Today was a very emotional day. I had been pretty happy but tonight it all came crashing down. I couldn't hold it back and a meltdown it became. I couldn't even hold it back/stop when Sierra appeared next to me. She got all concerned about why I was crying, was rubbing my hair and asking why I was sad. And I didn't have the heart to lie to her, or to let her think that I was upset with her or that she did something. So I told her "Mommy's sad because she misses your baby sister." And she kinda of said "aw, but she's not here." And tried to make me feel better, which usually only she has the power to do. But tonight even that didn't do the trick.
It got me to thinking about Sierra and how unfair this is. I know it stinks for us, but this innocent little girl not only lost her little sister, but part of her mommy died with Adelyn, too. I'm just not the same mommy/person I used to be. I wish I could say this loss has made me a better mom, allowed me to appreciate her more. I can't honestly say that because it's made me have less patience and more sadness. So tonight, as I type through the many tears that have fallen, I find that I long to have the "old me" back just as much as I long to have Adelyn back. If only I could wave one of Sierra's wands and make my wishes come true..........
Healing...Freedom....Peace....Full Circle
2 years ago
2 comments:
I am sorry that you had a hard night. I wish we had a magic wand, too...wouldn't that make like so much easier? Don't be too hard on yourself, you are a great Mom to Sierra, a Mom who was just having a really hard night. Thinking of you. <3
You are doing the best you can each day and someday you and Sierra will know just how great the best you can do is.
Hopefully someday that whole "loss has made me a better parent" thing will happen. I know I am still waiting for it to kick in.
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