3

Sunday was Adelyn's 3rd birthday.  I guess mommy guilt doesn't care if your child is on Earth or in heaven.  Feeling beyond guilty that I didn't write a blog on her birthday.  Also feeling guilty that I didn't order the flowers I wanted to plant in her garden since last spring :(

But we still remembered her on her birthday.  We went to church at Duquesne, which is where we got married and where Adelyn's funeral was and where Coen got baptized.  Feeling badly that Sierra seems left out here, but we never thought to have her baptized there (instead she was baptized at the church I grew up going to).  Since Adelyn's birthday fell on a Sunday and being where her funeral was makes me feel close to her, we decided to go.  Well, wouldn't you know we got there and there was a special mass honoring the priest who married us, performed Adelyn's funeral and baptized Coen?  He was being honored for 40 years in the priesthood.  On Adelyn's birthday.  Think what you want, but I take it as a sign from Adelyn.  It was pretty neat.

We came home after mass and had lunch and relaxed.  Sierra and I made a butterfly cake - attempt #2.  Our first try failed and of course I wanted to cry because grief always makes little things seem way worse.  I didn't know the pan had to be turned over so it would come out without breaking apart.  Oops!  Try #2 was a success:

The #3 candle is the same one we used on Sierra's 3rd birthday.  I rinsed it off and saved it for Coen's next year.

We ate an early dinner and had a few close family members over around 7.  I didn't get any good photos of the kids wearing their "Adelyn's big sister/little brother" shirts or near her garden.  But we did get this nice picture of us releasing a sky lantern to her:

If only Coen hadn't spit milk and got food all over his "Adelyn's little brother" shirt, this probably would have been a new favorite picture!

We released 3 lanterns for her and it was so beautiful.  Then we had cake and sang to her also.  It was a pretty good day.  Although I found myself feeling rather angry about halfway through it.  Mostly because a few people didn't mention anything or say anything.  I think that is what hurts the  most, when people (especially those who had really been there for us previously) forget.  It kills me, like she is forgotten.  So I did my work out to release some of my anger, and it helped.  Even though there were some who did not say anything this year, there were still plenty who did.  I try to tell myself we are blessed with some amazing friends and family and to overlook the people who forgot.  But it's hard.

This year was definitely better than last year.  That's not to say I wasn't sad, I didn't feel that sinking grief feeling in my stomach, didn't miss her like crazy.  Oh I did.  I guess I just managed it better.  I cried, I got angry, I honored her the best way I could.  I wasn't able to look through her memory box, it's been at least a year since I have.  I don't know what but I just can't.  I know if I do, the pain will come and I just can't go there, even though I probably need to.

Happy Birthday precious daughter.  3 years closer to holding you again.

September

Here it is, September.  The month I dread.  Yet, this year it (so far) hasn't been that bad.  I've been so caught up in life that I haven't had time to think about things.  On one hand, that's good.  Enjoying the now instead of being caught up in past events.  But on the other hand, I'm feeling very detached from my middle child.  It's a fine line I walk......I don't want to forget, and I know I never will, but at the same time remembering is almost too painful sometimes.  I feel like her memory is slipping away.  Or I am pushing it away because I want to be "normal," the old me, the one who isn't part of the babyloss community.  Other parts of me would never want to be the old me, because the new me is better in some ways.  I appreciate little things so much more, I believe I love my children deeper than ever.  Confusing, yes, but such is my life.

It's hard to believe my girl would be 3 next week.  I can't even imagine her being 3.  One night I was catching up on one of my favorite shows, So You Think You Can Dance.  I rarely have time to watch tv (or blog!) now that I am back to work.  For some reason, this performance caught me off guard:

I had never heard the song before, and the routine is about prejudice.  Yet, it just drew me in and went right to my heart.  A very random trigger.  As I watched, it seemed to hit me that it was really September and that I should be planning a birthday party for a 3 year old little girl.  And then I started thinking about how I couldn't even imagine Adelyn at 3.  A few minutes later I was browsing Facebook and came across a photo of Sierra on her 3rd birthday.  It wasn't even on my page, so it's not like I was looking for it.  Gave me chills.....like a sign from Adelyn.  I'm guessing she would have looked a lot like Sierra.

