More Baby Steps

The past few days have brought more baby steps on the path of healing. Friday my friend had her baby. She is someone I met last year at work and was an unexpected support for me after Adelyn died. Sometimes it was easier for me to communicate via texting, because I didn't have to worry about trying to talk while crying and I always seem to express myself better when writing. Anyway, she told me she was pregnant back in the fall I think. I sort of expected it, and she was so worried about upsetting me. At first I didn't ask many questions to her, but as time went on, I could slowly talk about her pregnancy more and more. She did not know the gender of the baby, which always makes it more exciting. So, Friday she had her scheduled c-section and I was actually excited to hear about a baby's birth. This was the first time since Adelyn died I could honestly say that. I am not sure why - perhaps the way she handled the whole situation, always asking how I was doing and just being very sensitive, and taking an interest in me and my situation. Maybe the fact that she did not know what she was having made it more exciting. Or maybe even the fact that she already had a son made me feel a bit relieved that even if she did have a girl, I wouldn't have to think about or hear about sister stuff. Anyway, she had another boy - I was right in my prediction! The boy trend continues at work now - boy #3 in a row!

Another baby step for me happened today. Maybe this was more like a BIG step. It was a beautiful day, so of course when I went to pick Sierra up all the neighbors were outside. The one neighbor who has the baby girl who was born in December was out. Normally she has her in the stroller with the canopy over her, and she has been sleeping when I go over to pick Sierra up. Today she was in the stroller, but sitting up and awake and alert. I forgot for a minute that she is almost 5 months old now, so starting to do a lot more. I glanced at her, and turned my attention to Sierra and kind of stood with my back towards the baby. I got anxious and kind of started to panic a bit, but it passed. Of course Sierra didn't want to leave, they were having a blast playing outside. So I stood and talked to some of the other mothers. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sierra standing in front of the stroller, touching the baby's feet and playing with her. My heart sank and I may even have sighed out loud. I just tried not to think about it. That little girl LOVES babies more than any other kid on this street, why is she the one whose sister had to die? Anyway, I made it through. And then someone made a comment about how big the baby had gotten and look how cute she is. I really started to panic now. Stay strong I told myself. You will have your turn again. Then I as I was getting ready to leave, I saw the neighbor sitting down, holding the baby and Sierra was standing right there watching. And so I did it - I walked over and actually looked at the baby. I didn't stare, but I stood there and talked to her mom for quite awhile as she was holding her. I didn't focus on the baby, but she was there, I could see her, I could hear her making noises. And I was ok.

For now, those are some big steps for me. Now that I have sort of conquered the one baby girl, guess what is going to happen come Tuesday? Yep, the other one starts back at Sierra's baby-sitter. That's going to be harder, because there are 3 girls and the youngest two are about the same age difference as Sierra and Adelyn. So I am going to try to stay away for awhile, until the excitement dies down some. I know I need to prepare myself for the questions that this will bring from Sierra. They have been coming more and more lately. Last night this was the conversation:
Sierra - "Maddie and Lilly's baby's name is Chloe. She cries. My baby cries too."
Curious as to who she meant, I asked, "What's your baby's name?"
Sierra - "My baby's name is Baby Sister. But she lives really far away and we can't see her. Mommy, can you go get her and bring her back for me?"

This is a new thing - Sierra asking for me to bring her back. I can only imagine how confusing it must be for her. Why isn't her baby sister here and all these other kids' baby sisters are? Moments like this sometimes I wish my kid wasn't so darn smart. Another thing she did last night? She went into the nursery, found a newborn diaper that is still in the diaper stacker, and put it on her baby - perfectly. Then came running downstairs all proudly to show us. She rocked her baby, put her in the doll swing and bouncer, and talked to her so sweetly. Ahhh! It hurts my heart.