Overload

I'm on overload.

September is not my month.  For the obvious reason, yes.  But also because it is SO hard to get back in the swing of working again.  I've been back to work for one full month now and finally I don't feel so overwhelmed that I want to run away.  The beginning of the year stuff is SO hard and stressful.  Trying to schedule 60 some students for therapy sessions between 3 different buildings.  Add in the lack of space in all the buildings, so I have to share rooms at 2 of those buildings and work around those teachers' schedules as well.  Some things didn't work out, so I had to change them around. 

My computer at one of my buildings crashed, so I've been without a computer there since school started.  There is no space at my one school, and I overlap a half day with the person I share rooms with, so I have to see kids in the teachers' lounge.  No computer there either!

I got my usual Labor Day cold, and with it came a lot of sinus pain and I had a headache off and on for almost 2 weeks.  Hubby had it too and so did Coen, but somehow Sierra escaped it.  Then as soon as I finally felt better, we got this stomach thing where we just couldn't eat and had the worst stomach cramps.  That lasted awhile too.  One thing after another.  Being sort of sick, taking care of kids, and working full time - not easy.

Also adjusting to the lack of "me" time.  There are so many things I want to do, and I just can't get them done.  Then I feel guilty if I don't spend my time home with the kids because I don't see them much.  Literally 20 minutes in the morning - Sierra is cranky and Coen just wants fed and is a nightmare to change anymore.  Then I pick them up and attempt to cook while Sierra whines and Coen screams until I feed him.  Then it's bath and bed time shortly after.  So, I miss most of their "happy" time when I am working.  It sucks.

Then I have been trying to organize my house and clear out baby gear and clothes that we don't need, and make a little cash in the process.  That is a huge job, and sad to get rid of it all.  I hope I don't change my mind about having more kids!

And of course, Adelyn's birthday coming up is playing a big role in my emotional state.  I am trying not to dwell on the what ifs and could haves, but it's hard.  I have been very angry about it all over again, and trying to push through.  I know I just need to have a good cry, yet I just can't.  A friend sent me the most perfect gift and I still couldn't cry.  I'm holding it in, pushing through, but I just don't feel like myself right now.

I miss her.  I want people to remember her, yet sometimes I want to be "normal" and not be the one whose baby died.  Sometimes I want to forget that this happened to me.  If only it were that easy.