Tears

For awhile now, I have felt like I had tears that needed to come.  Something would happen and it would make me sad, I'd stop and wait for the tears, and they wouldn't come.  It was like I was numb.  It bothered me.  Usually after I cry I feel better, and I knew I needed a good cry.

Well, today it happened.  And of course, something completely unrelated to Adelyn sparked them.   That's how the ugly grief monster goes.

But actually, what looks like it had nothing to do with Adelyn, in fact, may have had everything to do with her.

I've been feeling overwhelmed between adjusting to work, lack of time to do what I want, not enough sleep, housework piling up, etc.  Plus this time of year just brings back so much, no matter how hard I try to not let it.  The weather, the dates, everything.

I'm the type of person that doesn't speak up when something bothers me.  Very often, people, even friends, innocently say things that upset me.  Example, people talking about how hard it is to have three children.  I wouldn't know what it's like to have three kids in my house to care for, but I am sure it's not easy.  But, it can't possibly be harder than parenting two kids on Earth and one in Heaven.  I am positive of that.

Yet, when people say things that hurt my feelings unknowingly, I say nothing.  I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable, but in turn I make myself feel uncomfortable.  I walk away, or if I can't I listen and say nothing.  I go home and vent to my husband or a good friend.  The feelings dwindle with time.

Or so I think.

What really happens, is they are stored.  And stored.  And stored. And in the month of September, there are LOTS of them to be stored.  Everything bothers me more, I get angry very easily, I am overprotective of my children.  Someone does something to my kid, and I could fly off the handle right then and there.  This is something you just can't understand until you lose a child.  Your job as a mother is to protect your child, and you couldn't protect them from death.  You know the pain of losing a child, and it hurts so much you do everything in your power to NEVER let it happen again.  Not that it's in your control.  Your other child lived through losing a sibling and you don't want to ever see them upset.  No mother wants to, but I truly believe it is greatly magnified in a mother who has a child in Heaven.

I'm angry lately.  Very, very angry.  Angry that there was another baby at my cousin's baptism also named Adalyn - why did they get to keep their Adalyn?  I'm angry that 3 baby girls were born to teachers I work with in the last two weeks.  The worst time of year for that.  I'm angry that someone else's second daughter lived and mine didn't.  Of course I am glad for them, but sad for me if that makes sense (I would never wish the death of a baby on anyone).  I'm angry that the doctors let me do a version.  I'm angry that the doctor that delivered Adelyn didn't give me a c-section.  I have no idea if  I had a c-section, the outcome would have been different.  But I'm angry nonetheless.  I'm angry at the hospital for not calling Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I'm angry I don't have pictures of her feet.  I'm angry I don't have any pictures of her in her clothes.  I'm angry that I don't like any of her pictures.

I told you I was angry.  So, where is all this anger?  Well, it's stored in there, waiting for just the right trigger to relese it.

And that's exactly what happened yesterday and into today.  I don't want to use that as an excuse, but I know it's what happened.  I know I've been easily angered lately, I have even told a few friends that I need to stop letting little things bother me.

But when you are 3 days away from the 2nd anniversary of your daughter's death, it's easier said than done.

I just hope that things are going to be ok.  I've been crying all night.  I have a headache from crying, my contacts were stuck to my eyes.  Not a good night.

Hoping I wake up to a better day.  I decided to take the day off from work, a mental health day - and that is the truth.  Sorry for the rant, and negative post, but it's how I feel right now and writing it out makes me feel better.