My baby is growing up and tonight I am just not ok with it.
It's hard, letting go. And my goodness he is only 17 months old (today!) - but he is no longer a baby, he is definitely a toddler. It's going by way too fast.
There are so many reasons, so many factors involved, but I feel like I am taking him growing up so much harder than I did with Sierra.
One reason is, he is my last baby, so I know I will never get to experience all the wonders of babies and toddlers again. This is a fun, adorable age right now, but it's the last time I get to experience it. When Sierra was this age, I assumed I would get to do it again, and I was also very naive about life.
Another reason is, I went through so much to have Coen. I did not bond with him at all until he was born, and I still feel guilty about that. However, because of losing Adelyn and his emotionally difficult pregnancy, I definitely understood more how precious every moment is and cherished them way more than I did with Sierra.
Random reason....but I also feel like Coen growing up is harder because he is a boy. How long is it going to be before he prefers doing boy stuff with daddy to me? Then I see so many men - my own husband included - who rarely call their mothers. I know that part is way in the future, but I do think about it. It would break my heart if Coen treated me that way.
Some days, I still wonder if I was cut out to be the mom of a boy. It's hard for me, in a lot of ways. I worried before he was born, but turns out having a boy baby was no different than a girl baby, except you got peed on. But as he gets bigger, it most certainly changes. I worry that I won't be able to relate to him, like I do with Sierra. She is just like me, so it's easy for me to understand her. Boys are SO different!
1 week ago