Wednesday, July 4, 2012

4th of July Vent

Once again, this holiday has shown just how far I have come since last year, but also reminded me that I'm still not the person I once was.  Even though things are better, they are not "normal" and it still hurts.

Our neighbors always have a big backyard party on the 4th, or the 3rd, with food, talking, drinks and lots of fireworks.  The year I was pregnant with Adelyn we went, and Sierra had a blast running around with all the kids.  Last year, I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't want to be social or be around people.  I was miserable, heavily missing my girl, thinking of the matching onesie I had bought for her to wear - the one that matched the shirt that Sierra did wear.  My family also has a big picnic on the 4th, with swimming and lots of food.  We have a tradition where we dress up and march in a parade around the block.  Last year, I just didn't want to go.  I was pregnant and grieving, and feeling guilty about it all.  I hated talking about being pregnant, and I hated being fussed over.  I was happy to be given the chance for another baby, but I felt guilty and let's face it, I was scared.  After all, I learned the hardest way possible that there are no guarantees in life.  Everyone else seemed so sure that it couldn't possible happen twice to one person - but I know it can.

So this year, I looked forward to going to both parties.  However, a conversation just completely rubbed me the wrong way and made me angry.  I do realize that no, people do not think before they speak, and no, they don't mean to upset me.  BUT....that doesn't make it hurt less.  It just makes me feel like people already forget what I went through.  And it makes me so mad.

I was talking to someone who is due in 3 weeks or so, someone who was actually a very good support to me after Adelyn died.  However, I do feel like since Coen was born, she seems to have "forgot" that I still hurt.  She has made comments about the birth of her other 2 kids in front of me, something to the effect of how worried her mom was because of all the things that "could go wrong."  That just hurt my feelings, and made me feel uncomfortable.  I don't like talking about birth complications, obviously. Then she went on and on to ME about what she was going to do if this baby was another girl.  Um, really - to ME?  Do you know what I would give for my other girl?  Thankfully, she is having a boy so I thought I was in the clear.

Wrong.  At the party, she was talking about how her other daughter keeps saying she wishes the baby was a girl instead of a boy and how bad she feels now.  Not that she wanted double the drama with 2 girls, but she maybe would like her to have a sister but there are no guarantees if she had another baby, that it would be a girl. 

Something about this comment made my blood boil.  She was really going to sit there and tell me how sorry she feels for HER daughter?  I was livid.....I said nothing except that if I could be guaranteed another girl, I would want to have another baby also.  But inside I was angry.  Did she forget already what MY daughter went through?  My daughter thought she was getting a sister for 5 months, and then her sister died.  She watched her parents grieve and didn't understand.  She was 2 and a half at the time.  No toddler should have to experience that.  Then she watched her friends' baby sisters come home, and asked why did they get to keep their babies.  Then I got pregnant again, and she was confused.  I think she thought Adelyn was going to come back.  We told her the baby could be a boy this time, and she would get angry and say that she didn't like baby boys and that we were supposed to have a girl baby.  Once she met her brother, she didn't seem to care.  But, to this day, sometimes she STILL asks why we have a boy baby here and a girl baby in the sky and why can't we have a girl baby here too.  It literally breaks my heart.

Yet, I should feel sorry for the other little girl?  I'm sorry, I just can't.  I understand that she in no way meant to hurt my feelings, and probably doesn't even realize she did.  I didn't say anything, and I probably should have.  But I was afraid I would come off as rude, because I was really mad.  And I didn't want to make things awkward because this is someone I can't avoid.  However, it's the 3rd time she has said things that have upset me, and I don't think I will be able to let it go if it happens again.  I just hope she doesn't complain to me about how hard it is to have 3 kids.....because I may lose it.

Maybe I overreacted, but my husband and I had a long talk about it.  He didn't think I did.  He says when people complain to him, he will make comments about how it's better than having a baby die.  He doesn't care about making others feel uncomfortable, nor does he care what others think or if he comes off as rude.  I need to gather my strength and start standing up for myself, because unfortunately, these kinds of situations and feelings are never going to go away.  When you live after losing a baby, this is just how your life is.

Ok...vent over.  Today I was able to put that conversation behind me for the most part.  However, I swear that Sierra reads my mind because it never fails for her to bring up Adelyn when I am missing her.  And she did just that today at breakfast.  I'm not sure how it came up, but she was talking about the order my babies were born and knew that Adelyn came after her and then went up to the sky.  Then she wondered out loud what she was doing up there, and we talked about how we were sure she could see the fireworks from up there.  She wanted to know why she had to live in a different place than us, and doesn't really understand that we don't know the answer to that question either.

We did go to the family picnic, it was ridiculously hot when we got there.  After I got the kids ready for the pool,  I got my bathing suit and sunblock on, and then it was thundering and lightning so I couldn't go in!  Frustrating!!  It started raining so we were stuck in the garage for a bit.  The best part of the day was introducing Coen to extended family.  I will NEVER tire of hearing how cute my baby is, and seeing people gush over him.  It is something I waited for 2 years to do, and it makes me so happy to have a baby to show off!

I wasn't able to get any good pictures.....Coen doesn't sit still for a second.  Plus it was so hot that we all looked sweaty and had crazy hair!  That's ok, I will take the bad pictures, because I really am thankful to just have a living baby to photograph.

Happy 4th of July!  I have always loved fireworks, but now they are even more special because I feel like it's something that just maybe we can send up to heaven for everyone to enjoy.


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