11 Days

11 days.

Just 11 days separate two dates that represent opposite moments in my life.

September 29, 2010 - the worst day of my life.

October 10, 2011 - one of the best days of my life, if not THE best.

How can this be?  How am I supposed to go from the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life, to first anniversary of the best?  That's a whole lot of emotion to cover in just 11 days.

I didn't realize it would be this hard to have their birthdays so close together.  When we thought about trying again, the only thing I cared about was that our next baby was born  after Adelyn's 1st birthday, and not in September.

I actually really wanted an October baby, for many reasons.  I wanted a baby ASAP, and October is obviously the first month after her first birthday.  But also, for work reasons - I knew I couldn't handle working while pregnant.  I work with kids, who don't understand what happened with Adelyn, and I couldn't bear having to explain should something go wrong again.  I also couldn't handle people making a big fuss over me and asking me if I was excited.  Nope - just terrified and guilty.  I figured I could hide being pregnant until the end of the school year then not go back until after the baby was born.  That's exactly what I did, somehow - not sure how people didn't suspect.  October does have my favorite birthstone too (not that boys care about that, but it's an excuse to have someone buy me opals).

I thought having another baby so close to Adelyn's birthday would be helpful. I thought it would make this time of year happier.  I thought still getting to plan a fall birthday would be helpful, even though it wasn't for the baby I thought it would be 2 years ago.

I was wrong.  So, so wrong.  Having their birthday just 11 days apart is SO hard.  I feel rushed, like I have to push aside my grief in remembering Adelyn so I can plan Coen's birthday.  I feel like as soon as hers is over, I have to turn my emotions in a completely opposite direction in order to celebrate the miracle of his birth, the greatest day, when joy was restored to our lives.  I feel like I am jipping Coen, because his birthday is always going to be a little overshadowed with Adelyn's.  There will always be some sadness this time of year.  I just hope that once we turn the calendars to October, that I will start to get excited for his birthday.  Right now, I'm just not there.  It probably doesn't help that I just don't want my baby to turn 1 already :(