Friday, March 29, 2013

How Things Can Change in 2.5 years

Today marks 2 and a half years since Adelyn died.

I promise I wasn't sitting around, looking at dates, waiting for this day.  I had just been thinking about how next month Sierra turns 5 and Coen turns 18 months, they are exactly 3.5 years apart.  Since Adelyn was born a month before Coen, and on the 29th of the month, I sort of put two and two together and realized that today she would have been 2 and a half.  Not that 2 and a half is really a significant date to celebrate in a child's life.  After 18 months, those "half" birthdays aren't really a big deal.  No half year check ups, and after 2 I stopped getting professional pictures done as often.

However, I got to thinking......2 and a half sort of IS a big deal to me.  Why?  Because that is just about the exact age Sierra was when Adelyn was born/died.

I remember Sierra so clearly at that age - how she was the only thing that got me to smile.  I remember her running out of the bathtub one night, maybe a week after Adelyn died, and shaking her hips at me, saying "Mommy, I'm maked" (that's how she said naked for a long time, so cute).  It may have been the first time I truly laughed - how could you not?

Yet, a lot of that time in Sierra's life is a blur to me.  It's hard to look back at pictures of her that age,  because it reminds me of how much I was hurting.  It's so hard.....I want to remember those precious moments with her, and there were many.  I was well aware how precious they were, more than I ever had been.  But on the other hand, I want to forget that time in my life.   The crying in the car, the aching arms, the emptiness, the search for answers, how I mad the lyrics in every song I heard somehow relate to Adelyn, the pain in my heart when I saw sisters, the jealousy every time I heard someone else was having a girl, the guilt in my choices during my pregnancy......those things I'd like to forget.  But I can't.

And so tonight, I just feel emotional.  I can't explain it.  My mind is thinking about so many things.  Yes, I'm thinking about and missing Adelyn.  I do that every day.  But tonight I am thinking a lot about how fast time is going.  2.5 years since Adelyn's heart last beat.....and next month my big girl turns 5.  This is probably what Adelyn would look like if she was here today:

This is Sierra at 2.5.  I remember this being a favorite photo of mine.  I remember sending a thank you e-mail to coworkers right before I went back to work.  I couldn't bear to write out thank you cards, so I sent an e-mail.  Since I didn't have a baby to send pictures of, I attached some of Sierra and this was one of them.  I still remember that.

My, how much has changed in 2.5 years.  Sierra looks like a toddler in that picture.  Now she is definitely a little girl.  I don't even want to think about how different things will be in another 2.5 years.  She won't want to hold my hand when we walk down the street anymore.  She'll probably call me "Mom" and not "Mommy."   I wonder if she will still think what I say is the most important thing in the world. Right now, I often hear her telling her dad, "But Mommy said I have to do this." Every  night when I tuck her into bed, she quietly says, "But Mommy, you don't want to lay with me for a little bit?"  Sometimes I just want to go watch TV or do something for myself, but in that moment, I stop and think about how someday I will have all the time in the world and will long to hear that little voice ask me to lay with her, so I stay and I hold on to her tightly until she falls asleep.

Today I tried to put Coen down for a nap without rocking him. He screamed until I caved, about 30 minutes later.  I picked him up, and he fell right asleep on me.  I wondered why I worried about the 15 extra minutes it takes to rock him to sleep, when in 2.5 years he will be way too big to hold like that.  And then I wanted to sit there and hold him for his entire nap. goes so fast.  2.5 years ago, I never could have imagined I'd be where I am today.  Happy, smiling, the mother of a boy ;)   But here I am - trying to cherish every moment along the way.  You just never know what tomorrow will bring.


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