And so it begins.......those "dates" that are the only memories I really have of Adelyn.  I actually forgot one of them this year, not until I sat down to blog tonight did I remember probably the worst one.  September 15th, the day we had the version to turn her, the worst decision I ever made.  I cannot believe that date came and went and I didn't think of it.  I think I was too focused on September 22nd (her original due date), and of course her actual birthday, and the day we came home with an empty carseat, and the last day I held her at the funeral home, and the day of her memorial service.  But, you see what I mean - the details are becoming more fuzzy and that kills me.  It hurts less to not remember I guess, but that just makes it hurt in other ways, because I feel guilty that I am forgetting details.  Sigh......

Praying we make it through the next week or so the best we can.  This time of year just brings back a lot of memories.  But it seems to be easier this year, which means it will probably hit me one day so hard I won't be able to breathe.  Because that's what grief does..........

A Look Back at Summer

So it has unfortunately arrived - the last night of summer.  I'm so sad to see it end.  I'm not ready.  I don't want to leave my kids every day, I won't want to miss out on most of their day.  I don't want to rush around all the time, never having time to catch my breath.  That's what it is like working full time with two little kids. 

I don't like change.  But for a teacher (speech therapist in the schools, same thing schedule wise), by the time you adjust to being home and getting into a routine, it feels like summer is over and you have to readjust.  Once I get back into it I guess I won't be as miserable, but right now I feel like my freedom and happiness are being ripped away.  I LOVE the time home with my kids.

At the end of every summer, I look back on what I did, and what I wish I did.  I'm sad we didn't go on vacation this year.  I feel like I could have spent more time with my kids.  I know I was home with them all day, but often they played or watched TV while I did dishes or tried to organize things, or cleaned, or took a few minutes to catch up on the iPad.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't sit on the floor and just play with them more.  I definitely wanted to work with Sierra on Kindergarten stuff more, and spend more time doing girly stuff with her, especially during Coen's nap.

What I did accomplish this summer, is getting healthier.  I didn't like how I was feeling and looking after being lazy and eating whatever I wanted all winter.  Last winter it worked because I was breastfeeding and I managed to start the summer weighing less than I had in the beginning of Adelyn's pregnancy.  I think weaning Coen and not adjusting my diet was a lot of the problem.  So, I have been eating a lot healthier and snacking less.  No chips really all summer!!!  Another big thing I have done is started getting in a work out routine and I am so proud of myself!  I went from nothing to working out basically 6 days a week for about 30 minutes.  I feel great, and I am starting to notice it in how I look too.  Still a ways to go to get rid of the post-baby belly, but I feel much less self-conscious about it now.

I also pretty much sold most of our baby gear and clothes.  We now only have a few boxes of clothes to get rid of.  Very bittersweet, but that's another post.  I made some money which helped.

I got a new camera back in April and I finally took an online class this month.  I am 3 weeks in and have already learned a LOT!  Bad thing is now I want a new lense for my camera.  But I really like it and it's awesome to do it online whenever I want.  Surprisingly it doesn't take that much time.

We finally finished painting all the trim in our bedroom white, after being in this house 6 years almost.  With some help from my dad that is!

And as for fun things, we went to the pool a lot.  Sierra is swimming under water now, and is able to swim across the pool using an elementary kind of stroke!  She jumps in where she can't touch and swims to the wall too!  We made it to the county fair and Sierra rode every ride in sight!  She loved the horses, Coen loved the trucks!  We also went to a church fair which was small but the kids had fun.  We went to the Children's Museum, the Museum of Natural History, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factor play.  We went to lots of birthday parties too!  Just this past weekend we went canoeing with 21 family members on the  most beautiful day.  It was nice to sit and listen to nature without Sierra's countless questions or Coen's screams! 

We slept in till 8 or 9 most of the summer.  Which was wonderful, I like to stay up late and sleep in, not a morning person at all.  So ,being at work by 7:40 is not easy for me.  I realize if I would have gotten up before the kids and worked out and showered, that I could have gotten a lot more accomplished this summer.  I usually slept till one of the kids woke me up (which is so much better than an alarm clock waking me), got up and had breakfast, drank my coffee while browsing the iPad while the kids watched cartoons.  Then we would go to the pool or just hang out until lunch, sometimes eat lunch at the pool.  During  Coen's nap time, most days I would put a movie or TV show on for Sierra and exercise then shower.  Looking back I feel bad about this, I should have played with Sierra something that Coen couldn't do (like paint, Kindergarten workbooks, etc).  But, for once I had to do something for myself so I am trying not to feel guilty.  A healthy, happy mama is very important, right?

