12/12/12

12/12/12 was the date of the annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Service at the hospital where Adelyn was born.  We have gone every year.  I can't believe this is the 3rd one, the 3rd Christmas without Adelyn.

Back in 2010, it was the first time I had been back in that hospital since leaving without Adelyn.  It was hard, but I'm so glad I went.  It was here that I first met a fellow baby loss mom who had lost her precious baby girl exactly two weeks after Adelyn, in the same hospital.  And, if you can believe it, she stayed in the same room as I was in with Adelyn.  When I was at the hospital again to have Coen, the nurse that helped me the day Coen was born and also the day I was discharged, was the same nurse that took care of her when her baby was born/died.  Just one more way the two of us are connected....her daughter's name is Addy (short for Adeline).  Isn't that crazy?  I truly believe our girls brought us together.  She has been a great support for me these past two years.  We don't often find the time to get together, but we text a lot and she always understands.  Although our situations are different in other ways - mainly she doesn't have any other living children, yet - we were going through the same things at the same time, in simlar "stages" of grief also.  She was even brave enough to come up to the family birth center to see Coen the day he was born because she was there for one of the support group meetings.  I might add that this was only a few days before her daughter's first birthday in Heaven.

Anyway, back to this year's service.  My stomach was in knots on the way.  Over 2 years and even after the birth of a healthy baby at that hospital, and I still don't like the place very much.  Of course Sierra had to use the bathroom almost as soon as we got there.  I dreaded it.....because the smell of the soap there makes me sick.  It reminds me of being there after Adelyn died.

The kids behaved rather well.  Sometimes I wish we wouldn't bring them, so we can hear the speakers and socialize afterwards a bit more.  But, I want my kids to be involved and to remember Adelyn with us.  There aren't many memories of her, but we can form new memories as a family as we do things to remember her.  Plus, after being away from my kids all day, I hate to leave them at night too.

There was a speaker there who lost her son in a car accident 31 years ago, and she is also a certified grief counselor.  I found myself nodding in agreement to so many things she said.  Actually to everything she said.  I wish other people could hear her speak, so they could get how I feel, and realize that it is normal.  I will never get "over" it, I will never be the old me, and I don't need to go to counseling to talk with someone who has never experienced this.  I don't see how in the world they could help me.  Because yes there are stages of grief, but it's not like you go through the stages and that's it, you are done grieving.  As the speaker said, you are never done grieving.  We will grieve for our children until the day we die.  Grief comes and goes, it has its peaks and valleys over time.  Certain times will probably always cause a peak in my grief, like the month of September and the holidays.  Other things are random.  For example, I'll go weeks of listening to Sierra talk about a little girl at her baby-sitter's house who is around the age Adelyn would be and it doesn't phase me.  And then it will hit me that this is what it would be like to see her with her little sister and my heart sinks.

Hearing this woman talk about how her son died on the way to that very hospital, and how she couldn't step foot in it for a couple years - it made me feel "normal".  In fact it made me feel pretty good, it only took me a few months.  And also hearing that 31 years later, she is still grieving and still does things in her son's memory, validates how I feel.  Often times, that's all I want, are my feelings validated.  I don't want to be told to move on, or get over it, to seek counseling, that I should be grateful for my living kids, that at least I have other kids.....etc.  All things the speaker talked about.  She referred to people who haven't lost a child was "civilians" which I thought was kind of funny, but fitting.  Losing a baby puts you in the club no one wants to be in - the "baby loss mom" club.  No one else will ever understand.

All in all, even though it is still hard to go in that hospital, I am glad we went.  It was nice to talk to others in the "club", even if it was briefly.  And even if I am exhausted tonight because we didn't get home till after 9, and by the time we put the kids to bed, did dishes, packed lunches and got everything ready for the next day - I didn't get in bed until midnight.