Saturday, September 21, 2013

September

Here it is, September.  The month I dread.  Yet, this year it (so far) hasn't been that bad.  I've been so caught up in life that I haven't had time to think about things.  On one hand, that's good.  Enjoying the now instead of being caught up in past events.  But on the other hand, I'm feeling very detached from my middle child.  It's a fine line I walk......I don't want to forget, and I know I never will, but at the same time remembering is almost too painful sometimes.  I feel like her memory is slipping away.  Or I am pushing it away because I want to be "normal," the old me, the one who isn't part of the babyloss community.  Other parts of me would never want to be the old me, because the new me is better in some ways.  I appreciate little things so much more, I believe I love my children deeper than ever.  Confusing, yes, but such is my life.

It's hard to believe my girl would be 3 next week.  I can't even imagine her being 3.  One night I was catching up on one of my favorite shows, So You Think You Can Dance.  I rarely have time to watch tv (or blog!) now that I am back to work.  For some reason, this performance caught me off guard:

I had never heard the song before, and the routine is about prejudice.  Yet, it just drew me in and went right to my heart.  A very random trigger.  As I watched, it seemed to hit me that it was really September and that I should be planning a birthday party for a 3 year old little girl.  And then I started thinking about how I couldn't even imagine Adelyn at 3.  A few minutes later I was browsing Facebook and came across a photo of Sierra on her 3rd birthday.  It wasn't even on my page, so it's not like I was looking for it.  Gave me chills.....like a sign from Adelyn.  I'm guessing she would have looked a lot like Sierra.

And so it begins.......those "dates" that are the only memories I really have of Adelyn.  I actually forgot one of them this year, not until I sat down to blog tonight did I remember probably the worst one.  September 15th, the day we had the version to turn her, the worst decision I ever made.  I cannot believe that date came and went and I didn't think of it.  I think I was too focused on September 22nd (her original due date), and of course her actual birthday, and the day we came home with an empty carseat, and the last day I held her at the funeral home, and the day of her memorial service.  But, you see what I mean - the details are becoming more fuzzy and that kills me.  It hurts less to not remember I guess, but that just makes it hurt in other ways, because I feel guilty that I am forgetting details.  Sigh......

Praying we make it through the next week or so the best we can.  This time of year just brings back a lot of memories.  But it seems to be easier this year, which means it will probably hit me one day so hard I won't be able to breathe.  Because that's what grief does..........

1 comments:

Heidi Koch said...

Thinking of you this week, Lisa. Your story, and your sweet Adelyn, will never be far from my heart. I continue to pray that your heart will find as much peace and healing as possible someday. Take good care of yourself and those beautiful kids of yours. ♥

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