September

Today I changed the calendars to September. I never knew something so simple could be so difficult. I was ok at first. And then I clicked on a link in my e-mail to read a Facebook comment and when I got there, the dreaded thing appeared next to the post in the sidebar - "Your Status on this Day in 2010." My status on September 1, 2010 was this: "37 weeks! Anytime now baby, we're almost ready." It was just the trigger I needed. Immediately, the tears came, flowing, almost hysterical crying. A reminder of what we lost, of what was going to be, of happier times. The grief felt so raw all over again. Why? How did this happen and when? We will never know the answers to those questions.

On days like these, I have to wonder how I thought having another baby due so close to Adelyn's birthday would be a good idea. I knew the end of another pregnancy would be difficult. But how did I think I was supposed to handle all that, plus Adelyn's first birthday? It's like reliving things, but with a different baby I am often comparing to Adelyn (and hopefully with a different outcome). Even yesterday, when I had my first nonstress test. While the sound of the baby's heartbeat was reassuring, it was also difficult. The last time I got to listen to a heartbeat for an extended time on a monitor like that was during labor with Adelyn. That is the last - and only - sound of hers I ever heard.

And so we embark on September. I still say, put me in a cave and wake me up when it's October - specifically around the week of October 10th and this is all over.

I can't seem to stop hearing this song play over and over in my head. It just fits the situation so perfectly.