Walking Away

Sometimes I still have to just walk away.  It all gets to be too much, it reminds me too much, and I just can't handle it.  From the outside, you'd never know because I hide it well.

Yesterday, I was picking up the kids and another mother is pregnant, due in two weeks or so.  I stopped to talk for a minute as she loaded her kids into her van.  I noticed the baby car seat already installed, ready to bring a baby home in.  I think my heart skipped a beat or sank or something.  I do know it hurt.  Empty car seats are hard.  Even though we have another baby who fills that same car seat that once waited for a baby who never came home, an empty car seat is a reminder.  A reminder of the happy times, of begging my husband to install the car seat 2 or 3 weeks ahead of time, in hopes that my babies would come early, which never happened.  A reminder of the baby who didn't get to ride in that car seat.  A reminder of riding home from the hospital with the car seat base still installed in the car.  A reminder of seeing the empty car seat that I had washed and ready, complete with a pink butterfly toy so no one would call her a boy.  A reminder of how much that hurt, and of how it felt to put that seat away.  A reminder of the day I finally mustered up the courage to take out the car seat base and then the day I moved Sierra's seat back over to the passenger side where there was more room.  I remember that day like it was yesterday - the neighbors were all  outside, it was gorgeous, and I overheard them happily talking about ultrasounds. Ouch.  There I was, moving a car seat because we didn't need two anymore, and they were discussing pregnancy. 

And it is also a reminder of how much things change, of how much Adelyn changed me.  When it was nearing the end of my pregnancy with Coen, my husband was going to install the car seat.  I told him absolutely not, he needed to wait until after the baby was born and lived.  I just couldn't handle it.  I mean I was pretty sure the baby would come home with us, but seeing an empty car seat was too hard.  So my poor husband had to come home and move Sierra's seat back to the driver's side and install the baby car seat the night before we came home. 

Such a little thing can stir up SO many memories.  So many memories that hurt so much still.

That was yesterday.  Today the topic at pick up time was babies again.  This time, delivery and c-sections and getting induced.  It all started when we were talking about our moms being there.  My neighbor was talking about how her mom was a nervous wreck during her VBAC because her baby had meconium and her mom works in a hospital so she knows what can happen (like what happened to me right?) and how her mom was begging her to just get the c-section. She didn't, and her baby was fine.  The other woman was talking about when she had her c-section after laboring for hours and how upset she was and cried, but afterwards the dr. told her the cord was wrapped around his neck twice and had she delivered him naturally, it could have been a disaster.  I wanted to say, oh yeah like what happened to me, remember?  I'm not sure where the conversation went after that, but I felt VERY uncomfortable and had to just walk away.  Talking about complications to labor and delivery is NOT a good topic.  Especially when you go on and on about how relieved you are that it didn't happen to you.  I know they probably didn't realize and I know they didn't mean to hurt me.  But seriously, why talk about that in front of me?!

As much as I love babies, I think I will be very glad when everyone around me stops having them.  Being the age that I am, it seems to be all anyone talks about.  A lot of the times I am fine, but when it goes to things like today, I'm really not, yet I feel like people expect me to be because they just keep talking away like they forgot what happened to me.