A lot of times we would just turn the radio up and jam. Coen is so cute, he will move his head back and foth (I taught him this, I did it with him all summer).  Two of our favorites, which will remind ome of summer 2013:
Blurred Lines BY Robin Thicke, aka "hey hey hey" - when it comes on Coen yells "HEY!"Blurred Lines video
Clarity by Zedd - love this song.  Glad I have a video of the kids dancing to it, precious memories....can't figure out  how to download it from the iPad.  Listening to it now, and it's making me sad that summer is over.......

Another school year begins, another fall it make it through.  Deep breaths.  There is always next summer to look forward to, although I certainly don't want to wish away the next 9 months.

July Updates

July is almost over - time sure flies when you are having fun. 

What have we been up to?

Last week was really hot, so we went swimming a lot.  Trevor was in between jobs, so he took a week off but we didn't go anywhere.  I am really bummed we didn't, but we didn't plan anything because we weren't sure he would actually get time off.  Then once we knew he could take off, it was about a month beforehand.  We just couldn't agree on where to go, find a place that suited him (he didn't want to stay in a hotel because he says that's no  fun and too crowded, he wanted a cabin but  most of them were for like 10 people and he didn't want to go with anyone else - he is so frustrating).   Plus with the job switch, most of the week was unpaid and he wasn't sure when his next paycheck would come.  So we had a staycation.  We had planned to take the kids to an amusement park, it was princess week.  But the day before we decided 95 was too hot for that, and opted for an inside Children's Museum.  A good choice I think.  We will do the amusement park another day.

This week the weather has been perfect, which is great but frustrating that Trevor wasn't off this week!

Sierra is growing up so much lately.  She is happy to be outside with her friends and is pretty independent about being there without me.  Which is nice, I can get some things done inside when Coen naps.  She loves Sofia the First on TV, watches the episodes over and over and plays for hours with the little figurines.  The Winx Club just started showing episodes on TV again after a too-long- for-us hiatus, so she's been into that again.  She has also been playing "mom and dad" with her friends outside.  Her baby doll Rosie is still very much her favorite doll.  She loves wearing her matching PJs to bed.  She always brings Rosie outside to push in her double stroller or play house with.  I wish she would play with a baby she didn't love so much because I fear Rosie will break or get ruined and that would be bad!  Sierra also loves those popular Beanie Boos, we got her one on her dance recital day.  We took her to see her first movie in the theater last week, Despicable Me 2.  We originally wanted to see Monsters University, but upon arrival at the theater they told us the a/c was out and it had been 90 all week.  No discounts, no thank you.  So we had to rearrange the whole thing and switch movies and theaters to make it work, but it did.  We had popcorn for dinner!  Coen spent some one-on-one time with Meemaw and Pappy, so we could have a movie date with our biggest.  Sierra is starting to get a big girl attitude, which I hear only gets worse once they go to school.  And she finally seems to be getting the hang of staying dry all night, although not completely there she is mostly there.  About frigging time!  She is still very much a mommy's girl and likes to do what I do.  She takes showers almost by herself now, just needs help with her hair.  I'm liking the nice balance at this age of independence, yet still needing mommy and thinking I am the coolest person on Earth.

Coen is growing up too fast too.  He is starting to say more, sometimes puts two words together (mommy's shoes, big truck).  He still likes trains, and anytime we go somewhere with a train table he screams when you take him away.  He now loves trucks, and carries one in each hand.  We already had 2 break, so I got him some meant for smaller kids and hope they last till his birthday!  Anytime music comes on, he still stop and dance.  He has started calling me "mommy" now (instead of mama) and he says the dog's name right too.  Anytime we pass a truck on the road, he gets so excited and says "whoa! truck!" Or if he hears a motorcycle, he yells "bike!"  Anything loud is a bike to him.  Such a boy. He is happily still in his crib and hasn't tried to escape yet (thankfully).  And he is still rear facing in  his car seat.  It is getting hard to get him in and out, but so much safer that way.  I plan to switch him when we buy a new seat in the next few months, since his expires in Dec.  No sense taking it out and switching it then buying a new seat a few months later.  I hate taking carseats out - a guaranteed argument with the hubs. He likes to do whatever Sierra does.  He watched her play with the Sofia the First figures, so he started carrying them around too.  I told her to go brush her teeth, and checked on her minutes later and he was standing next to her brushing his teeth too.  If she climbs up the slide instead of down, next thing I know he is doing it!  If she screams, he screams.  Coen still likes to eat his junk food, but has started getting more picky about other foods.  He is hit or miss, sometimes he eats nonstop, other times he barely eats.  I tried peanbut butter and jelly but he doesn't seem to care for it, which makes eating on the run or at the pool difficult.  He wouldn't eat a cheese sandwich either.  Coen knows body parts and follows directions pretty well (when he wants to).  He is very ticklish under his chin too.  He has no interest in the potty yet, which is perfectly fine by me because I am not ready to go there again after our last experience.   It scarred me. Coen cut a few more teeth this summer, he now has 11.  The good thing about late teeth seems to be that he isn't bothered by them, just like Sierra.  If I didn't see them coming in, I wouldn't know.  Some kids seem to be awful when they get their teeth in.  Coen loves TV and will pretty much watch anything that is on (just like Sierra).   His favorites now are Chuggington, Chuck and Friends, Mighty Machines on netflix, and even sits with Sierra and watches Sofia the First!

