information, and when I asked he really didn't recommend one way or the other.  Isn't that a dr.'s job?  I was confused, but I think I immediately knew I wanted to try to turn her.  If the dr. gave me it as an option, it had to be safe, right? 

Apparently not.  I still struggle with the guilt of that decision.  I try not to dwell on it, but if I let myself think too much I start to feel sick to m stomach.  While we don't know for sure what caused Adelyn to die, we think it was a combination of many things, one of them being the version to turn her.  If only I had chose differently.....

September 13, 2011 - I had my weekly ultrasound/biophysical profile.  Coen had been breech at every single ultrasound since my 19 week scan.  I woke up feeling different, and was pretty sure he had flipped. Sure enough, another ultrasound at the same exact place that told me Adelyn was breech one year earlier, told me this time that Coen was NOT.

It blew my mind last year.  I remembered the dates of all these events related to Adelyn, and posted about it then.  One year later, it still seems so ironic.  I mean, what are the chances of it being the exact same date? 

Really missing my girl lately, as all these dates start to hit.   Wake me up when September ends.

11 Months

Yesterday Coen was 11 months old.  I spent my evening trying to take some decent pictures for his "Baby's First Year" frame and baby book.  It was tough, he has a little cold and wasn't his usual happy self.  So.....no time to blog last night!

How can it be that my baby will be turning 1 in a month?!  I am so not ready for this, literally!

What's new with Coen?  Well, he pulls up on everything, sits down, then pulls back up.  He cruises along the furniture, toys, anything he can get his hands on.  He loves balls and throws them everywhere.  You could probably find about 10 under our couches at any given time.  Coen babbles a lot now, and I can't decide if he has said his first word or not.  He says what sounds like "ball" a lot, but I am not sure if he is really referring to a ball.  Coen likes to say "whoa" a lot, and I think it is the cutest thing.  He also says "mama" a lot, but hasn't yet reached for me and said it.  I may melt when he does......

This boy can eat!  Oh my!  I fear the teenage years.  As soon as he sees me in the kitchen, he screams until I feed him.  This month he tried pork, turkey, ground beef, broccoli, spaghetti, grapes, strawberries, yogurt.  Pretty much now he eats whatever we eat for dinner, with a few exceptions.  I use a food mill usually to make it a better consistency for him, especially the meat and anything with skin (like zucchini), since Coen still only has two teeth.  I was able to successfully wean him off the lunchtime nursing session, right when I went back to work.  I was really nervous about it, because being engorged brings back bad memories.  But I wasn't, which leads me to believe it was the right time and he wasn't drinking much anyway.  I had hoped to still give him a bottle of frozen breastmilk while I was at work, since I still have so much to use up, but he refused the bottle.  Typical boy, got used to the real thing.  So we moved to sippy cups, and after trying a few kinds, he took to these:

I got these at my baby shower for Sierra and never used them.  Fitting that they are rainbow colored for our little rainbow!

I was worried I was going to have to throw away an entire freezer full of frozen breastmilk, but lately Coen seems to be drinking it with his food.  I still have a lot to use, so he gets cereal with breastmilk for breakfast every morning.  I still nurse him 3 times a day, and it seems to still be going well. 

Coen's favorite toys are the shape sorter, anything with balls to throw, and his shopping cart.  He pushes it around and it reminds me so much of Sierra at this age.

Coen is wearing size 12 month clothes.  I buy ahead and last year bought mostly 18 months because I didn't think 12 months would last all winter.  Well, they are huge!  Hoping he grows soon, but we do have enough 12 months fall clothes to get by.  I just don't think they are going to last long.  According to my scale, he is 21.5 pounds and 29 inches tall.  I really need to get him out of his infant carseat!!!

A lot of random thoughts tonight, but I'm tired and fighting the same cold Coen has.  Here is our little man on his 11 month "birthday" - I can't believe there is only one empty space left in his first year frame!

He loves to go in his big sister's room, and play with her doll crib.  LOL this will be a good one when he is older!