1

There is only one topic that is worth interrupting my "Capture Your Grief" series:

Our little rainbow turned 1 today!  I can't even believe it.  One year ago today, our lives finally felt whole again, as whole as they can feel with one member missing.

This year has been amazing, I have savored every last second.  From cuddles to hugs to watching him learn new things.  It is so very amazing, and I feel so blessed to be given the chance to experience it again. 

I have a different level of appreciation now.  With Sierra, I loved having a baby girl and I was so happy, but also so naive.  And, I knew I wanted another baby after her, and naively assumed I would have one, when in reality that may not have been the case.  But after losing Adelyn, I can say that I appreciate the little things SO much more.  Coen is most likely our last baby as well, so I am trying to remember and enjoy all these moments, because I probably won't ever get to experience them again (sniff, sniff).

I definitely parent him differently than I did Sierra.  For one, he has not spent the night anywhere - and I certainly had more than enough frozen breastmilk to be able to do that.  Another thing is at almost 1, I still rock him to sleep every night.  I know he is capable of putting himself to sleep, but ever since we went to the beach he has been crying when I put him in bed, and I can't bear it. So I rock him until he falls asleep, and then I hold him for at least 5 more minutes.  I watch him sleep, listen to him breathe, and thank God literally every night for letting me keep him.

It's funny, I posted that on Facebook, and no one got what I meant.  Everyone took it as "it's fine to still rock him to sleep, he's still little and someday he won't let you."  Yes.....but my point was that I NEVER did this with Sierra.  She learned early on to put herself to sleep and was always an excellent sleeper (and still is).  So I planned on doing this with Coen, and I did to an extent.  He has always slept in his crib and I used to put him to bed while he was still awake and he would put himself to sleep.  But when he started crying, I started rocking him to sleep and realized how precious that moment is. 

I have been thinking a lot about last year and my pregnancy with Coen lately.  I just can't get over how hard it was, and how little I was able to bond with him.  When now, I love the kid so much I get teary eyed just thinking about it.  I truly believe in a lot of ways, having him saved me.  By no means am I over losing Adelyn or happy every single second of every day, but overall there was a huge difference in me ever since the day he was born last year.  I really wish I could have enjoyed his pregnancy just a little bit.  It almost makes me want to have another baby, because I feel so robbed.  Robbed of having another little girl and robbed of enjoying pregnancy.  I don't think it would be as hard to do it again, but I am still too scared of something going wrong.

This song by Adele has been replaying in my car for the past few weeks.  It brings tears to my eyes:

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

That is so how I felt last year, why did it take me so long to realize how much I wanted him, and not feel guilty that he wasn't Adelyn? And the part about being scared, being there before.....exactly.

Then it's almost like Coen was telling me this part:

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
I love this song, so much!

Back to the present, Coen is now standing up by himself, and can squat and then stand back up again.  He has taken two steps, but falls forward as he takes the second one.  Usually right into me, or the floor.  It's so adorable, and he is so very proud of himself.  He wears 6-12 months or 12 months clothes, but can fit into 12-18 or 18 months tops (definitely not pants, he has short legs right now).  I would guess he is around 22 lbs?  I still have him in his infant carseat and I know I need to switch him, I am just in denial.  Plus the thought of seeing that empty carseat around this time of year was too much for me.  And it's a lot of work to switch out carseats....

He still loves balls and will crawl after them.  He also likes to push cars around.  Coen loves to play with his big sister, and many times I catch him playing with her toys, and Sierra playing with his toys.  Funny!  He claps his hands and points to things.  He doesn't wave or say much yet though.  I thought  maybe he was saying ball, but now I'm not sure.  It sounds like ball, but he isn't referring to a ball all the time when he says it, so the speech therapist in me is saying no it's not a word.  I keep working on "mommy"....  I feel like he should be saying more by now, but I don't think Sierra said much at one either.  She went from a few words to speaking in complete sentences right before she turned 2.  Plus boys tend to be slower in communicating.

Coen pretty much eats what we eat now.  He has tried pineapples, salmon, cherries, grilled cheese, soups, raspberries,  corn, and tonight:

A rainbow cupcake!  He loved it!  We sang to him and he opened a few gifts from us.  I was excited to find a rainbow balloon for him and of course it was probably his favorite gift.  The battery in my camera died so I can't post any more pictures.  Plus I'm exhausted....Sunday night Coen woke up at 3 and wouldn't sleep the rest of the night unless we held him.  That is very unlike him and honestly he hasn't done that since his first few days home from the hospital.  I think maybe he was cold, because he doesn't seem to be getting sick.  My point is, I am still recovering from the lack of sleep and being super busy at work.

Happy 1st Birthday Coen Micah!  Thank you for bringing joy back to our lives.  I can't imagine life without you.