That's all for now.  Not anything exciting, just mostly me writing stuff down to remember!

Her Name

This is going to sound ridiculous......but I wish that I could trademark Adelyn's name.  That no one else could use it.  It's too special, sacred to me, to hear another baby named it.

Yet, this week I have heard it 3 or 4 times. 

My cousin posted a photo on Facebook of her daughter holding a very tiny baby girl.  It didn't crush me to see a tiny baby girl.....until she told me her name was Adelyn.

I don't know why she even told me that, but probably because we were discussing the first birthday party of another cousin's daughter that we were invited to.  I don't want to go, because I know there is going to be a little girl named Adelyn there.  She was at the baptism for the birthday girl a few months ago, and no one warned me until we were on our way.  I know they don't know how much that would have affected me to talk to someone and hear them say their tiny baby is named Adelyn, but still.  Unexpected things are the worst, at least if I am prepared I can harden myself prior to the situation.

Then there is the girl I think is named Adelyn and looks to be the exact age as my Adelyn would be.  I think I may have written about her before, but when I took Sierra to her Summer Enrichment last week, she was there again.  I swear for the 2nd time I thought I heard her mom yell "Adelyn!" at her.  The first time was when I took Sierra for her Kindergarten screening.  My heart raced and I felt like I was out of my body after that time.  At least this time I was sorta prepared, but I couldn't help but stare at her.......

Then tonight, first thing on my Facebook was an old acquaintance saying they were so happy to meet the new baby girl Adalyn Jane.

I really wish her name wasn't becoming so trendy.  I remember worrying about that when we chose it - I like different names.  It sucks when you take all this time to pick a unique name and then it ends up becoming really popular a few years later.  It sucks even more when the baby you chose the name for dies.  I know it's wrong, but every time I hear another baby/girl named Adelyn, it puts me in a bad mood and I have a pity party.  Sometimes I just can't help it, but I don't like feeling that way.  I wonder why their Adelyn got to live and mine didn't?

I miss her tonight.

Summer

We are nearing the end of week two of summer and I am so happy.  I swear I am a different person.  I have more energy, I'm not exhausted all the time,  I feel less stressed.

That's not to say I sit on my butt and relax all day.  Oh hell no!  My day on Monday:

Woke up and fed myself and both kids breakfast, got us all dressed and out the door by 9:45.  Unbuckled both kids from their carseats and took lugged Coen along to drop Sierra off for her first day of summer enrichment.  It's a program at her school with fun things for kids to do a few weeks during summer.  I decided to sign her up since it's offered at the school she will go to.  Plus I thought it would get her used to being there for 2 hours, which is almost as long as Kindergarten will be. So then I loaded Coen back up, drove to an appointment at the consignment store to get rid of some baby toys and gear (my Boppy pillow included :( I wanted to cry).  This of course involved taking him out and back in his carseat two more times!  He fell asleep on the way to pick Sierra up, where I had to unload him again just to walk in and get her!  We went home, ate lunch, and ran to get dog food then another store to grocery shop.  I came home and luckily Coen did not fall asleep in the car, but I had to rush and unload the cold stuff.  I finally got him to nap around 4.  Then I rushed out to mow the grass while he slept and Sierra played in her water table outside.  Then I cooled off, woke him up, did dishes while I made dinner.  After dinner we went back outside, took the dog for a walk, and came in to give the kids baths.  Then I ran on the elliptical for 30 minutes and showered and sat down around 10 for the first time all day.

Exhausting, but productive.  All days are exhausting with kids, but most are not so productive!  I must have buckled and unbuckled Coen 15 times!  It felt SO good to get stuff done though.

