Birthday Girl!

Today my big girl turned 3. I can't even believe it. Where does the time go? Sometimes I wish she would stay little, but then it seems as if every year, every stage I find myself saying "this is my favorite age." I probably won't be saying that when she is 13, however!

I have really enjoyed making photo montages to music lately. Of course I decided that Sierra needed one, and of course I had the song picked out months ago. "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. This is referred to in our family as "Sierra's Song." From the first moment I heard it, it has always reminded me of her. I remember driving around last summer, and it was on, and I would get all teary eyed from the pregnancy hormones. I have written about this before - I would think "I am the luckiest woman alive" - because I had this perfect, beautiful little girl singing along with me in the backseat, and another one on the way. Or so I thought.

At Adelyn's funeral, I decided that we would play this song for Sierra at the very end. Just so that when everyone else heard it, they would think of her. A little sunshine to a very sad day. It worked like a charm, although it still gets me teary eyed when I hear it. Every time.

As I searched through the thousands of pictures of Sierra, things sort of hit me a bit. I didn't realize it would be SO emotional. There are so many reasons why. I look at myself back then and I feel like I almost don't recognize that person - so happy, naive, natural. Nothing was forced, unlike today where smiles just sometimes seem fake. I long to be that person again, but how can I be? You cannot live through losing your child without becoming a bit more guarded and having sadness be a part of many moments of each day. I also looked at all those moments and realized once again that we will never get to share those with Adelyn. Another big reason this was hard - and this may seem a bit superficial, but no mother of a daughter doesn't get all excited about all the cute girly clothes. You have to admit Sierra was/is one well-dressed girl (all on a budget of course, remember I am married to an accountant). I was weird about taking pictures of her in all my favorite outfits, so looking back through them reminded me of all those adorable girly outfits. I was really so excited and looking forward to Adelyn wearing all those things. At the same time, on a positive note, the pictures reminded me of how blessed we are to have this little girl here with us, to provide us with such happiness. We were able to share all those moments with her, provide her with so many things that many parents cannot do. She is happy, so healthy, meeting all her developtmental milestones on track, and beautiful. It could be SO much worse. However, lately I have been stuck in the "not fair" mode. That story I will save for another post. Hopefully I can pull myself out of it.

So today, Sierra had breakfast with the Easter bunny, rode the rainbow train, jumped in the Bouncy House, fed baby animals a bottle of milk, made a potted plant, swung on her new swingset, and went to get ice cream. I'd say she is a happy little girl, and that uplifts my heart, at least for today. We love you Sierra Ashley! The best thing to ever happen to us.