Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Plan

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I feel confident that this is true. That God has a plan for me. This plan maybe is going to reveal to me WHY. Why was I the one chosen to have my baby die? Why did she have to die? I really believe somehow it is going to be revealed to me as His plan unfolds. I'm having a hard time being patient. I want to know NOW. So many things have been thrown my way to make losing my daughter HARDER, not easier. Let's see......neighbor that I really like had a baby girl in December. I'm kinda ok with it now, although I really just have to not think too much when she is out. The baby's mom has been really kind and considerate since I reached out to her and told her how hard it was for me. However, a few times I glanced out my window on a weekend or day off while I was doing stuff in the house and saw Sierra's baby-sitter crouched down and touching/looking at/playing with the baby and my heart just completely sank. She should be doing that to MY baby, too. She was supposed to watch her, too. Then one of the other moms whose 2 older girls go to the same baby-sitter had another girl about 4 weeks ago. She was over there today, for what reason I do not know - she is not back to work yet and she does not live in our neighborhood. I was kind of angry about it - you have all day to go hang out over there, do you have to show up at exactly the time I need to go pick my kid up? Two baby girls in that driveway is just too much for me right now. I could see the moms talking from afar and my mind went there - imaging what they were talking about. Thinking about how I should be standing there with my baby girl too, discussing feeding and teething and sleeping habits. Wondering why life has to be so cruel. At least they could have had boys, which would have been a little easier for me to deal with I think. Then there are the 8 baby girls born in a row at work in the past 6 months, and my brother and sister in law expecting their second baby in August. So many things.

Please God, can you reveal just a little bit to me? Can you help me to understand why all these things had to happen to me on top of my baby dying? I know there is a reason, it is part of your plan. But I am really struggling to understand it all right now. I just need to understand, to know a little more, so that I can stop feeling so frustrated.


Amy von Oven said...

I asked myself these questions SO many times...I believe that ALL life has a plan and even our children that left as too soon had and have a plan. Through their death we are their voice and they are reaching so many people who need help getting through this journey. I never got a reason as to why my daughter died and that has been hard...It is hard to understand that GOd has bigger plans sometimes. I will pray for you because I struggle with these SAME questions so very much.... HUGS and prayers to you!

Nicole said...


Feel free to check out my personal blog or my photography blog dedicated to my angel girl and my boyfriend. Portion of the proceeds go to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.

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