I will say for me the big difference between working and not working is night time.  I am just as busy and sometimes stressed during the day trying to get stuff done while watching 2 kids and keeping them occupied.  In a perfect world I could just focus on them and not try to get stuff done at the same time, but unfortunately I push a lot of things till summer that I just can't get to when I am working full time (seriously, what do women who work year round do?  I think they are my heroes!).  So all day I am busy busy busy.  In fact I am busy until the kids go to bed, and they go to bed later in the summer.  Coen hasn't been going until almost 9 and Sierra almost 10 every night.

But, once the kids are in bed I am relaxed.  I don't have to pack my lunch or decide what I am wearing or iron it.  I don't have to worry about getting to bed because I know I have to get up at 5:45.  I don't have to worry about getting the kids up early too.  I don't have to worry about work stuff on top of mother stuff.

It's so, SO nice.  I LOVE it.  I am happier in the summer.  I actually feel like doing things or going out.  I'm like a different person.  I swear I have two personalities - summer Lisa and working Lisa.  No joke.  I like summer Lisa much better!

I often wish I never had to go back to work.  But, I do think having "only" 2.5 months off makes me appreciate that time so much more than women who stay at home year round.  For me, it's a change from the usual, so spending so much time with my kids doesn't get as frustrating as it does for someone who always does it.  If that makes sense.

My favorite part of summer is getting to keep my whole paycheck!  We often get the comments about "oh it must be nice to have two incomes."  What people with one income don't realize is their one income is probably not much less then our two, especially when you factor in that 40% of my pay goes right back out to the baby-sitter.  She earns her money for sure and she is worth it, but I wish I didn't have to pay someone else to do what I wish I could do.  So, in summer, I still get a paycheck and don't have to work.  It doesn't get much better than that!

In a Funk

I've been in a funk all weekend.  I hate funks!  Not sure what started it.  A lot of factors.

About 3 weeks ago, my allergies were so bad that I couldn't stop coughing. It was awful, felt like there was constantly something in my throat.  Well, there was.  Apparently, I coughed so hard and so much that I pulled a rib muscle.  OUCH!  You don't realize how much you move it until it hurts.  I could barely lay down, roll over, or get out of bed without a lot of pain.  Add in a 28 pound toddler and sitting in little kid chairs leaning in so I can hear a good R or L or S over the hand dryers in the bathroom next to my office and it hasn't been fun.  Then I took Advil, which made my stomach bloated and feel yucky.  One of my students even asked me if I was having a baby.  Yikes, and NO I am not.  I can't even exercise because it hurts!  Frustrated!

Then my birthday is Monday and thought maybe we can go have a nice dinner Saturday night.  Well, my husband won tickets to the Stanley Cup Playoffs from work, but had to go with someone from work or pay taxes on $800 worth of tickets.  So that idea was shot - you can't pass up hockey tickets!  My back was killing me, because I think I strained it trying to avoid using my rib muscles.  I had my  mom come over to help.  We were outside and a newer neighbor was out with her 1 week old little boy.  Seeing how tiny he was made me sad that I will never have one of those again.  We were talking about labor, she had him at the same hospital as I had Adelyn and Coen.  She uses the same ob/gyn group as me, and was saying she loved the doctor that I had and hoped she was the one who delivered but it wasn't.  I said how much I loved that doctor and wanted to say  more, and say why, but this neighbor didn't live here when Adelyn died and doesn't know about her and it just wasn't the time to tell the story.  It was late and I needed to get my kids in bed. So I felt like a fraud and very uncomfortable.  I said how I had Sierra at a different hospital and she asked what I thought compared to the other one.  It's so hard to compare because I feel like we got special treatment when I had Coen.  It was just an awkward conversation.  I later found out that Sierra said something about having a sister in heaven in front of that neighbor and according to my husband who was standing there she kind of gave Sierra a strange look.  So I guess I will have to have a conversation about Adelyn with her.

After we came in, we watched the Secret of the Wings for the 100th time.  My mom had never seen it so Sierra wanted to watch it with her.  It always reminds me of Sierra and Adelyn.  Sisters living in different worlds.  But it really hit me last night.  I was actually imagining Sierra and Adelyn being reunited in heaven one day.  At the same time, it made me sad that they aren't together now.

Today I sort of cured my funk by  having a mother daughter pedicure day.  I've wanted to do it for awhile, and as sad as I am that I don't get to do this with both my daughters, on the way  home I realized that I am just blessed to have one little girl to do these things with.